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Care Of Old Parents In Dysfunctional Families

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Rihana, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    I am also using the friend as an example, so no offence or disrespect taken towards her.

    Her parents gave birth to her. That makes it their responsibility to feed, clothe and educate her enough to make her independent. They should make reasonable efforts towards this. Marrying her off at 17, a total innocent girl, having no clue about sex, married life, relationships, birth control, and no education to lean on if marriage fails. Maybe in such cases, the gold and plot can be considered as given in lieu of what the parents did not give her what was their moral duty to give her, having brought her into this world.

    In more normal families, I agree that children tend to use parents' support for higher education, going abroad, wedding etc, and then say parents should think ahead and plan etc.
     
    shravs3 and Topaz49 like this.
  3. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Did parents ever ask for her input?
    What is she holding, when the parents decided to do whatever they wanted on their own?
    Who knows, they were not fond of her; perhaps, they wanted to get rid off her by marrying her off at 17.
    She probably didn't even ask for anything and simply holding her responsible is very unfair.
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019
  4. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    If we consider gold and plot in Leau of deficiencies from parents , then why hold grudges .

    18 is legal age for marriage and education would have been +12 at that age, would that have drastically changed the outcome of her feelings towards parents if they had married her off at legal age.

    If we think children should not be held responsible for care of parents , then parents should never help anyone beyond 12 and better save for their own retirement. I am not sure how
    Many children would have a bright future in India if parents stop help at +12 level.
     
  5. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    wow what a thread. seeing this in real life. and i have no idea on what to advise.

    my neighbors are perfect example of dysfunctional . Husband is perfect house man, works in good company, does all the house work. ( he is a good friend on my H) so we know. Very nice dad. got 2 kids. Wife is a narcissistic person with severe anger issues. she shouts and fights for hours at random times in night late hours .

    their daughter is a close friend of mine kid. yesterday she was on the play date and sleep over. seeing my care towards my daughter and son. she started hugged me and started crying about how her mom always finds faults and supports her brother. mind you she is a honors student in North edison , schools are very hard.

    i could not know what to tell, ( went to my H and cried for a long time ).
     
  6. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    It is not about marrying her off at 17 or 18. That doesn't make much difference.

    They did not educate her enough to stand on her two feet. That was their responsibility. They discharged that responsibility by marrying her off, and giving the gold, plot is required, or who will marry her. So, they did only their bare minimum duty.

    In such case, if the daughter cares about parents, visits them, helps them, it is her generosity (not upbringing).

    IMO, if parents do the bare minimum, I do not expect the son/daughter to do anything for old parents beyond not being a burden on the parents.

    If parents do more than the bare minimum, then, it would be becoming of the child to help parents as much as he/she can, if needed making some sacrifices and compromises along the way.

    Parents have a responsibility to do certain minimum things for the children they chose to have. Children have the privilege and opportunity to take care of old parents.
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    "Very nice dad" and "perfect house man" would do more about the problem such as getting her professional help and separating if that doesn't make a difference in the wife.
     
  8. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Silver IL'ite

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    Dis-functionality exists to some degree in all families. My mother used to complain that her mother did not take care of her properly (used to go to our native village to look after some property related issues) and left the responsibility of the younger siblings to her. She was also pissed off at the constant influx of relatives from both her parents' sides. My father being the youngest in his family had shouldered most of the responsibilities, instead of the older siblings ! And that feeling trickled down to us (not to that extent though), but he was alway trying to make sure my brother had a fair ground to play on, which actually resulted in me getting benefitted. As for DH, I can say from my experience so far, he had a very difficult childhood, and he probably never got to vent out his difficulties to anyone. He sure got a lot of attention from MIL but he most certainly didn't have it easy. He had a soft spot for her, but that was it, all other emotions hardened. Some of her behavior was sickening to me though. Like trying to look like she was saving him a lot, while I was the spendthrift in the house. In my view her "savings" were actually not really savings. On the whole both his parents were not good. As for me, I am trying to be a good parent, but sometimes I feel I am doing really bad in that department. I wish I could make life much more enjoyable and memorable, especially for my older son and both of them in general. I try to avoid fights in the house, but I need to make a lot more effort towards the same.
     
  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell her they did her a huge favor. What would have happened if she had married the uncle? Cycle of abuse would have continued. It’s hard to forgive parents who do these things. Especially when you are capable of so much more than a mediocre life. Despite that, she carved out a niche for herself in the world. Her DH seems to have supported her. She should thank them for choosing this man and let it go. That’s the best she can do.
    Taking care etc, money sent from us will probably make up for physical taking care. I would urge her to take that route and make peace.
     
    satchitananda likes this.
  10. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    OTOH, there are such things as fetishes. We don't really know what lurks in the depths of people who could enjoy what the general public may deem abnormal. As in...
    Night late hours :blush:?! The perfect-house-man could be having a time of his life with his shouting, fighting, wife.

    “There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
    ― William Shakespeare, Hamlet
     
    hermitcrab and Sunshine04 like this.

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