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Caught in between parents and husband...which way to go

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Caughtinbetween, Jan 27, 2016.

  1. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all... I am an old reader of this forum and learnt a lot from here.I found a lot of answers for many of my issues as a visitor but now in the wake of recent developments I thought that I should actively seek your valued advices.Hence here I am posting for the first time.

    I am a stay at home 31 year old woman married for over 4 years with no kids yet . We are in ttc for last 2.5 years which has mostly been a downhill bumpy ride.For the most part we encountered some or the other issue with ttc all the while.I have had few major complications and underwent extensive treatment and still few more issues to be treated before we see any light. I tried getting a job but was not successful, a lot of money got wasted at that time .Now I have again started my job search afresh after the passage of new immigration rules.Though stay at home is difficult for me and comes with its share of compromises , I don't blame anybody but myself for my destiny. I hope that I would get some work to ease my problems a bit.during all this while husband was ok . We are not good in communicating with each other though. He was very helpful and concerned during my treatment and also got too stressful out. This resulted in him getting diagnosed with a rare form of health issue ,this was yet another blow to our already difficult life. He got too exhausted emotionally financially and physically. Not mentioning in laws issues here because I believe that we both committed our share of mistakes,may be I was immature,did not let go a few things which I should (that I realized after going through posts here) and now the things have deteriorated. To admit , I talk way too less and absolutely worst in communicating with others. Words simply do not come out of my mouth if I am even slightly uncomfortable with someone or if a slightest of misunderstanding happens. I know this has cost me dearly and I have to improve it.things are looking pale on ttc front too as doctor says that things won't be good if got delayed further for me . My inlaws are putting huge pressure on ttc understandably so.they are well off financially and in good form too.my parents on the other hand are not financially well but still they manage somehow . I could not be of any help to them financially until now. But now I hoped that I would take up a job and help them a little.could not ask my husband because of already mounting medical bills for both of us ,home expenses ,2 home loans to pay for and other expenses. Though he doesn't share any of his problems with me , but I can see and understand his situation. This also resulted in credit card debts .my parents on the other hand are having health and financial problems but they managed somehow. Now my mother is not well and though my heart bleeds to say this I don't know how long she would be around, she is completely bed ridden and recently suffered memory loss too . My younger brother helped my father and recently left to join his work back. My father is taking care of my mother alone and he too has limited abilities physically and financially. They live in a small town with limited help. Am trying to find a full time nurse for my mother to ease out fathers work. They charge way too much which my father can not afford so I am trying to get a job and help him in hiring a nurse from here. My father wants me to come and stay with them for couple of months to help him out . My heart wants to run immediately leaving everything without thinking twice. But I cannot do it when I think of it. I have no savings at all and I cannot help my father in taking care of any expenses if anything comes up suddenly. I would only be a burden on him . My brother only started working recently and his income is just sufficient for him. My husband says that you can go and stay for couple of months if you want to but I can feel that he is not in favor of me going and this yes is not coming from his heart. He is just saying it because I am crying and feeling sad and frustrated. I feel that he expects me to stay back for him as he did during my surgeries when there was a huge pressure on him to visit his parents but he did not. I also see huge financial crisis my trip would bring on him ,not just the travel thing my ttc treatment would go for a toss and added hurt and delay it would cause. And he was hopeful of me getting a job and helping him a bit now that I got my permit. My father on the other hand asks me to come Down immediately and I cry in pain a thousand times thinking of my fathers helplessness. I understand that husbands well being comes first and my parents second in a marriage I am at loss of words to explain my father of my compulsions . Both set of parents do not know any of our problems here .i have always told my parents that all is well here so that they feel better. Now all of a sudden how do I tell my father that these are my issues and I can only arrange for a nurse for them and help them financially but I can't come now.cant imagine how broken they would be . I feel that I am being cut into pieces right now don't know what to do . I realize that my husband is not in a situation to sponsor my trip and restart my ttc treatment after I come back and it would be a big blow to him. How to explain my stand to my parents. What do you advice. Please respond with your valuable advices and am ready to take the bash too . I know that many of you would think that I am selfish to not go and help my parents. I know I am selfish here or maybe more but only my heart knows how I feel between these emotions. Waiting for your responses and thanks in advance.
     
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  2. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Please do respond.i have high hopes on u all. Please. Thanks .
     
