Confused and Clueless!! Need a third person point of view...

Hello ladies,

I have been a regular reader of this forum and have witnessed some great pieces of advice coming here. I need an outsiders point of view in my situation. Please bear with me, as this is going to be a lengthy post.

A brief introduction, ours is an arranged marriage and we have been married for past 6 years. To the outside world, we have a perfect life!! I have a 5 year old DD.
Both of are in IT field. For the past two years, I have been working full time. However, my husband is not, since his Visa is not letting him work.

Coming to the issue, very often I see my husband complaining about one thing or other about time. The list goes on like this..
1. I am not being responsible enough to look after the family finances (I am the only earning member).
2. I am not cooking good food, not enough variety, not tasty, can never make up to the level of my MIL. ( I cook two meals a day, working full time, where he stays at home whole day.)
3. I do not care for him much. ( Read - making snacks in the evening, making tea two times for him.)
4. I am learning to drive now. (The driving hours are continuous yelling sessions).

Over the last two years, our physical intimacy is like once in two/ three months.
He is very short tempered at home. To the outer world, he is most polite man one could ever see. With me, he is never polite. Recently, this is continuing with my DD as well. He has started disciplining her for almost everything, which she find very irritating.

He started taking his thyroid medication for past few months. But I am unsure, whether to correlate all this to hormonal imbalance or some thing else.

I try to be very patient, thinking, joblessness is making him do all this. But, I can't be sure, because even when we were in India, when he was working full time, I have seen all this, on and off.

Sometimes, he is fine and given a chance, he starts his complaining non stop.

 

Continuation....

Sometimes I feel like, his needs and demands are endless, I am never going to reach the level.. But, all these constant criticism is making me feel that, I am incapable of doing anything properly. But that is not true! Though, I am aware of the fact, my mind is become numb and is starting to accept, whatever he claims about me.

Sometimes, I read up articles about Narcissists. I doubt whether he is one. But, I am not sure. In the past so many years, I have never seen him appreciating me for anything.

Few instances, were I was criticized for something and I achieved it, with great difficulty:

1. We use to live in joint family and I took a break for one year, when my DD was born. Rejoined my work, and as we know, working full time in India is so stressful. I used to travel for almost 4 hours in a day to and fro. Having an infant, working full time and travel, I always found cooking a very tough task. I think it is natural for anybody, who has gone through it. However, somehow he was always disappointed that I am not cooking much at home. Of course, my MIL was responsible for the damage. I stood by decision and have tried reasoning out to him about how unfair it is expect that from me.
Sometimes, he would look like he understood, but deep down his heart, he is dissatisfied about it. Scenario changed, when moved to another country. I am the one who is doing everything here. I may not be amazing cook, but not that bad as well. Lot of my friends and colleagues have appreciated the food and liked it. So I can at least be sure that I am an average cook. I never repeat any dish before 15 days. Is it not good enough for someone working full time?

But, he is always ready to point out that, it is not enough.

2. When I took a break, of course, he constantly asking me to start looking for a job and continue my career. Which is good.. No doubt! Once done, and I was working hard to gain my stature at work, he would be like "You are working so much, but u really don't know, how to ask for a raise. Look at the world, how people are getting onsite opportunities. You are not good enough to ask for one. Why do you have to work like this? etc" That was a right statement. I really din't know negotiation at that point. I took it as a challenge and I am here. He has made statements like "You are the reason why we aren't getting to go abroad." Which is totally unfair. But still I thought, it was my responsibility too, to work towards the financial upliftment of my family. When I asked him about, what his plans would be, he promised about taking up higher education and giving it a try etc. But, after we came here, I don't see him that motivated to enroll for a PG. However, still he never misses a beat to tell me that, I am not being paid enough, or why I am not demanding for GC processing from my employer. Or whatever I am doing is not enough.

How do I take this trait of him? Or how can I only take the comments positively? Such statements trigger me to think about what all he is not achieving.

 

No plans of returning to India.. Going to apply for H1 for him next year too.. This year he dint get selected in the lottery.. He tries to keep himself occupied. But, no motivation towards a PG or certifications.. He avoids any conversation with me on that front.. I really dont know, how to motivate him.. Sometimes, I find him watching some silly mega serials.. I feel very bad..

 

Well.. I cannot say, he is doing nothing.. That wouldn't be fair on my part, if I said that..
He has voluntarily taken up lot of my chores.. but that is not enough.. Also, after knowing the bitter truth and showing all the frustration on me is what is putting me off..

Things he does and that too very well:

1. He manages all the finances of our family. He does it very well, we save a lot, when I see my other friends and colleagues.
2. Morning, when I am cooking, he is the one to get my DD ready to school.
3. Washing the clothes.
4. Cleaning the dishes.
5. Vacuuming the whole house, whenever required.
6. Any other maintenance required by anything electrical appliance etc.

These are just examples.. Also, emotionally and ethically he is a very good man. he has always treated both our families equally. Moreover, he takes care of my parents just like his own.

The only problem in our life, is the sudden role reversal and the frustration following that.