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Cheating And Forgivenss In Married Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by HHj, May 4, 2019.

  1. HHj

    HHj Bronze IL'ite

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    I am married to a merchant navy captain. Have two kids 5yrs and 35 days.
    Recently I came to know that while coming back from ship after 5 months at delhi airport my husband had 9 hrs waiting... In that time he went out to hotel and slept with a call girl.
    Next day was our 11th anniversary nd didnt even want to cut the cake. Kya zaruri hai. I cinfronted him nd he accepted that. Told his family. They scolded him. Nd said next time dont do. But it was nd still very difficult to take that **** out from my mind nd my heart. I was in my 9th month pregnancy... Whole month i spent crying nd showing my anger..his father came here to stay with us for my delivery... He said ho gaya na.. .Forget it.. .Forgive him. I told him its not easy to forgive. He said because of ur anger my son is going into depression. Few days gone.. Because i was not able to control my anger.. V fought again and then his father said to his son.. Keep quite she just needs attention thats why she is doing all this.
    His all family memeber hv blocked my number because i was showing my anger and i told his father to get out of our house.
    Delivered my baby girl nd my husband was fine. Was taking care of me. But then aftet 10 days without telling anything went to some hotel and stayed there for 4 days. I told his family but no one was replying back.
    Then my sister sent a msg that if he will not come home we will file a compalint against him. Ok he came back home. My sister scolded him a lot. Nd he said sorry i will never donit again.
    The again after a week he told me he is doing some course nd everyday he used to leave home at 6:30 in d morning nd come back at 6 in d evening. Luckiny I came to know that he went to hotel again nd sleeping with girls. Nd having viagras also.
    He used to hit me. He drinks..he smokes.. He gives me limited money when he goes for sailing.

    Now he is showing that he is changing and will not do that **** again. But I am sure he is calling or that agent is calling him. . He has saved numbers as boys name so i cant catch him.

    Today when i was drinking. I tried to stop him nd he said zada karegi toh i will go again.

    I hv two kids. Dont know what should i do??? ? My son loves him a lot
     
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  2. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Very sad to hear. If you have confidence in him that he will truly change then give one last chance

    If he can get a regular 9-5 job and prove his loyalty that will be a good start
     
    SinghManisha likes this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    What do you want OP?
    Will you ever be able to love, trust or have sex with him. He dont love or respect you for sure. You are just a kid making machine for him.

    He can get STD/AIDS etc..ask him to do test for it if you decide to stay.

    Ask him what he and his family do if you sleep with "call boys? " multiple times .. ask what explanation he can give for cheating his own family and kids Will he ever be a good role model for his kids?

    You said
    "He used to hit me. He drinks..he smokes.. He gives me limited money when he goes for sailing. "
    Abuser, alchoholic, smoker, not a good provider.

    "In that time he went out to hotel and slept with a callgirl"
    "went to some hotel and stayed there for 4 days."
    "Luckiny I came to know that he went to hotel again nd sleepingwithgirls"
    "But I am sure he is calling or that agent is calling him
    ."

    A cheater
    You dont trust him. What message you give your kids by staying with this serial cheater. Cheater is always a cheater. He proved it. How did you come to know all these. Will you ever get peace of mind.

    "My sonloveshim a lot"
    But he dont love kids. He loves his sexual pleasure than anything else. If he ever loved them he would not have screwed up their life like this. He can continue as their father even if you stay or leave him. What if your kids follow his footsteps ..

    Seriously, ....
    It's your life your decision, no one can tell you what to do...dont you have any self respect? He is treating you like ****

    If you decide to stay, dont take him back immediately. Tell him you can't live with him again. Give some shock treatment. Let him suffer too. One option is to ask him to quit current job and live with you and kids. He should be with you every day. He should prove his worth to be with you again.

    But if he is tempted to go, he will find ways to do it again and hide it from you...how many chances you are ready to give. You know only the above three cases. What about unknown cases.

    So sorry to hear all these...follow your gut feeling. People will have different opinion. But no one is in your shoes. So think well and take a decision that will give you peace of mind..

    Do you work?
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2019
  4. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

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    Hi op
    I can understand your situation as i have gone thr the same.forgetting and forgiving will take months or years...i was severly depressed close to 2 years and worst anxiety attacks.its a struggle to overcome all this feelings.I still sometimes regret the decision of letting things go and be in the family for the kid when I see the male ego ,selfish and self centered nature of my husband.But then I remind myself that I am committed to my child to bring him up and fulfill the responsibilities i have towards him. No man is a good father if he cheats on his kid's mom ,beat her or treat her as a piece of furniture..Do not take any decisions now.dont discuss things with inlaws .concentrate on your emotional well being.once you have clear mind,follow your instincts.I am still disturbed or sad at times when I think about the whole episode.But thats the emotional baggage I am carrying and I hope that weight reduces gradually .
     
