1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Catholic - hindu married life - suggestions needed

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Serene23, Jan 11, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. ssm014

    ssm014 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,248
    Likes Received:
    1,424
    Trophy Points:
    290
    Gender:
    Female
    COngragulations dear on your (first i think..) baby. I have seen some of your posts on TTC forum...

    Its nice and I hope you feel blesses to have an husband who has accepted the way you are and even comes to churches etc..Probably he is secure in his beliefs and doesnt see an issue in embracing your expeactations on rasiing baby....

    But then have you ever thought of reciprocating with an open mind about visiting temples etc....taking part of his heritage, traditions and festivals...(I am sure it was somehwere a part of your forefather's too in not so distant past...)

    While I admit this is going off a tangent from OP query....I am somehow looking at some of the adjectives mentioned for your DH parents applicable like "rigid" applicable for your case...

    Please dont mind this honest talk,,,but from what little i have interacted with some people of your faith, they were not as orthodox...

    If you (anyone for that matter) have accepted your DH they way he is...then why not his (atleast some) of his family expactations, his traditions and his way of life the same way he has accepted yours...

    Wont that be a mutual give and take...
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2012
    3 people like this.
  2. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,627
    Likes Received:
    1,636
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Religion is a very personal journey...we derive our views because of factors which we think are important. While I may not follow CJ's approach, I would say that she does what is right for her. To be fair to her, she knew what she wanted and did put it forth before her wedding. And her husband agreed to her conditions....the same as in my case and many others. So I would leave it be.
     
    2 people like this.
  3. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    238
    Likes Received:
    138
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Religion is very personal. No one can vouch for this better, than an Athiest like me!

    But I would like to know if both sets of parents were involved when a single partner puts forth a condition like bringing up the child strictly as per that partner's religion. I seriously doubt that. Now, if someone tells me that marriage is only between the man and the woman and parents have no business being involved, then it's a different issue altogether. Parents' responsibility ends with bringing up the child, changing nappies, feeding, schooling, helping settle down in life..,once he settles down its none of their business whom he marries, whether he converts into a new religion, brings up his offsprings in that new Religion..of course it's none of their business. Correct?

    The only reason for me to say what I said was because I saw few words like 'rigid', 'unfair' in CJ's post. Just made me wonder who is really rigid. Well, nothing personal against CJ, but I just wanted to make a point that's all.

    I completely understand an Athiest's opinions will not have a penny's value in a religious discussion. Therefore, I will not mind if one says am making a pointless point.
     
    4 people like this.
  4. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    692
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Serene

    I am Christian and married to a Hindu.. It was a love marriage after almost 4.5 years of courtship. We have been married for 3.5 years now.

    Before marriage, I have put everything very clearly to my husband and in laws that I will be following Christianity and so will baptist my kid (s). As Christians we must believe in one God (Monogamous), hence I made them very clear that I can not pray Hindu Gods, or do Hindu rituals at any cost.. Because such acts will be considered as sins as per my belief. But I also made sure that I will accompany him to all the temples as his wife (just visit but not to pray) and help him celebrate all his Hindu festivals at our home (Such as cleaning homes, cooking special dishes/sweets, inviting friends, wearing new dresses, visiting families etc..etc..), so that he wont be feeling like he is singled out after marriage.
    Similarly I have asked his take on celebrating my side of the festivals, attending Mas at the church, observing special days/fasting (me) etc..etc... and he was 100% OK with them.

    As for children, we decided to go for common names that suits to our names... No Hindu or Christian names...but the regional names. That was all right.

    My husband and in laws go to church and pray to Jesus even before they have met me... But I have never entered into a temple nor prayed to any Gods other than Jesus till now.

    Things were all right before the marriage.. As agreed we had the church wedding (Half mas only since he was not converted) and Hindu wedding on the same day and had a common reception on the following day.
    After the marriage, my husband and I had no problems in observing our religions... He go to temples on special days only and I accompany him.. Whereas I attend Sunday mas alone (he just drop and pick me up to the church and I have no issues). On special occasions he comes with me. Life was so simple until my MIL started interfering into our life.

    MIL came in, and asked DH to have a separate room for God (Saami room), and asked me to remove all the pictures (pictures of Jesus and mother Mary - Just 2 frames in the hall) and keep them somewhere else.
    She prepared our food list and asked me to cook veggies on Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday and that too with different utensils. (Till then we used cook buriyani or fried rice with chicken on Sundays and special sea foods on Saturdays).

    She made sure that I visit the temple more often and observe some rituals (which I didnt) by forcefully... and things went upside down after the child birth...

