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Chatting With Odd Guy

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by aksdxb, Oct 15, 2018.

  1. aksdxb

    aksdxb New IL'ite

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    It's going to be 10years of our marriage by next month, we are having two wonderful babies one in Grade 2 and another in KG1. My old stories are shared here previously - Its not Working

    recently I observed my wife is always chatting with some odd guy. She never shares anything about him.normally she don't use WhatsApp and FB that must but these days she is always online, no proper sleeping. calling somebody in India and all those odd activities.

    To understand her odd behavior I found she is always chatting with a young guy of 24 years old (she is 34) and their chat language is so vulgar. I found that guys number she is India and we are in UAE and I told her don't contact her. later I spoke to wife and explained her all these stories and I know what's happened between you and him so please stop. She agreed, later after two weeks, I found out she is calling this again and chatting.T his time I was very much angry and called mom in India shared those things.S he promised her mom not to continue.after that two weeks nothing then last week they started chatting and telling me now they are good friends.I told her you make anyother male friend I dont care but this guy i can't accept it.So either you stop it or leave alone I will take care of my kids .If you wish you can leave us for him.

    That she dont want.She want to stay with us and chatt with him.I spoke to her mom and her Sis,She is agreeing everything and later she continue the same.I dont know what to do ?

    Our previous issues are here:Its not Working
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2018
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  2. Lalithambigai

    Lalithambigai Finest Post Winner

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    Did you try asking her what's missing in your relationship that she is seeking outside and seems to be finding as well. Figure that out and try filling that gap yourself before posting your success story here :) Keep it simple.

    As a woman I can understand what it might be but I don't want to guess and put words in your mouth or hers.
     
    Amulet likes this.
  3. Amulet

    Amulet Finest Post Winner

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    The first thing you do is to stop spying on her.
    She wants to live with her children and her husband, and chat with someone in a far away country.
    In the generation before electronic media, there was penpals. That was slow and cumbersome.
    Now we have chatpals on various kinds of app's and phone; not too expensive either. It is a good, morale boosting thing to have when one is lonely in a far away country, dealing with two small kids, and maintaining a home.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2018
  4. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello... I am a bit surprised at the responses here. If it was the husband talking to some random woman everyone would be bashing him. Her behavior is foolish and reckless. She should leave the marriage if she has no interest. But cheating on your spouse is a big no.
     
    bron, JustAnotherMom, Gallant and 8 others like this.
  5. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    When Op clearly says the chats are indecent,how can it be acceptable?

    You seriously need to ask your wife what is missing between you both.Try to help her get the idea that the guy must be using her and may have a bad motive..which could even be exploiting her financially and not just about physical relationship.

    She seems to be carried away with his new found attention .Try to put some sense into her head soon.
     
  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, I havent read your other post. you said it is indecent chats ? Is it *** chat with a peak or online romance. If so its is cheating according to me. Doing the same with same person for years is EMA. I can understand the difference between friendly chat, flirting and *** chat over internet or phone. Friendly chat is acceptable (to me) but not the other. There is a huge difference between these. For some men/women it is acceptable, may be they are also doing the same. But if is unacceptable to you that why you are suffering. So its a big NO in your case.

    Please have a face to face talk with her and ask her what is missing in her life. Tell her very clearly you cannot accept it and you are contemplating separation if she do it again. Instead of saying she can leave, say you will leave ( i am not asking you to leave, just to be serious). Ask her will it be ok if you do the same with other women. Also warn her that her chat, phone calls , photos if shared can end up in bad situations in future. How can she trust that guy. I feel that this guy is using her for his *** needs. She is enjoying the attention. Give some reality check to her. Trust is very important in marriage.

    See if you can satisfy what is missing in your life. Is it attention/ care/ intimacy/romance? what it is ? Find out. I am sure there will a genuine reason. You should also consider couple counselling to give some light on her mind and to give the impression that you will leave her if she do it again. It will also help you to identify what is missing in your marriage.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2018
    NeetaR and aksdxb like this.
  7. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    It is not acceptable for a woman or man to always chat on unnecessary vulgar conversations with opposite sex. May be I will be thought of as a conservative woman with old thoughts, but Iam not. I am also an independent woman who knows what is wrong and what is correct. When u get married and have a wonderful partner or I can say a sincere partner by character, u can adjust and be happy and u r lucky to have such a wonderful married life. U can have a discussion on what is missing in her life. Everyone will have plus and minus, which are unavoidable in married life between husband and wife. Moving with men is not wrong but in a way that the men should have a respectable opinion and remark on you always. It is also applicable to men. Ur wife's activity should be stopped. It is not acceptable.
     
  8. Rakhii

    Rakhii Finest Post Winner

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    I vaguely remember your post from the past. I am so sorry to note that 8 years, 2 kids later things still didn’t improve in your married life.

    I can only rely on what you write here and assuming you gave the full story, your wife is one stubborn lady.

    She never wanted to leave India and she will forever make your life miserable if you choose to stay in UAE. You tried your best for 8 years and you keep having one trouble after the other and it all boils down to her wanting to go back to India.

    There is really nothing you can do at this point other than being firm and telling her that she has to make a choice. Its either you or him. She can’t have the cake and eat it too. Having a friend of opposite sex is one thing and vulgarity to the point thats making you uncomfortable is completely another thing.
    Give her the ultimatum. I know you want the kids with you and you have been compromising so far. But this is not an ideal situation for the kids to be brought up. they no longer are babies; they know what is going on. From the timeline, you must be late 30’s or early 40’s. You still have a good 30 years of quality life ahead of you. You deserve to be happy. With or without her. You don’t want to walk on egg shells all your life. Its exhausting.

    I honestly think its time to give her the ultimatum and stick with it. At the end of the day, even if she takes the kids with her to India, get the joint custody and see the kids once in a while. Spend some time with them on and off.

    Your wife is going to bring some major issue or the other. It happened it the past, it’s happening now, it will happen again in the future. You simply don’t have the common thread that binds you both together.
     
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  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    I am sorry to hear that. But here is a fact, your wife will not stop . It will make things worse, if you make it more and more public. It will show that you are not supporting her.

    I read a little of your old thread. You have a made a mistake in having children when you knew your marriage is high conflict one. Some people including women like to live in this high conflict life.

    sorry this is the sad truth. Unless she realizes this herself and stops, you becoming emotional, violent, silent no talk. nothing will change.

    If you want change, she needs to go NO CONTACT, with that guy then go for couple therapy either online or offline.

    other than it is in your hands to decide further. like separation .

    sorry this sounds harsh , but i have a neighbor raki brother, he has gone through the same situation . he too has 2 kids. advice and rules placed after some time are useless. your situation is exactly same with some other issues.
     
  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    for all heaven sakes, do not make anything public like telling your parents or hers. such high conflict people will get more trigger if you make it public.

    if she is ready to re concile, may be you should plan to move back to india for the sake of family
     

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