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Confused How To Handle Finances

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by nakshatra1, Dec 7, 2017.

  1. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, DH is blinded in love and obedience to his family, he skips paying his own loan instalments and keeps extending his loans, when they decide some luxury sarees , unnecessary showoff grand celebrations or nonsense vacation is more urgent. Now, all loans coming to my head instead.He could have finished huge part of his loans, if he could have taken a stand against spending for unnecessary things and prioritised loans first. Now, I have no hope that he will ever save anything for our future /emergencies/kids. So, I need to be strong, and convince DH that I'll give only an appropriate share, and rest I'll focus on my loans, as well as planning future. If I talk straight, it is seen as aggressive and selfish, but right now there is noone for us if suddenly some job loss or something happened.
    I myself, live quite simple life, and I like to save money for future, but I feel I'm being punished for that- and expected to fund other's luxuries indirectly by taking care of DH loans and PILs responsibility, while DH take care of their demands instead and PILs buying house for SIL...But I have to give explanation even for going for restaurant/movie that why I waste money.I have to be strong and take future financial planning in my hands, from my income.Because I have lost all hope on DH to be responsible.
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2017
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  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    You have given many tips fot handling my emotions and manage everything calmly, Thanks a lot.I understand it's very imp to handle emotions and situations calmly to get anything done, but it's very easy for me to get scared about future and frustrated.
     
  3. hino

    hino Silver IL'ite

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    Now, you cant change suddenly DH spending on different things for FIL and SIL's.

    A) Dont spend your earnings. Since you are earning, DH is not feeling the burden of running a home . No sharing expenses until he plans and control the family expenditure.
    B) you have every right to pay from your earnings for your marriage and education loan to your parents. Its fine, If they are capable of paying loans else you need to support your parents.
    C) convince DH and show the expenses . Ask him to write the expenses in spreadsheet and both can analyze quarterly about extra spendings.
    D) Ask him to invest in SIP and PPF. So that, monthly savings will reduce and he will realize cant afford to give money to SIL.
    E) Invest in Gold regularly with your earnings and will be useful when required. If cash is in bank, you know what will happen :) . or Invest in long term bonds, which you cant with draw for 3 yrs +. So that, your earnings will be safe even though he spent every thing for useless things.

    Finally, DH should realize monthly/yearly savings of his income once he spend every thing on family members. Only way is write down every single expense and audit it once in quarter and you will realize the results. Best thing is Buy a home and DH will run to others for paying EMI as well he cant spend on others .


    Thanks.
     
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  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Make a excel spreadsheet with both your husband’s assets and liabilities. Make a list of what potential expenses will be when you have kids in the near future, how much you should be saving for your retirement , job loss and other unforeseen expenses .

    In the evening ,light some scented candles, Cook his fav food, put on his fav nightie and open the excel spreadsheet. Be calm and don’t mention his lazy entitled sisters or greedy parents.

    Considering your DH, that might be quite a few evenings, lots of cooking, lots of melted candles but eventually things will make sense to him I hope.

    This needs to be nipped in the bud, right now in Delhi ! If not, the only thing you will enjoy in Pune is the chitale bandhu mango burfi ! That too only if you have any energy left after getting sucked into the In laws Home and financial mess.

    Also make it clear to DH, no kids until the loans are cleared. There should be no more loans, period ! ( even if his nieces get their first period )

    And promise me you will never ever quit your job ( and hold on to your locker keys ) . Take care and good luck !
     
  5. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    hats off to you. if I was in your place I would have brought the roof down. please make sure your hard earned money is not going down the drain. even if the whole world calls you selfish , other than your contribution to the required expenses keep the rest of your savings away from everyone else . no one has the right to it.
     
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  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    You did the right thing. My parents always wanted to me to do arranged marriage to someone without sisters. but I fell in love ,,, haha. I do know many SILs who are matured and maintain boundaries, and do not wish to exploit parents/brothers but I guess most are not.

     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2017
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  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    • You are right but I can't do that - it'll spoil relationship with DH, he hates me when I talk about separation of finances. PILs always brainwash DH against me that he made huge sacrifice not taking dowry, showing him rosy picture that arranged marriage bride- would have paid off all his debts and more through dowry, handed over her salary. DH against dowry but they always try to make him realise he has made a huge sacrifice by marrying me and all financial problems are due to me actually.
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2017
  8. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    .

     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2018
  9. Benadryl

    Benadryl Bronze IL'ite

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    I am almost reading about my own family here ! Am I understanding this correctly ? You had a love marriage and yet didn't know about all this ? Also, he barely started working 10 years ago - I am very surprised he is able to actually get all these loans.

    I can almost give you a guarantee, neither will your husbands dedication nor will your ILs behaviour change if you try to change it. This has to come as a realisation from himself. You should definitely use what Sandycandy mentioned above.

    Can you quit your job for a while ? You are moving to Pune anyway - just take a break and let the focus from you shift away.
    Looks like he has a habit of taking loans. I would probably ask him to buy you a house on loan. Or may be to take a loan to pay off your education loans :)

    Also tell him he will be at a stage where when he wants a loan badly, but due to existing loans no will give him a loan - that day he will mortgage your jewellery. Just sharing my experience.
     
  10. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Benadryl, There are many sources to get loans - bank/formal is not the only source- infact one of my SIL herself asks DH for diamond set for her for some upcoming function- then DH says he doesn't have money right now,so she herself lends DH money to buy diamond set for her which DH has to pay back from our salary in next 2-3 months! And she becomes great in my PILs' eyes. This way we are not able to even avoid SILs' expenses!
    If I quit my job, there will be hell at home. DH is not interested in house loan -that's the only loan which feels like a burden to him! Till now , I have fought to keep my gold than hand over to MIL. In worst case, I'm ready to sell my gold for my husband if ever he badly needed. But for now, I'm trying to do my best that such a situation doesn't arrive.I love my husband and I will never think twice to give him everything if he has problems. My resentment is due to my over-entitled and dominating SILs
    Like you have said, he will probably never change. I know PILs will not change suddenly at this age- they have never bothered about DH, only about my SILs. I'm trying to mentally distance myself from all the financial problems be calm and do some proper financial planning and investments for our future and kids. That is my current goal. My parents are the only ones who worked so hard and planned for my future(marriage/education etc) I'm sane because I know in worst case-I can fall back upon them to atleast some extent otherwise I would be too stressed out in the current situation.The gold my parents gave in wedding is the only asset I have right now.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2018

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