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Confused How To Handle Finances

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by nakshatra1, Dec 7, 2017.

  1. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Silver IL'ite

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    I'm newly married and currently living in Delhi, but soon shifting to Pune to live with inlaws.I have 3 SILs.
    DH Responsibilities:-

    • DH and PILs did many sacrifice to get sisters married into rich families. PILs sold their only house(inherited) and once DH started earning, he used to hand over entire salary to FIL, to pay off SILs' marg/dowry loans. Also,, DH took care 100% of all SIL's pregnancy costs, baby showers, child birth function, kids' saree function, kids' menstrual functions so on and so forth. DH managed most of these through loans and lived entire life on loans. MIL fond of showoffs, and asks DH to take loans so she can grandly celebrate her-FIL anniversary etc and buy costly sarees/gold for herself and SILs. If he denies , she scolds that had he done arranged marriage, dowry would have taken care of everything, so it's his fault.
    • FIL earns enough pension, but ever since DH started working(close to a decade now), DH has taken care 100% of expenses of PILs(including from rent to food to medical to a safety pin). FIL own pension- he has been saving 100% of it , and now bought a small house for one SIL.because SILs keep complaining they did not receive much dowry when they married long back but now brother earning well with working wife so it's time to make up for that. SILs also habit to unilaterally plan family vacations, and ask brother to take care of all expenses. But, if we both go for movies or small trips as a newly married couple, PILs and SILs scold how we are spoilt and wasting money,also keep blaming him that he did not do much for them, and now FIL bluntly denies that DH used to hand over his salary to him for paying off loans.
    PILs keeps telling its my duty to pay off husband loans .Ofcourse, I love my husband and I never think my money-his money and helped his loans to some extent. My parents too did a lot for me, dad taken loan for my edu,marriage, etc and I paid to little extent before marg. But DH and his family feel after marg, a woman's salary belongs to her new family, and DH tells I'm being selfish as my dad has capacity to pay my loans, so helping DH should be my priority. PILs themselves never helped DH, always maintain that parents have no responsibility towards sons so they never contributed anything even for their own expenses since DH started working, but always complaining to DH(not me directly) about not getting dowry from my parents and blaming him for love marriage. I'm willing to pay off all DH loans, but I have 2 conditions:-
    * DH will be
    responsible towards money and our future, and pay for PILs necessities and a decent life like us, but not give in to luxurious demands like gold,sarees,uneccesary functions, especially for SILs,and other unaccounted money transfer on demand, as well as funding entire family vacations planned by SILs without our consent. But it seems DH is too emotional for them and will never change.
    *That if I'm paying his loans, I should be allowed to help my dad with my loans as well.DH has not forbid me, but there are lots or arguments and resentment as my dad is "better off" as they say.And "DH lost trust in me I don't care for his debts and responsibilities "/

    *I would like separation of finances(pay only my share and rest both will spend no questions asked, then I can atleast plan savings and for kids.). But this is seen as selfish by DH. I only want hi to be responsible. We can't depend on PILs for emergencies (Their bank accounts and income is managed by SIL) and also they clearly tell parents with sons have no responsibilities.
    I need a solution how to deal with all this now we will live with PILs, how to manage the finances. So, me and DH will equally share the expenses for all 4 people(rent, food, medical, utilities everything)so I'm paying his parent's share too(inspite FIL earning pension), and yet I have to give explanation on salary, apart from other restrictions, and create problems if I send any money to my parents.
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2017
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  2. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Silver IL'ite

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    That is the reason why I rejected many proposals of the boys who have more than 1 sister. My H doesn't have any

    If you can take a separate flat nearby then there is some chance that you can get some peace. Living with such people is never easy. It makes the life hell. They already had so much with you when you are not with them.
    You should tell your H that whatever he is doing for his family is fair enough. But you have your separate life now. If you want to give them more importance by paying all their dues then let me spend my money for our expenses. You can divide the expenses and spare your money completely from ILS.
     
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  3. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Silver IL'ite

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    @MonikaSG, I don't have that option to take separate flat nearby. For PILs, it's matter of what relatives will think that married son staying separately. Already, we are just newly married and staying in Delhi due to job, still they are scolding DH regularly that they are feeling humiliated in front on relatives that married son staying separately, and regularly bashing him as worst son, never did anything for them, That's why we applied transfer to Pune now even without good job prospects in DH company Pune branch currently. My only hope that application won't be successful.
     