    This is where I put my foot down.. and took my child and life under my control.. since I know my DH knows nothing, but follows his mom.

    The plan was to have a Hindu ritual and head shaving function for my son on his 31st day and to baptist him afterwards and let the child to follow whatever the religion he wants. At the end of the day, if he wants to become a Muslim, I will have no prob in it...

    Everything was set right and the Hindu function was over... Here my MIL came and made a big issue over baptism... Husband kept quite despite of all the arrangements (that too made by himself).
    While naming also, MIL made sure that we change the name (slightly a Hindu name) at the last minute, which I didnt understand before.

    So, I decided take a control... and I baptized my son, and teach him only Christianity.... As agreed, I have no problem in teaching Hindusm to my son (my husband can do that) and let him decide what religion he wants to be in... But for that, the initiative has to be made by my husband and not my MIL.. So, I will wait till my husband behave like a husband and a dad and not a dependent of his mom. Till then my kid will be just my KID only.

    Reason for relating my story..... Many men will be happy in nodding their head to whatever their would-be wife say/demand about their future marital life. Because they know that their life is gonna be extremely controlled by their MOMs, hence they don't need to bother too much about it prior to marriage. OR

    Many men (like my hubby) are very good at their hearts to understand and adjust with their wife's demands, since they love them. But they just can not do anything beyond their parent's rules/regulations, hence they simply close their eyes and let their parents rule their life no matter what.

    Inter religious marriages in India are not that easy... If you guys are moving abroad, then I am sure you can enjoy your life without any issues. But if you are gonna life close by your parents, then you (specially your husband) need some extra guts to face so much issues and behave neutral as the way you are doing it now.
     
  5. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,627
    Likes Received:
    1,636
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Unlike most other factors, religion is open for multiple interpretations...including atheism. If a person is rigid in one way or the other, in such a marriage, the parties are aware of it beforehand. So there are no surprises.

    When you have such differeningnopinions it does help to have the decisions made by the two parties concerned...which is why I feel that OP is absolutely justified in not wanting her children to be baptized if SHE doesn't want it. If she is selfish, she is selfish for her relationship and her children and her identity. Her fiancé is aware of it beforehand...and no, I don't think she should worry about following her husband's tradition. I don't! And from what she says, he is fine with it...so while they may take in others' opinions and negotiate amongst themselves, the ultimate decision stays with the two of them.

    Similarly if CJ is rigid, then her husband knew what he agreed to...it is his reposibility to think about his parents' feelings or about what others think of him, etc. And he had plenty of time to think about it.

    sometimes partners grow apart on the religion issue. But that can happen for so many other reasons too. If either of us became extremely religious and set down rules for the other then I'm sure we'll not be able to get along as well. The choice for us is to grow together. But others choose different paths.

    What will I tell my children? If they choose a different point of view, that is fine...but it has to be because they believe in it...not to fit someone else ideology. If a belief doesn't fit you you are going to discard it. But if you do it tonsuit another's need that is where resentment festers. That is not a basis for any relationship...but the time to think about it is BEFORE you enter into a relationship.

    The best way I can ensure that our children will understand this is to talk about it openly...so they are prepared to analyze and evaluate what they can or can't live with. THAT is within our scope.

    Most of the mixed marriages I know follow our path...that is because it is right for us...and it is not always Hindu Christian, it is also Hindu Muslim, Christian Muslim, Hindu Sikh, Hindu Jewish, Jewish Christian...Muslim buddhist...it depends on how you see your religion.
     
    2 people like this.
  6. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    238
    Likes Received:
    138
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Teacher: even if I were to knock off all the grey cells in my mind and force myself to want to agree with what you saying, unfortunately, I still cannot!

    Just explain this to me pls: Person A (of religion A), marries Person B(of religion B). A wants B to accompany him/ her to former's worship-place, but wouldn't want to return this gesture by visiting B's worship-place. Simple explanation given is that it's a religious sin! All right, agreed. A wants to bring up children strictly as per A's religion. Justification given is that this is a pre-marital condition .A had made this clear to B (just B, not his family and friends). In the whole scenario, I don't see A making any adjustments. It's only B (and B's family) who are expected to make adjustments.

    Now you think it's solely B's responsibility to explain to B's family the one-sided pre-marital conditions set by A. In all practicality, it didn't happen. Could be because B was either too deep in love with A (parents are secondary you see), or B was too scared of his parents..whatever the reason is. moreover, do you think it's an easy job? It's much tougher than falling in love with A.

    All the while, A is peaceful becoz A has not much hard work to do, compared to B. You see, because A has made it clear before marriage. So now, it's all B's headache.

