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Can't Find A Way Out Of This Situation!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by teejay, Apr 27, 2017.

  1. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Can understand your concern and that of your husband and his siblings. It is not easy and extremely worrying to think of an elderly parent all alone, at risk and refusing to cooperate.

    Would it be possible to arrange for some middle aged, needy woman without any family responsibilities, say from the same village to come and live with your mil? It would be helpful for her also and you'll can be at ease about your mil too. Just loud thinking.
     
    yellowmango, sindmani and teejay like this.
  2. teejay

    teejay Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @Rihana for the pointers.I will keep this in mind while discussing the matter with dh & Sil.
    Thanks @Shanvy ,@dnormx01 and @satchitananda for your inputs.
    Right now we are exploring two options...a help who will stay with mil at least during the night or a family who can rent the outhouse we have in the same compound as our house where mil is living currently. This is not going to be easy because ours is a remote village, mil will not agree to non vegetarians,people from other religion or low caste (that is the way she is).my dh has a very limited vocabulary when it comes to our mother tongue which will make interacting with the locals /neighbours all the more difficult.We hope to have a solid arrangement in place when my elder Sil and family come down for summer vacation. We are all planning to sit down and come to an under standing/decision with Mil then.I am gathering pointers to put forward for the said discussion. Thank you all for giving me wonderful & practical inputs.
    To give you an idea,my Mil is not a malicious person at heart.she is just from a different generation with a different thought process that is very alien to me.she was the one who came to help me out for my delivery and took excellent care of me like my own mother (and I kinda feel obligated to her because of this).I share a good rapport with both my sisters in law.infact we used to be a team against my mil in many matters.my eldest Sil realised that mil was feeling singled out & unhappy.so she has toned it down a bit now.
    My dh knows that I am no wallflower and coercion/ threats/ultimatums will not work with me.but emotional blackmail is something that I am defenseless against. When he says things like ' I thought we were a team.if I cannot count on my wife to have my back& help me out who else can I count on' ,I find myself buckling.I hope to sort it out once and for all because if there comes a point where mil is sick and unable to travel,I will be in a tight spot. I feel my only way out is to find a decent job here asap(which is difficult considering I am unable to even attend interviews because there is no one who will take care of my kid for even an hour) so that I will not be the only person with less obligations compared to the others in this story.
     
    yellowmango, sindmani, Amica and 3 others like this.
  3. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @teejay i understand the situation. The emotional confusion that results in restless nights. What if guilts.

    Nobody is bad. We are all governed by our circumstances and priorities. We had to take a decision like this 12 yrs back. At that point it was like a emotional decision due to various factors and the biggest flaw in the plan was not bringing the rest of the siblings to pitch in.

    Today we have missed a lot as a family.lots of compromises. It is a hard journey for the ones involved. Missing important milestones, not being able
    To support each other during illness and the list can go on.


    The person for whom we do all this is never intentionally doing something to hurt us. They have their priorities so rigid that they refuse to be a little flexible and meet half way.

    The one who is not aware of the entire picture will label everyone.at the end of the day it is your family. Give some and take some and have a wonderful extended family relationship.

    All the best
     
    deepthyanoop, sindmani, Amica and 4 others like this.
  4. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    You have my respect for your maturity and understanding. I hope you find a way to resolve this issue without having to move to India. Good luck @teejay!
     
    ashima10, teejay and sindmani like this.
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op,while I appreciate your mil's wish to be independent despite her problem....this problem is mostly of her making.

    She is not a helpless sick woman.
    She has many options.
    1) Take her medicines as prescribed.
    2) Keep a maid or caretaker ......her problem of caste etc is again of her own making.
    3) She has three children and she can choose to stay with any or all.

    It is not surprising that inspite of having three children ,the one person easiest to spare is the dil.
    I believe a couple should not be separated unless there is absolutely no option.If parents need to be taken care of ...then they should be ready to move in with children ,specially if they live in a place where children cannot move to for various reasons.

