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Can't Find A Way Out Of This Situation!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by teejay, Apr 27, 2017.

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  1. Apr 27, 2017 #1
    teejay

    teejay Gold IL'ite

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    I am a 35 year old married for 7 yrs and a SAHM to toddler.I was working in a top IT MNC and quit my job post my arranged marriage because long distance relation ship was not really working out for me. My late FIL was in the army and he passed away around the time of my marriage.My husband was brought up in a metro city.But post retirement my in-laws decided to shift to their native village.Mil stays there alone since my Fil's demise. She has army pension and some property there. She is fiercely independent and quite stubborn. She gets seizure attacks occasionally because of an accident almost 20 yrs ago.she is supposed to take medications life long but she has reduced it's dosage to half by herself cos they make her very drowsy. Since past December,she has had seizures twice.she refuses to listen to us when we ask her to take correct dosage on time.she refuses to come stay with us in middle east or with any of my Sils( one is in the US and the other is in India). My Sil in US feels I should go stay with her ( at least when she is sick).I am not happy with this solution.My reasons are:
    I quit my high paying job to live with my husband.
    My kid needs his dad around.not some one who he will get to see only for one month a year .
    In law's place is really remote.there is no job prospect,no decent net connection where I can look for jobs or take courses online,nothing much happens there except for temples & festivals(I rarely visit temples and am not very religious )
    I don't have any thing in common with the people around there who talk only about soap operas in TV and about god.
    We are trying to find a maid who will stay with her.but since we are not familiar with the place/people,we haven't been successful so far.(husband has never lived there except for the week long vacations we take )
    Since I see my husband worry,I offered to shift back to India with our son.but my condition is that I will move to a metro and find a job.mil can move in with me.but we don't think mil will agree to this also.
    I feel it is unreasonable to expect me to move to that place with mil .since I am willing to make adjustments in my life,it is only fair that she meets me half way.
    But mil will only say don't worry about me.I will be OK.
    I am so scared of the prospect of shifting to the native place that I am having sleepless nights.is there a way out in this situation? Or am I being unreasonable?
     
    teejay, Apr 27, 2017
    teejay, Apr 27, 2017
    #1
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  2. Apr 27, 2017 #2
    ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    It's quite a complicated situation.

    If u move to the village, u will be miserable. R they expecting ur hubby to b in one location, u to b in one n ur kid in one like a good residential school bcoz remote locations r not gona hav d school's u wud want.

    If she can move out of her village n live like d option u gave (different city wer u can get a job), she can as well live with ur sil who's living in india.

    It's not fair to expect u to move n live in a place wer even ur hubby has been jus for Vacations. N how long r u expected to stay? How will u know wen she will b sick? Ur sil's decision is not practical. How long will u b away from ur hubby n keep d kid away from d father? U hav sacrificed ur career to live as a family.

    Solutions:

    I know of families who hav migrated due to old age parents, move like that if at all ur hubby is dat concerned abt her. But if she still refuses to move out of her village, wat will u do?

    If ur sil is talkin abt someone being der wenever she gets sick, say all 3 of u will take turns (u n ur 2 sils). If they r working, they can take leave n go. It's their mother after all, dey also have responsibilities.

    Regarding a care giver, find d closest town or city from dat village n contact maid / helpers agency. I n my friends have had some good experiences with these agencies n hav heard of complaints too. So dats der. But u can get someone to stay over n u can offer a good salary. Dese agencies can b very helpful wen u r not able to find anyone by urselves.

    I wud suggest, dat d first thing that u do is make ur mil visit a doctor, explain d whole situation abt she takin only half d dosage due to the drowsiness n get d tablet changed. Visit another doctor if this one doesn't work. Medical science has changed so much. Even a normal cough syrup which used to put us to sleep d nex second has other variations which doesn't make us drowsy at all. So work on that first.
     
