Care Of Old Parents In Dysfunctional Families

@Topaz,@SunPa ,@sarvantaryamini ,@satchidananda - Thank you all for the kind words. They really really soothed me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I also said "probably" the right thing to do. You are absolutely correct and I agree - I myself cannot bring myself to blame my sister who has cut off all contacts with my dad in spite of living in the same city. I don't blame her at all for not wanting to do anything with my dad. She has her inner demons. Who knows whats going on in her mind and her struggles? I tried talking to her, but realized it is causing her more pain and anger. So I stopped - I am here for her if she needs me.
@SunPa - My irrational fear of being shunned by him is exactly that. Irrational. After reading a lot about Narcissist, I feel I can understand his behavior so much better. From his point of view (as with every narcissist), he is ALWAYS the victim. It doesn't matter who started the fight. Right From my childhood I have seen him twist every situation to make himself the victim - and he truly believes that too,so in his mind, that is the truth. There is no point in arguing with him because he simply IS incapable of seeing it any other way. I accept that fact . But I also cannot forget that he has never harmed me in anyway except the mental agony. He is really a good father. We have a normal dad daughter relationship- i ask him advice,he has waited hours for me in bus stops to pick me up if I was late,he has stood by me when I needed , gets worried when I am sick, loves my kids etc etc. So right now, I am ready to try and focus on his positives for mine and his sake.

 

Here is another Andhra guy's daughter wedding.
Janardhan Reddy’s spending on daughter’s wedding is as strategic as extravagant
As I was reading this interesting article, I could not begin to understand that how is this even possible?

 

Truly, I am very happy for you and I do think what you have done is remarkable.

If you truly believe that it is not children’s duty, then it may have nothing to do with demons; it may be simply what she believes as right or justified. Her choices are different for whatever the reason, but assuming the person has inner demons is passing a judgement.

Sorry to say this, but our beliefs reflects our thoughts.

 

This happened in 2016 .
I still remember, People were struggling with demonetisation and also heard that during this marriage workers were not paid properly as the notes were banned.

Very recent marriage was we all know the richest man’s daughters marriage.
Very soon his son is getting married in the same way

 

The cost of the wedding around Rs 550 crore with invitation alone is said to have cost an estimated Rs 5 crore.
Reddy is supposed to have made Rs 5,000 crore (the CBI’s conservative’s estimate) through iron ore mining in Bellary. Despite the majority of his property being confiscated, despite 40 months in an Andhra Pradesh jail for illegal mining among other charges (arrested twice in 2011 and 2015), he was able to spend 550 crores.
It is mind boggling that no one questions while all this is going on knowing his history. Where is CBI (like FBI in US)? He is only one among many; but, he is a big fish. When will things change?
He rented about 36 acres of land at the sprawling Bengaluru Palace for this week’s extravaganza. The set was a replica of the Vijayanagar kingdom, the mega-site of Hampi, complete with a temple dedicated to Vitthala, Shiva and Ganesha. The main wedding ceremony was held at an elaborate, seven-door set that is a replica of the famous Tirupati.
Brijesh Kalappa, Supreme Court advocate and legal advisor to Karnataka state government, says that Janardhan Reddy is probably not worried about coming under the authorities’ radar again due to this wedding. “The state government has no business taking wedding expenses into account,” he says.
Per one journalist, in Indian politics, the politician uses wedding as a place to forge bonds and show off their leader’s influence on people. The people actually like to hear details about such events and forget the rest.
Sorry, we are veering off the original subject. Perhaps this topic should have its own thread.

 

Winterhue,

This might seem to be a breakaway post, yet, is only derivative from the ongoing line of inquiry: responsibility of children in dysfunctional families.

The man you have known through the years as your father is a multitude of personalities, so is everyone. He acted upon as your father/care taker further to his base personality.