  4. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Knowing your in laws mentality where finances are concerned, discuss everything in detail with your husband, before you finally move in with them. Make it very clear to your husband that there has to be proper understanding among you both where finances are concerned, as this could become a major cause for daily arguments/fights with inlaws when you move in.
    First of all, you can let him know that you will give a certain amount monthly as home expenses from your side, depending on what you can lay aside as priority. The balance you should be free to save/spend on yourself or your parents etc as you will. Ensure from the beginning to have a secure nest at your disposal. This may create some friction with your spouse, but it cannot be helped. It is better he knows the position than you being at their mercy after handing over everything.
    It would be in bad taste to mention that you will be meeting expenses of his parents for maintenance once you move in. Leave it to your husband to manage the joint household expenses etc once you have given what is possible from your side. Unnecessarily harping on him spending on his family, will only distance you from your husband at this stage.
    Everyone faces these issues in the beginning and you can react according to the situation, without getting aggressive. Best wishes.
     
  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for your guidance. Thing is once all household expenses are covered, DH is having less disposable income than me after paying to the bank. But if I help my dad with loans taken for my marg, my edu, it is seen as helping my dad, instead of as paying "my" loans. It is seen as free money lying around and to be used for DH loans and my new family, rather than sending to parents.
    Isn't it unfair, I have to take care of inlaws from my income(while they are using their pension to buy house for SIL). But I can't help my dad with my loans , as married daughters salary belong to DH/ inlaws first. This is causing me huge anguish and frustration. As my "disposable income" is seen as more , so I don't have the option to just contribute a small share, rather the bigger share as DH has to pay the bank while I have option to skip paying my parents for my loans.
     
  6. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Silver IL'ite

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    Take a strong step now or forget about any relief in future. ILS don't have any mental treatment. They are born to make us mental.
     
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  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Silver IL'ite

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    It's very complicated. I can share my income with husband, but before spending on his entire extended family for luxuries, I should first pay my own loans. But just because my father took my loan on his name, inlaws are taking for granted that I can skip paying that, afterall now I am married and my priorities changed. If this is the situation regarding my own loan, what more responsibility can I take of my parents? This is what is causing me frustration.

    I feel working women have responsibilities towards parents too, Today whatever I am is because of my parents upbringing, educating me and all sacrifices they made. So, after marg, should I forget everything, put all burden on their head, and dedicate myself to new family completely? But I'm not able to convince as they see my parents are "better off" so I need not take any responsibility.
     
  8. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Gold IL'ite

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    Every married woman goes through this in initial years...of marriage.... including me.
    Though in mycase m not yet earning...m a post grad student ...bt even after 2yrs of marriage.... pils control my dhs finances... i hv no idea hw much he has in his bank ac.
    As everyone said above.... if you dont take matters in hand now.... u cant ever get out of this mess in future.

    Stop thinking about allowing or not allowing u to spend on ur parents or how morally its wrong n all...yes we all know its wrong...bt indian society mindset of son's parents is same... we cant help it.
    We cant change it.
    You will be boiling ur blood unnecessarily with no benefit.

    So best thing you can do is sit with your husband (as urs is a love marriage...m sure you both have some level of understanding...use that to create a pleasant atmosphere before you start this convo with ur husband).
    Make use of right words from your mouth. Tell him that as he is responsible for paying off loans for his parents... you are responsible to pay for ur parents too irrespective of married or not doesn't change the fact that you will be their daughter always.
    Tell him that you love him and you know he will understand n support you.

    Sit and and decide on the amount which you both are willing to contribute to ur family (his family).. let it be say for e.g. 20% of your salary.... he should contribute 20% of his salary and you should contribute 20% of your salary irrespective of who is earning how much.... n rest money should be his and urs own for ur personal use where and how you spend or whom u spend on should need not be told to ur partner unless major cash outflow is going out.
    So e.g. if he earns 75k and u earn 60k.. 20% of 75k is 15k and 20% of 60k is 12k... so u gv him 12k and let him manage rest of expenses of his parents or home.
    Dont try to stop him spending on his sisters or their kids suddenly... he will get offended that u r controlling him.... go step by step n slowly reduce his spending in indirect ways....by mutual understanding and investments... planning baby ...etc...
     
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  9. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Gold IL'ite

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    Do not be honest and straight with inlaws....thats the biggest lesson i learnt. You should have told the loan was in ur name which ur father took. Anyhow. Don't entertain inlaws nonsense. If they say anything just say...you are educated by ur parents and are capable of working n taking financial decisions on your own. Just say in a very calm and firm tone and move away. If they scream or blame or do drama...dont react. Eventuay they will get used to it that thwir words have no effect on you.

    Your focus should be to be able to get ur husband to understand ur point. Forget abt inlaws. If husband supports... u dont need to csre abt anyone else. So be careful in what u talk to ur husband. Careful words...careful emotions... and slowly ur husband will get on ur side.
     
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  10. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    My advise would be that irrespective of what your in laws think( you cannot make them favour you for helping your parents) , you can make it very clear, that you will be sending your share that you feel is right and u can manage to your parents. As i said, there will be friction , but u have to do what u feel is right - and surely giving a part of your income to your parents, is the right thing to do.
     
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