    Even if you do a quick math from both sides, I don't see any contribution from A. Yet A thinks B and B's family are persistently wrong. If this isnt rigid, then what is?

    Marriage must be an equal relationship, isn't it? How about teaching children born from inter-religious relations, about both religions? That would be a win-win situation according to me rather than sticking one's tongue and saying 'you have to follow only my religion'. Which is more like a case of frog in the well.
     
    7 people like this.
  7. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,627
    Likes Received:
    1,636
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Bukbuk your writing always makes me laugh:) you do have a good writing style. You see it is not about being fair...because we humans beings are not fair! All religions do not follow the same philosophy...and people of the same religion do not understand their religion in the same way.

    Some take what is handed down as a literal interpretation and there can be no deviation from it. Others see it as a guideline but they like to expand on it, test it and then arrive at their own conclusion.

    I used to teach in a K class...and we had a book on religions around the world. One of my students who was just turning five asked me to read from it...he had a million and one questions. At the end of it he looks at me and said, 'I get it...there are so many languages because people in different places learned to talk and explain things to each other. Same way God decided that he had to be different in diffent places...because they had to understand what makes the world.' I have not heard a better explanation for God.

    Another extremely funny incident was right after Easter...two kids must have gone to Easter mass...here is the exchange..

    'hey, God died...that's what Easter is about.'
    'Yeah, and then God woke up...'
    'No, no God is dead.'
    'no God can't die'
    'no God is in heaven and to go to heaven you must be dead. And so god is dead.'

    My co teacher was a buddhist and I am a Hindu...neither of us knew enough about the entire background behind Easter except for the outlines...but we both enjoyed the exchange because it showed how the five year olds were processing what they'd heard, and were trying to come up with meaning in such an abstract concept. To me there're no right or wrong answers..,but someone else may not feel that way. I will teach my children about my traditions and religion and I expect my husband to do so about his...because as I said earlier, there are too many extremes in both our religions that we would want. What's in our control is how we approach our values with our kids...it is impossible to say what others should do...that is asking for a change in the way certain religious principles are written. We have the choice not follow them (like my husband's) but I don't know if we can tell others not to follow the same.

    How we analyze and interpret depends on what we seek from the greater concept. Of my inlaws, one is almost 'born again' and the other is strongly atheist...interestingly enough they go at each other all the time. But they never question us...maybe because we don't tell them how to live their lives either.

    And this is not always a conflict between Hindu/Christian or Hindu/Muslim either. Catholics are not considered 'christian' by non Catholics and even within Protestant divisions one will not accept another. My first introduction to this was in college where two people from differentn Protestant divisions wanted to get married...one family was fine but the other was a no go! And each division views only it's own path as the way to heaven...

    Poor Serene, I bet she is wondering what she let loose!
     
  8. ssm014

    ssm014 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,248
    Likes Received:
    1,424
    Trophy Points:
    290
    Gender:
    Female
    wow...a lot has been written...my 2 cents...

    I am jsut extending to what Bukbuk means is /....Any Marriage relation is an equal partnerhsip by 2 people...So its very UNFAIR or IMPRACTICAL to expect only 1 family or 1 spouse to do all the adjustment....!!

    This I am saying irrespective of Gender / Religion..

    Seeing Tugga, CJ and other examples....I am reiterating (AT GREAT RISK OF COUNTER ARGUMENTS) my other 'controversial' reply to Serene...that often non hindus often expect their spouses or future children to eventually convert or bring up their child in their particular religion only..
     
    5 people like this.
  9. ssm014

    ssm014 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,248
    Likes Received:
    1,424
    Trophy Points:
    290
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Tugga

    I have seen your earliesr posts and your challenges difficulties etc...and believe I have always empathised for you..(esp after reading the water incident...)

    But now seeing the things written ..blaming DH family only calling them interfering without having the heart to graciously accept and adjust their side, i dunno what to say,...

    If going to temple is sin, then isnt marrying a non believer (non catholic) bigger SIN???

    seems you want your cake and eat it too,,,

    sorry if this is rude..
     
    6 people like this.
  10. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    238
    Likes Received:
    138
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for the compliment about writing; but I know all of this ( what you trying to say above). You are a tad confused Teacher. Am not the one here getting beaten up by religions and trying to seek solace ;)

    Anyway, you've smartly brushed off my question above by saying 'human beings are not fair!' That's the best diplomat statement you could come up with - blaming it all on entire human race :)

    Since am allowed to interpret this the way I want, I will do it. Interpret this the way I want to ! Thanks
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page