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  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Hang in there for a little bit. Take it one step at a time. Focus on the new baby and your recovery from the delivery. In a month or two when things have settled down evaluate your options . Financial independence is probably the most important factor influencing your decision .
    If I was in your shoes and financially secure I would not waste a second of my life with a reckless man like him. He has put your and your child’s health at risk. Please take care of yourself and the baby.
     
    nakshatra1 likes this.
  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    If money be the matter, and the OP is married to a merchant-marine who'd be away most of the time on his work, would it make sense to peacefully talk to the man who makes the money to budget the expenses for the family that includes layouts for home, children, as well as his expenses of booze, paid-sex with whomever at whatever port, and perhaps a medical check for STD's & HIV whenever he comes back home.

    Given the conditions of life, getting to a tolerable bargain, and then work on improving the conditions of that bargain would be a productive way to spend the energy, and whatever goodwill the OP has with the captain. Yelling and screaming is a waste of energy and totally counter productive to managing a life with two children.
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...this is not cheating for him.
    It is a lifestyle for him .
    He will not change because that is his way of life.

    If you cannot tolerate this.....plan an exit....even if it is a long term plan.
    Find a lawyer. Get hold of his pay slips.
    Get divorce. Get maintainance,child support and your children's share in property.

    If that is not possible , then bargain for a fair share in his earnings.
    Work towards getting independant .
    Bargain for your children's share in property in return for staying married.....even if you have to ask the grand parents ,do it. Get it on their names.

    If he touches you....remember ,he is a low life ,diseases carrier, filthy excuse of a husband .

    Don't look at this man with any emotions . Don't waste your tears . You have a lot to do.

    Hugs to you .
    No one deserves such an bad person in their life.
    Hope you are able to work through this and emerge victorius.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2019
  8. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    If OP is not financially independent this situation will probably serve as a catalyst to start becoming financially independent. She will then be in a better position to pull the plug on this marriage if she chooses to.





     
  9. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    First of all it's very disrespectful for your FIL to say those things. Looks like he just cares about his son and not his family as a whole.

    Looks like you have tried to talk it out and fix things with him and for some reason he doesn't want to get better for his family. I would say be prepared for the worst. If you thinking that you should stay in such a relationship for your kids, then I suggest the opposite. You should be out of this for your kids and to give them a better life. You will have to stop focusing on him and focus on yourself now and on a plan on how to give a better life to your kids.

    Do you think you are in a situation where you could spend 6-8 months in that house? If so then below is my suggestion of becoming independent first before initiating a divorce.

    What is your education background? Were you working before?

    I know it would be difficult to go to work now, but do you think you can after 6-8 months? Would someone maybe on your parents side be able to baby sit your kids while you work?

    When we go through something bad, we(including me) start thinking emotionally instead of logical/analytical thinking. Think analytically for next 6-8 months and keep a record of his and ur in-laws behavior in these months. Record of whatever he says and of other things you can(including your in-laws) and use it as an evidence in future when needed. Don't talking to him much about what he is doing and why he is doing it. He is an adult and should know what is right and what is wrong. We can help someone if they want to change, but can't force a change on anyone. Also he shouldn't know anything about you planning to leave him in future if he doesn't change. You have already tried it and it's not working.

    For now whatever money you are getting from him, use it for your kids and see if you can save some for future. Work on improving your skills and ways to find a job in next few months. Then as others suggested, get a divorce and ask for child support.
     
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  10. HHj

    HHj Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for replying...
    It is very difficult when u hv to live dual peraonality life. Inside I am shattered broken sad crying everyday but outside I hv to pretend that all is ok.
    Yes my in Laws nd my husband....they hv such a good bonding no one can break.. My Mil dosent like girls....Fil has taken POA in all his sons Accounts and houses. I dont hv any financial security for me nd my kids...

    I dont hv my parents... Only child to my parents.. Since childhood stayed with my mamaji... But no one helps in difficult times..

    I was working but left job 11yrs back... When I got married.

    You said if he wants to change... But I dont think he can change... Because I am sure this is not d first time he has slept out. If it was first time he should be ashamed but he is saying "sab karte hai... Mein bhi karta hoon toh kya problem hai" he said "mein jata bhi hoon toh kya hua...I am not stepping back from my responsibilities " he always stairs every girl jaise abhi bus woh iske paas aa jaye... .Now after knowing all this I feel so disgusted that I hv slept with this shitty man. .For so many yrs..

    Day before yesterday he was drinking... I said why r u drinking everyday.. When u promised me that u will not drink. We end up with fighting.. .Nd he said if u will interefere in my drinking I will go out nd do whatever I want like before....

    I feel so bad for myself nd my kids.. .V dont deserve this man.... We hv given all d love nd always been loyal to him... I could also go with someone... But I hv never thought this. . I dont hv any male friend just thought why to spoil my relation...

    I am not able to decide should I leave him then I think about my kids they need a father... I never had my fathers love... Same i dont want for my kids...

    If not then what is our future... I cant live happily with him. Cant hv phyisical relation with him... What my kids will learn... All d bad habits. ..Nd they will see us fighting everytime...

    If I will start a job wont get much money...I am just a graduate nd 11 yrs gap..

    He knowz my weakness that I cant leave him... Thats why he is taking advantage.. .he knows that there is no one to support me...

    But now I really actually hate him.
     

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