Condolence Etiquette

@guesshoo- Thanks a ton for this thread. My father passed away couple of years ago. And I remember my cousins couldn't put two words together to talk to me. Even now, they can't be supportive of what I go through. Forget my cousins, my DH doesn't get my emotions around my father passing away. With that being said.
I want to add- to DONT'S
-please don't compare or share stories of someone else passing away. NOT COOL Don't share similar stories of someone else being sick and how and where they passed. Nobody should listen to someone else story and compare their grief with an unknown person to sooth themselves.
-Every one is different/ ever family is different. Be respectful. Some may go through with customs/ some may not. Don't a question about why this custom or the other custom isn't done.


That's all for right now.. may come back with more.

Why are these things never properly taught? I really wonder! Is our culture so terrible that most of the time- we live comparing to someone else and in death too it just continues!

 

Good thread @guesshoo .....

Best thing is - Be calm & give that person a warm hug and let them know you are there for them in this grief. If possible be with them and help them in need and try to be in touch with them more often.

 

@guesshoo

Two real life experiences I would like to share. One happened when I was a student. My friend's sister lost her husband at a very young age. He had mentioned to me many times that she is very spiritually evolved individual and hence I didn't know what to say to her. I just stood two hours inside the house next to her husband's body. Many relatives were telling her to cry so that she would feel better. She just sat their without a drop of tear in her eyes. I went again for the funeral. At that time also, she just sat next to her husband and said "Good bye" to him with a smile. She held her little daughter close to her and even I couldn't stop crying. Everyone around including her brother and parents were in tears but she was undisturbed by the ceremonies. That is when I realized grieving is different for different people.

Second, I had a colleague of mine who died when his two boys were 8 and 6. I decided to travel to where he was working to attend his funeral. As soon as I entered their home, some of my colleagues told me that my friend mentioned my name as a well-wisher and guardian and hence he had no fear whatsoever that he was leaving. I walked in and held two children right next to me until the first one was supposed to be ready for the funeral. My colleague's body was dressed up in a suit as per his wish and his wife did namaskar when the body left his house. She fainted immediately thereafter and the ladies around brought her in. Only question she asked me, "Did I pay my final respect to him?" and I said, "Yes".

When I left I told her to call me anytime if she needs me and she told me that her husband had given some instructions regarding that. I took the responsibility to get his 401(k), contributions voluntarily made by the colleagues, leave salaries, etc. He had no mortgage insurance but had a small term life-insurance. He left her with house mortgage and a few other debts. She found a job on her own and kept consulting me every week for 2-3 months. After that, she called me once a month to validate her actions and investments. His children are now in college and one of them is in a Medical school. They are handling things very well. Still, she calls once in three months to talk to me. She truly considers me like a brother. She is constantly in touch with me for the past 15 years. If we don't hear from her, my wife or I will call her to learn about her well-being. She lives in a different state. Even now, whenever she travels to India, she would call us to tell her whereabouts.

Viswa

 

Grieving is different for different people.When my father passed away in 1982 he was 93 and my mother was 81.One of my sisters was attending on them.All other siblings were in other places.On receiving the message while I was in office,I rushed home.I could reach the place at night only.My father's body was laid down in the hall.My mother was sitting by his side.As soon as she saw me ,she asked me to sit down and told how magnificent Appa looked in the rose garland.Then she asked me whether I have brought ,thirattu paal ( milk koa) which was liked by my father.She started abusing me for not bringing the sweet.It took sometime for me to realise that she was not aware of my father's death.Everyone was crying and not even a single drop of tear from my mother's eyes.Every neighbour started hugging my mother and started wailing aloud as per village customs and she was totally unresponsive.Next day, as the funeral arrangements were on, many seniors advised Amma to cry aloud, in vain.Everything was over.Everyday my amma asked me," did you give coffee to Appa? did you give the soft padusha to him? He is sitting on the coir cot in front pyol. Be talking to him.
She refused to remove the thali thread( mangal sutra )as per the family custom.Daily while taking bath she asked for turmeric to be applied on her sacred thread.
After three long months,one day she suddenly realised that Appa was no more.She began to cry aloud and started hitting my sister.I rushed from madras.My mother started blaming me for everything,
"You are highly educated,well employed.A proud peacock,you never even informed me about father's death and never cared to show his face to me etc etc." We allowed her to cry for two hrs.We never tried to pacify her.After three hours she felt tired, drank some water and fell asleep.Then followed the same complaints for two or three days. Gradually she realised the circumstances and regretted for scolding me.
Being motherless my mother was in the same house ,married her own maternal uncle and she lived with him for 82 long years.
I thought that God/nature made her oblivious of everything,otherwise she would not be able to bear the loss .It was a blessing in disguise.

jayasala 42

 

@guesshoo,

I have run into this article a couple of times in the past year and I made total sense to me - even as a recipient of advise. It helped me feel that the other person did not know, a tall order for me then. But help it did!

How Not to Say the Wrong Thing in Death, Illness, Divorce, and Other Crises - United Methodists of North Texas -


The ‘Ring Theory’ of kvetching works in all kinds of crises — medical, legal, even existential.

 

agreed.. its reminding me of my schoolmate's brothers death... whole class though i warned them went there create such a fuss which made both my friend and her mom to faint ... should act according to age. i didnt go because when they see us they will miss child more