    I could understan d if it was an illness that could be taken care of within a time frame and you could get back to your life after that. This is not the case here....how long do the siblings want you to stay with mil in the village....forever?

    I suggest you do not even entertain the idea of moving there.Instead insist on getting her to your place or sil's place.

    If your husband tries to emotionally blackmail you ...you do the same.Ask him how can he think of sending away his wife and child for an indefinite period like this.Ask him if he is ready for the strain it will cause on your marriage.

    Op...this is not a situation of an old helpless parent needing care.This is mostly a self created problem of your mil even if she is the best one around. Her need for independence is great but it should not come at the cost of your marriage.....which it will.

    If you go there...you will be filled with resentment not just against the situation but also against your husband and mil and about the missed life.
     
  6. teejay

    teejay Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @yellowmango .your response has given me a lot of clarity. I was feeling guilty for not volunteering to go and stay.(but not anymore). If I ever get branded as selfish and irresponsible because of this,then so be it. May be I am self centered enough to put my happiness above every thing else.I am also a selfish mom who wants to provide better educational facilities&life opportunities to my son.
    I was stumped when my elder Sil messaged me asking if any thing was wrong and mentioning that she was surprised by my refusal to go to Mil's aid especially when she was sick. I knew I should prep myself before the summer vacation so that I can clear up my stand in this situation.
    Once again thank you all for helping me.
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op..... Some points you need to stress on.

    1)It effects your marriage.
    2) It effects your job prospects hence your professional life which you had put on hold only for a while.
    3) Soon your child will have to go to playgroup / school so it effects your child's future.
    4) There in no time limit .


    Insist on the solution being...
    1) Mil shifting with one of her children or all in turns...as she feels comfortable.
    2)Mil stays in village and takes her medication as prescribed.You can check with the doctors for alternate medicine that does not make her drowsy.Mil keeps a maid or caretaker.

    No other option should be given.
    You inform them that you are preparing for taking up a job soon .

    You should have this discussion with your husband and convince him first.Then he should have this discussion with sisters before the family presents the options to mil. The hunt for the caretaker should begin much before the summer vacation meeting so that there is some viable option.

    If sil again questions you and sends you on a guilt trip .....tell her that her children are going to good schools in America....they have a good life there...and she wants your child to go to a village school.Remind her that even they have grown up in metros and not a remote village.

    If they say it is temporary and they will find some solution later....suggest that the 'later ' solution should be found now instead of ' ' 'dislocating and separating' a family.
     
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Also....be prepared for this turning into an issue with husband and sils.
    You may end up getting the bad dil badge .If you come out unscathed....consider yourself very lucky.
    Good luck and best wishes :)
     
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  9. teejay

    teejay Gold IL'ite

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    Sending virtual hugs and a lot of gratitude your way @yellowmango. I get the wisdom in what you are suggesting and will try to follow thru.hunt for a caretaker has already begun.we will probably explore substitute medicines too.but whether she will take them remains to be seen cos she doesn't believe in English medicines much and keeps trying ayurveda,sidha etc. The discussion is going to be biased I am sure.It could be '3 concerned kids' vs 'the dil'.my sil's husband is a level headed brotherly person.so he might be my only hope. Will update how it all turns out.
     
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  10. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Just talk to your husband and do not let him push you into corner. Stay put. And not knowing the language is a lame excuse @teejay. Being orthodox and all works only until you can manage after that you have no choices. It is so hard to convince them as they age. The tantrums that come our way, it leaves us frustrated.

    And ask him to clearly "talk" and not get brainwashed by the orthodox notion that is so etched in the dna of some families it is the responsibility of the son and not the daughters. Tell him that you cannot and will not comptomise on the welfare and quality of life you get as a family

    And stay out of the picture. Let them thrash it out even if you get the evil badge don't involve. the unwritten fact.. we fight, we bitch but we are siblings will be the card that will be used.

    Check out agencies, talk to people. Renting the outhouse looks a good option and find decent people as tenants
    Hope things fall into place without too much drama.
     

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