1. He is competent in his acquired role as a father.
2. He is inferior in his inherent role as a human.

The children who escape the conflict fostered by (1) good parent & (2) good human are rarely torn in their filial piety depending on their inclination and funding and any other nuclear diversification within their family setup. But in families like yours not proverbial dysfunctional but affectedly dysfunctional with (1) and (2) inconsistent, what should the children do?

Say, you are indebted to your cherished school and the first company to provide employment break. On settling in your life, you might donate thereupon out of gratitude to your alma mater and refer candidates for employment to that firm. If you lack the resources to honour such commitment later, you don't sell off your left arm to emphasize the gratitude. You might downshift the gesture to goodwill emails. Further, one day, if you read in paper about the malpractice in school or embezzlement in the firm, you might sharply withdraw your countenance. Why is it easier to renege our devotion from the school and firm but troubling to withdraw from parents? We reason of that 'human' element! I agree when Mr Botton says that the welter of our emotions and sentiments originate not from being civilized but from being conditioned. You feel a certain way because you have been exposed and conditioned to feel that way.

Children harboring naive realism often get carried away with universal morality wherein situational hazards are downplayed to accord with some 'being human' dictum though every moral system of sustainable humanism should accord with 'what it is that a conscious creature can sustain' rather than 'what it is that the creature is bludgeoned to sustain by organized morality'.

Being human is about reorienting our moral reprisal even about those inviolable principles of life.

In your evaluation, (1) topples (2), hence, you are still connected with your father.

In your sister's evaluation, (2) predominates over (1), so, she withdrew.

Depends on the weight assigned to each role by the children. Your sister could have reasoned that only a good human deserves subsequently any interactive goodwill.

Though the ongoing inquiry has been on the responsibility of children, if, I may, my curiosity is on the perception of observers of such conflicted children burdened by the contrived responsibility of taking care of parents. As an onlooker, in general, not pointedly to this instance, I would not glorify a child magnanimous for having sidled with (1) in a parent nor deprecate another child irresponsible for being uncooperative to the baser instincts (2) in a parent as our reasoning to withstand that parent in our life depends on our personal understanding and evaluation of their shifting appearances amidst the competing roles (good parent? lousy human? soft parent? hardened human?).

 

Bravo! It is easier to be philosophical; but, yours is a rare unvarnished critical analysis.

You took words out of my mouth; but, your post here exposes the bitter truth which is usually hard to swallow. If we have this kind of intellectual discussions rather than glossing over things, it is more meaningful in a public forum. No comments should be taken as personal attack.

In spite of winterhue's kindness towards her father, or being there for her sister, I was compelled to point out her comment "inner demons" which reflects her thoughts about her sister.

By accepting him, you have reaped the benefit of his love towards you and your kids. You ask for his advice and now he benefits you in a positive way. You find justification by your greater understanding towards him and ready to focus on his positives for your and his sake.

Heart in heart, you expect your sister to forgive and go past what happened to her. In its absence you believe that she has “inner demons”; yet, you write that you are there for her?

I am truly happy for you and still admire you.

 

@Novalis - That is simply the most jaw droppingly objective posts that I have ever seen . I probably may come back and read it again whenever I struggle. This is exactly my point of my response. Anyone taking care of their parents inspite of the parents being lousy humans may not be doing it because of a sense of righteousness . I dont think I have achieved that level of objectiveness in my own complex relationship with my parents to be able to figure out what the right answer is

@Topaz - Thanks again for the kind words. "Inner demons" to me, are your own struggles and conflicts. My use of the word was not to say that my sister had a demon hidden inside her. I used it in the context that "She has her own struggles. Her own conflicts. ". She probably feels guilt in the same way that I do. Again, PROBABLY. I have no idea what is going in her mind. By saying that she has her own inner demons, I am acknowledging that she is in no way obliged to forgive my father. I am 100% honest when I say that I do not expect her to forgive my dad. I am a firsthand witness of the emotional abuse she and mom suffered from my dad. Which is why I said, I am here for her IF she ever needs to talk - because I absolutely do not blame her or expect her to forgive my dad.

 

Wrong thread