  3. Justanotherwife

    Justanotherwife IL Hall of Fame

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    I can feel your anguish. I am new to this site and this is my first reply to a question like this but I want to help you. I think you should take a break from ttc and go visit your parents. It will give you and your husband some space. You can start afresh after you come back. I say that only because between your parents and husband, looking at your post, seems your parents need you more. Talk to him and try to convince him.
     
  4. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks justanotherwife for reading through my long post and taking ur time out to reply . I am trying to convince him since last two days and it is not that he is saying that I can't go come what may. But I also see that he needs day to day care in food and other things and I don't know how to get him to spend more on my trip when I know that he does not have any resources to fund it either. Though I can't be sure that how things would be if tables turn and his parents are on the other side . If I go I ignore him and he would feel isolated and if I don't my parents are left heartbroken.
     
  5. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    I am an extremely weak person emotionally and short of putting across my feelings without crying and tears which often takes away the issue from its core . I so want to run to my parents but don't know how to manage tickets at least for my journey, can't think of asking my parents too . Never thought that I would be in middle of such a thing ever . Now that I am I feel totally defeated.
     
  6. Justanotherwife

    Justanotherwife IL Hall of Fame

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    Aww ... don't feel defeated. Now is the time you need to be strong. Men need some motivation to do stuff. If you put it in the right perspective and explain to him that you really want to be with him but can't stop yourself from going, if he can help you with the tickets, he will find a way out. I can relate to most of you what you have mentioned.
     
  7. Justanotherwife

    Justanotherwife IL Hall of Fame

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    Any close friend of his or yours who can take care of him, at least weekends, if not daily.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    First of all, get a grip on yourself. Do whatever it takes to snap out of the state you seem to be in. You know what works for you - exercise, yoga, job search with full vigor... whatever.

    Going in person to India is not going to help much, and will harm in many ways, some of them long term.

    Taking care of parents is a challenge for most people. Coupled with TTC and a currently slightly stressed marriage, even more so. So, hard as it is, try to be a little less emotional about things, and get a little logical and cold prioritization.

    There are many ways to make money beyond the opportunities changed immigration rules allow. Go for these. No job is too low. Nanny, cooking, drop-off service for kids, tuition, arts & crafts classses, other classes...

    At this point you cannot help in person. Your brother has to do that. He is single, younger, and working. You may have to tell him your situation, and that parents are for now his responsibility. You can help a little from afar.

    Your first priority is your TTC and husband's health, and your marriage.

    I am going to be a bit more blunt, and say this - to put your husband in the spot of saying yes/no for your trip to India, is not fair.

    Look OP, not that you don't deserve sympathy, you do. It is a tough situation you are in, and not any totally palatable choice, but, that is life. Into everyone's life a little rain must fall, and this is your share of that. Rest assured that if all threw their problems into a pile, we'd hurriedly reach back to grab our own. That's a saying, and quite true.
     
    coffeecups, pear, vaidehi71 and 2 others like this.
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    when did you visit India last time???

    I think first thing is, you may need to hire nurse for your mother and support them financially as much you could after having open conversation with your husband.

    The second part is you visiting India.If you never been to Indian in these 4 years probably a good time to visit time, keeping aside your financial issue since your husband is supporting you.Otherwise, you will drain our emotionally and which is not good for your TTC treatments.

    You need to tell your husband that you appreciate his help and understanding you.And take the offer if he is ok to send you to India.Once you come back think on working on things seriously.

    First thing, plan to support them financially for time being and think about other things slowly.
     
  10. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    My very, very blunt thoughts:

    1. TTC should wait.
    2. Marriage, your health and finances can't.
    3. Parents should manage by themselves.

    I'm sorry to even give you these "solutions", but I can't think of any better. The first thing which should be nurtured is your relationship with your DH and both your health. YOU should tell your DH that you are not going to India, as you would like to sort out things here first. Take the onus off his shoulders first. He will see you in a new light.

    FIND A JOB. Any job, any source of income would do. Start saving, and send money to your parents. It's the hard truth that you are not in a position physically or financially help them right now, so face it, and more importantly, resolve it.

    It's only after these above have been done, can you begin your TTC journey again. By God's grace, if you DO get pregnant, you should not have another decision to add to this mix.
     
    minn1 and Rihana like this.

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