Cannot Feel Love Towards My Mother. Am I Wrong? If Yes, What Should I Do?

Acceptance is the only key that works in this kind of relationship. Accept your mom as who she is. Do not confuse with the media and poetic roles of mothers and their unconditional love with your own mom.
In fact, your mom is yet another human being. She might have her own set of fears, insecurities, hatred, stress and what not.
It is human to err and your mother is no exception.

It is very sad that you were unloved and discriminated when you were young. Those memories will never fade away.
But, you can make a choice now, based on what you want.

1) Do you want to feel sad by reliving those sad past? Avoiding your mom will eventually lead there.
Because, the way you support her and considering her needs shows the kind of heart you have. Some people can never be rude.
I, for one can never hate or be rude with anyone. Even though I am angry, and show my hatred loudly, I will feel sympathy for them when they are in dark. I can't leave them to suffer before me.
Of course their evil acts and the suffering comes before my eyes every now and then. But I feel immensely calm and happy to support them. It helps to move on from the bitter past.

The bitter experience are not always bad. They are good in the sense, they give you lessons. These trials make you stronger and also gives you some protection from further damage.
In your case, you might try to be cordial with your mom as she wishes. I am sure it gives you some satisfaction. This satisfaction for sure helps you to cool down.
But I understand your fear. If you are confident in your self that you have emerged as a strong woman now, go ahead.
No one can hurt you unless you allow them to do so.
Place your past and experience as a protection. These lessons can always guide you when the waves are rough.

Your mother will remain the same. But it doesn't mean you are also the same innocent/dependent teen.
As a strong women with a history of past bitterness, I am sure you can handle your mom towards the right path.

It is a power game my dear. Earlier you were her dependent, and you looked upto her. She abused you.
Now that, the roles have switched. She is looking up to you. Be the bigger person.

 

Hmm, rather than telling, you should discern by observing the people around you. Dysfunctional families, dysfunctional friends, dysfunctional neighbourhood, dysfunctional workplaces are not too uncommon.

However, few remain unscathed or recover quicker whereas others are stuck in the rut. I don't want to suffocate you with evolutionary psychology or high-toned biosociological literature on how to approach life but you need to observe the world around you to figure out such things. What works for one might not work for another.

The general guidelines:

(1) Don't over-dramatise life.
(2) Don't over-complicate life.
(2) There is another problem behind the one you are solving.
(3) Once you solve that, another one will form.
(4) Enjoy solving, fixing these riddles of life rather than develop anxiety or vexation over these contretemps.

These are woozy guidelines to reboot your life. Keeping aside the neurobiological depression and the medication you are on, you can still work on your outlook and approach towards your life in parallel. I presume you are in your 20s, of course, age is vital. This is the age not to move out of the house but move out of cities and countries (you mentioned onsite somewhere) and explore life. Meet people, meet, meet, meet, be choosy whom you stick with, meet and meet people, learn, be inspired, be provoked by people. 20s though is post-formative years you still have time to mold your personality into something that will give you less grief and more content in life. As I am typing to you, there are people out there who are doing this ...in and out of problems, relationships, chaos, they are doing it. You have to think and observe and learn what is it about the same situation which is handled different by different people. Observe and learn. To emphasise, this is adjunct to your medically diagnosed issue. I am just responding to your “I wish someone could tell me how to wipe clean and restart”. People undertake such “reboots” more frequently than you realise. 20s is critical, you better be with people, things, aspirations, discovery, tuning that matter to you. A lot of things you are besieged with now may seem inconsequential when you travel and meet people and your perspectives on life are challenged. Find people and friends who are critical of your behaviour rather than indulgent. Such associations will come a long way in life. Good luck.

 

@ShabnamF

Your mother has also gone through alot ...... By any chance your mother is in depression too???? .....if so , do arrange a counselor for her to talk too .. At the end she is a human being who have survived without much support ...

 

@shabanamF- I am sorry that you are going through this. You are not alone. A lot of us grew up with a narcissistic parent. The key is to recognize that you are being abused and try to get out of it. Thanks to my dad, he did it for me. I am eternally grateful for that.