    ashneys, Apr 27, 2017
    ashneys, Apr 27, 2017
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  3. Apr 27, 2017 #3
    teejay

    teejay Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for replying @ashneys.we took her to the doctor in 2013 when she had an attack and we got to know that she stopped taking the meds alrogether.I cancelled my return tickets and stayed with her for 3 more weeks..got eeg and other tests done after which doc asked her to continue the same dosage she was taking. She saw another doc again last December.the doc also asked her to continue the same meds with same dosage and suggested her to not stay alone. We are trying to contact agencies and find if they will provide maids to remote areas . fingers crossed.
    My eldest Sil,the one in US, cannot come since her kids cannot miss school.
    The younger one in India is single.but not sure if she can take leave longer than couple of weeks. Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond
     
    teejay, Apr 27, 2017
    teejay, Apr 27, 2017
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  4. Apr 27, 2017 #4
    joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    @teejay,
    I can understand your anxiety in not wanting to shift to such a remote location, disrupting your life with your kid,husband. If at all there is an option, you can all move over to India, which would ease the situation for your MIL. However, only you moving with kid - to a place where you will not be able to work etc is surely too much to ask for and you are not unreasonable in not being comfortable with this.
    Even if arranging a maid is possible, it is not always safe when there is no one else to supervise their activities. It would be best in the situation that your MIL adjusts by being near to her other daughter locally. Or, on the other hand, move in with you to a place you may choose as convenient for both yourself and your child.
     
    joylokhi, Apr 27, 2017
    joylokhi, Apr 27, 2017
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  5. Apr 27, 2017 #5
    teejay

    teejay Gold IL'ite

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    @joylokhi
    Thank you so much for your time. We are looking for opportunities back in India for my husband.but such things might take time.even if we move,we are not sure if MIl will be ready to move away from her place.we are planning to discuss it with her if we get a decent opportunity. You are right about the safety issue too.most of the times mil shuts down any discussion saying I am fine.don't worry about me.
     
    teejay, Apr 27, 2017
    teejay, Apr 27, 2017
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  6. Apr 27, 2017 #6
    Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    you are nice to care for ur mil.why can't she stay with ur Indian SIL
     
    Sunshine04, Apr 27, 2017
    Sunshine04, Apr 27, 2017
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  7. Apr 27, 2017 #7
    teejay

    teejay Gold IL'ite

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    @Sunshine04
    I must be honest.my concern is more for my husband who at times wakes up at odd hours in the night worrying about his seizure prone sixty something mother being alone with out any help around. I think my mil doesn't want to move in with anyone because she likes her independence.after years of bringing up kids,taking care of sick mil ,mom and husband,she is finally free to do what she wants and is not answerable to anyone.she is at a point where there is no liability -financial or otherwise
     
    teejay, Apr 27, 2017
    teejay, Apr 27, 2017
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  8. Apr 27, 2017 #8
    BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree, why is this not an option, especially since this SIL is single?
     
    BhumiBabe, Apr 27, 2017
    BhumiBabe, Apr 27, 2017
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  9. Apr 27, 2017 #9
    ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I had the same feeling abt ur mil. Some people just love the privacy and she may jus want to be left alone. Or else she could easily chose any one out of the 3 to stay with. Esp the sil whos still single who is in the same country.

    You or ur hubby must speak of all the options u r looking at to check if shes actually ok with anything.
    First, is she gona be ok with u n ur kid moving in with her to the village on a longer basis.
    Second, If u move to another city in india with ur child n get a job, as u mentioned, n say she agrees, isnt she gona be stuck taking care of a child. She would still have to supervise even if u hire a full time nanny. That mite not b ok with a person who wants to be free.
    Third, if shes open to moving only within the country, ur sil is the best choice. It will be like they both r there for each other.
    Fourth, will she really change her mind if u move to india as a whole family n come live with u guys.

    Any effort or ideas or plans that u r making is not gona make a difference if shes not gona b ok with it.
     
    ashneys, Apr 27, 2017
    ashneys, Apr 27, 2017
    #9
  10. Apr 27, 2017 #10
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't do that. Even if MIL agrees and moves to a metro to live with you, she can suddenly change her mind any time and go back to native place. You will then be left high and dry. When children are young, breaking up the family and living apart has to happen for a very strong reason. An old parent who refuses to take correct dosage of medicine, refuses to live with any child, and who repeatedly says she is fine and asks to be left alone, is not a strong enough reason.

    This is primarily your husband's problem. Your job is to support him as much as you can. There are so many possible solutions. You, your DH, your US SIL and your India SIL can take turns going and staying with your MIL for a few weeks each.
     
    Rihana, Apr 27, 2017
    Rihana, Apr 27, 2017
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