Concept of giving the girl away - Is this the main reason for abuse?

Re: Concept of giving away the girl - Is this the main reason for abuse?

This is happening because of lack of communication prior to marriage. The system must change where lots of aspects are discussed prior to marriage.
There are girls who are interested in joint family, there are girls who are interested in nuclear family. Same with guys.

Better matches can be found if discussions happen PRIOR to the marriage.

Ofcourse if it is abusive ILs then its a totally different matter. I am talking abt normal ILs here.

Ofcourse, as always, things change and one needs to be flexible after marriage incase there are too many frictions, then perhaps initial plans may need to change. Visu - did you read the Joint vs Nuclear thread in IL?

 

the case of Priyanka is really unfortunate.

but with normal families, i think it will differ from case to case. if things are really ugly then its better to live separately from ILs and maintain a respectful relationship than live together and fight all the time.

 

I had some thoughts on your points...

What made Satish think that it is wrong to live separately from his parents - is this not because of his accepting the norm that a DIL should adjust with his family, no matter what?

I strongly feel this is because ILs and husbands do not treat a wife as a part of their family. For some odd reason, she becomes a scape goat the minute she enters the household, giving no time to adjust. Believe me, one of the most difficult things to do, is be thrown in a situation with complete strangers who are ready to pounce on you on the slightest pretext. (This is not a generalization, I'm sure there are exceptions)

Do you think, that this insistence on adjusting with in-laws the root cause of marital abuse that would eventually lead to a bitter breakup, 498a's, murders and what not?

Maybe. Unless the husband and wife both decide they want the marriage to work, as individual thinkers, without any influence from either side parents, people will always find an excuse to walk out of the marriage. It really does take two to clap hands. If it does happen one sided, then usually I see one party giving up a lot/ compromising to make it work. I think it entirely depends on what the lady/ man in question want...whether they want the marriage for keeps or whether they want to walk out.

 

Re: Concept of giving away the girl - Is this the main reason for abuse?

Just my ponit of view.. It is to start with parents first than with in-laws.. I do appreciate that parents raise us up and support us.. But then there are many parents who have the urge to get their daughters married off before 25.. By 25 neither girl nor her career would be stable.. The parents themselves wholehearted accept the concept of kanyadaan.. They dont have any problem with thse customs.. The explaination given is ' it is our tradition'.. Almost every parent believes that a daughter is going to become an outsider one day.. No parent questions this tradition.. Every mother teaches her daughter even before marriage on how to please her husband and in-laws after marriage and get adjusted to their customs..
I wish the same parents had first thought to teach their daughter of her rights.. and get her to be independent..
When my husband had almost deserted me, my mother had a hard time answering the curious neighbors and relatives as to why her married daughter was staying so long with her parents.. Even my mother, though she knew the attrocities of my MIL, was only pressurizing me to go and live with my in-laws..

 

The thought that a woman does not belong to her maternal family once she is married off must be eradicated from the society. Forget about until getting married, when a girl is born she belongs to another family.
The night before my nightmare(marriage), my aunt told me that I should know the time my mother-in-law wakes up and I should wake up half an hour before her and starting working around the house. I should not rise my voice even if they complain ,shout for wrong reasons. I should keep everything within the four walls and never share anything that's happening there at mom's house or friends. I followed the same, did not share anything that was happening to me at my maternal home and when they came to know about everything after 7 years they question me why I did not go to them much earlier.
If only I was told about my rights and their limits before marriage, I would have saved myself.

Man/woman, leave their parents and unite together. Each of them have their responsibilities towards their parents/extended family. I do not like the concept of woman not having the responsibility towards her parents/extended family after the marriage.
A woman is always brought up with the thoughts that she will have to go to her mother-in-laws home after her marriage and that will be her home. Marriage is about starting a new life and building a new nest from scratch.

Visu, Thanks for the thread and for the genuine thoughts. Most of the women do not want to live with in-laws but are afraid to speak up as they will be termed as bad wives or dils by others. That's what I believe. And the stupid soaps in the tv also portray a wife as good only if she lives with her in-laws.

 

Regardless of wether one is educated or not, humans come with self respect and desires. Earlier women used to brunt it because, they werent too courageous to get out of abusive relationships. Now, regardless of wether they are in careers or not, they have started to realise they have a life which could be worth more.

VIsu, I feel it is not about the men or women, it is all about the society we live in, which more is concnerned about what others do. Even, if the wife wants to move out to maintain cordial relationship and the husband sees sense in it, many times, the society makes the parents feel either they dont take care of the new DIL well OR they are being abandoned by their son. I guess, when parents ( who are physically fit ) understand that, by their son and DIL moving out to a nearby place, the love and afection remains no matter what, things will go super smooth.

But also, there are women who feel they have to be with abusive inlaws because they wont be accepted by parents if they walk out. So, everything needs to go in a flow.. Couple, inlaws and their thinking.

Even when one is otherwise, problems shoot in. Some change over time, some just dont .. Take you for instance, you said, you first insisted that she live with your parents. There was no abuse or anything, still your wife felt it is better to stay seperate to keep relationships going smooth. Her thinking is not wrong. neither was yours. It was just about reaching a common ground to keep peace going. You used your brains and gave it a shot for she accepted your decision in the first place. So, there was a little give and take. Now, all of you are at peace. That is all that matters. If people could make small changes to ease tensions this way, there would be less heartaches in married life I guess. It ofcourse, applies to both wife and husband, equally.

So, it is all upto what we can / wish to do and ready to change for peace. The problem arises when only one among the couple is expected to do all the compromise for the other.

P.S - I always wanted to ask you, why dont you tell your wife to join IL ? We would want to congratulate her personally for having such a like minded hubby ! Touchwood.

 

Very well said!!!
OOPALL

 

Regarding 'Most of the women do not want to live with in-laws' ...

A different, but still interesting discussion going on at:
Reasons for a girl wanting to live with in-laws?

It all varies from person to person and family to family. And, as Mithila aunty and Oopall were discussing (refer to my signature), like oopall said - they sure dont make women like that anymore :crazy. So, I'll still have to agree with Arch on "Most" LOL! There spiderman agreed to a generalization, LOL!