I urge you to take the first step to leaving your house. You will feel a big burden being lifted off you. I didn't read other comments, I am going to share my story-



Over 15 years ago, I was in the same boat as you are. I was depressed, I hated my mom and I hated that I was forced to live with her. I was barely out of high school. Like the article talks about a Narcissistic mother- I recognize every aspect of my mother to be narcissistic. She has always been self-centered throughout our childhood, she didn't raise us, we were left in the hands of my grandparents and several aunts. My mother never took a min to know what our favorite toy/ color was- “she heard stories about me from her siblings and had her own idea of me. Without spending a minute with me.”

She gave utmost importance to her career, we had nannies, maids, a lot of money to compensate for “her time”.


For her to feel that she is doing her motherly duties right- my mother would be very controlling in her nature, she had the final say in our upbringing my father was asked to step down. He only had to do what my mother told him to do. My mother called all the shots.


Whenever her guilt took over her, that she isn't spending time with her children- she would take away our toys, hide them and force us to spend time with her. If we fussed, she is short-tempered women, who would discipline us in public.


I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends in my 10th grade, we were only allowed if they came home, if we had to go to movies, shopping it was a BIG NO. ( she wanted me to go shopping or movies or restaurant ONLY when I started to make earn because that’s how she was raised)

She wanted me to go to restaurants with friends and not eat, I started to never make friends, coz its hard to do everything that she decided for me.


I went to top notch private school, where my classmates were kids of pilot, politicians. Where I would be teased if I go to restaurants and not eat. I even heard my mother's theory she said, “you are raised in a wealthy household, where you have a roof and food to come home to, which not a lot of street kids get, I want you to know how it feels to be the street kid” I definitely was considered street kid in my school. Kids at school can smell what other kid is going through and I was bullied.

When I wanted to have a conversation of being bullied, my mom’s first sentence “ I spend a lot of money for you to go to top notch school, you want to sit and talk about your feelings?, Be an adult and deal with it”. I was barely 14 and in my moms head I was an adult already. Basically, she didn't have the time to even listen to me.


Anyways long story short--My dad recognized that I was depressed, controlled not allowed to have friends in my social circle. He got me to go to a boarding school in my 11th &12th.

This gave me a lot of perspective about my mom. I grew up to be a different person than how she had raised me.


I never went back home to live with my mom again. I did my degree in boarding college. I came to the US. I am happy to be away from her, go home on vacations ( few months on summer holidays). My mother hates me for this- she and my sister grew to be a lot closer and now she always uses my sister to show favoritism.


This whole time- I have been on and off seeing a therapist for some of the deep seeded behavioral issues that I have, one of them is social anxiety and I have come to analyze why my mom is self-centered. I will share my perspective--


My mother comes from a big band of sisters & brothers. I have seen my aunts being narcissistic too.

• Because my grandparents couldn't give enough attention, care to my mother or to her sibling. It made them be narcissistic, to take control over their life. They had to fight for attention, to show off how brainy, or control their sibling so they get their work done.
  
  
• My mom can't empathize at all- She never learned how to, because nobody understood her or gave a chance for her feelings, she justs don't know how to care coz nobody cared about her. Her father showed me the result and I will praise you “behind your back” kinda guy.
  
  
• All my successful aunts/ uncles are narcissistic, they give importance to themselves, their agenda, what they want in the family structure. My mom feels “if I don't give importance to my needs, who will”? This kind of attitude shows that she never trusted my dad or anyone but herself. Even though she has made quite a bit of mistake in her life- she never admits, she is always right and there is no way anyone can say she could have done it better.
  

• They are right and nobody says they are wrong-- because they get acknowledged from their siblings. My aunts and my mom have a pact- if one of their children seems to be doing something out of the norm- everyone “all aunts” jumps into advice this “lone” child. I call this public humiliation. Example--There are ground rules in my house- if I don't follow it, my mother whines about how I am not able to follow these rules to her sisters. During a playdate or a Saturday visit ( every Saturday of the week is sibling day in my family), I get bashed by my aunts how I am worrying my mother, how I should do this, do that.
  My mother doesn't say a word to me- what I did wrong or how I should correct or what I should do next. There is no communication from her- I didn't even know that something that bothered her until that Saturday. This didn't just happen to me, it happens to every cousin and the worse part is it is still happening to some of my younger cousins. This kind of aunts teaching is the norm in my family.
• My mom relates to everything to only what she went through- As she has crowned herself that she is the best. She doesn't want to stand in my shoes and understand what I am going through- She just can't. Either she tries to tell me how I can be better, how I can do things differently, or blame me for being in a situation where she is forced to give a solution ( although this is not the intent of the conversation).
  

My mom is a good person, she never thinks ill about anyone, she is a successful professional, well connected, very ambitious, very confident about any task ( after my father passing, she single handily did so much alone in consolidating properties without anyone's help, if it was my MIL she would be huddled in a corner and expect her brother or my husband to run the household). She is about to retire, who does loads of charity, very open minded, she is always helping someone- Unfortunately she is not a great mother, especially to me. If I had stayed under the same roof- I would have committed suicide ( God's honest truth).

 

@blindpup10 hugs and cheers for becoming you.

 

Its takes years and years to sooth yourself and come to an understanding of who you are and how to move forward from parental abuse. I seriously suggest you think about yourself as selfishly as possible. Recovering from a narcissistic parent is not easy.
Because no matter what- I feel love for my mother and guilt that I somehow escaped and my sister got stuck. These are very complex emotions and can have a long-lasting effect on a person, on their marriage, identity, how you make friends, how you choose your partner or where you are in your life and how you raise your child, how you see yourself.

When my father passed, I helping my through some official stuff and I opened her cupboard and guess what I found tons and tons of our toys locked up- disintegrating. I had a walking and talking doll, I had barbies, I had automatic toy trains. Let's not forget this is in early 90's, this kind of toys were considered as a luxury.
It just brought tears and awful memories. I was the most envied child in the playground, among cousins, among friends, among aunts. Everyone thought I had it all---- DID I really, though?
I question myself sometimes.

I had nothing, I was given nothing but awful pain and hurt.

Brace yourself and get out of the house, your mother might not even be aware of her toxic nature. Even you being depressed could be from growing up in a controlled toxic environment.

 

@blindpup10 I strongly believe looking for yourself is not selfish, when the one person who is touted as epitome of selfless, unconditional love is clueless to your suffering. Sometimes it is those on your face moments like the toys in the cupboard moments that erase that guilt. I hope your sister coped better. Can't imagine how a little need fir love, understanding and appreciation can turn a whole family into this.

@ShabnamF you need to heal. You need to break this chain. Many a time depression and other related issues can be hereditary as i asked you earlier.

Nobody can help you unless you want to be helped, and no better person to help you than yourself...

 

Oh Sweety. Thanks. Just wanted to share my story and my perspective about why I think my mom is narcissistic.
It's not my mom's fault. In large perspective- We are all damaged. We just should be aware of our damage and try to be a better person.
I know it's not my fault, that I couldn't save my sister. It's just a regret. Because where I am in life- my sister will be my only family one day. As selfish as it sounds- My son, will grow up in this world not knowing anyone but his parents.
My 2 cents- don't worry about your parent's old age or no one at home or her reaction. When my dad stood up for me saying "he has decided to get me to a boarding school"- My mom didn't talk to my dad for months.
Expect an initial rage, withholding of affection, badmouthing you in the family circle.
Try to slowly get detached.
Get projects outside your hometown and slowly make the transition to move away.
Get yourself into matrimony website or date someone.
The key is to think exactly like a narcissistic person "if I don't give importance to my needs, who will”?

Yes, you are right. I have waded through my guilt, my love, my hate, I see my future (in my child & my family).
For years I was stuck ( maybe I still am) about my toys. That's something that I am not able to get over.

Even now my squabbles with my mom goes on. It doesn't ruin my day or my sleep.
2 years ago- she told me "Did you get pregnant asking me? Then, I am not helping you". I had several complications during my pregnancy and very hard time during my postpartum, I pulled through. I am here because of me, because of my husband.
She is a saint, in front of her sisters and everyone outside the 4 walls. People won't believe me if I go tell this to her sisters- but the sad truth is they believe her version. Even if I tell anyone, my mom always has her reasons to pacify herself. She never feels guilt or apologize and browbeats anyone in making them accept her reasoning.

Anyway-- Thanks for the support, thanks for understanding and not making me feel its all in my head or trying to explain from her prespective ( I get her band of sisters doing it for her).