Can Someone Shed Some Light ?

Married for 7 years with kids. Since marriage me and my husband never bonded very well. We lived in a joint family, where I need to co-exist with my husband’s parent and his brother’s family.

I have had a rough start from the beginning. We were never allowed to spend any time together. For some reason my husband felt so guilty to come out anywhere alone without his mom. So all our initial year outings and doing were accompanied by his mother.

In spite of repeatedly telling that I need to bond with him, the situation remained the same till first 3 years. When situation continued, I finally broke out. It ended up in a big fight with his mother without his presence. This caused our first separation for about 4 months.

Then I changed myself to be more accommodative with his family as I felt that is the only way to get him closer to me. Also that time I was very vulnerable with my babies. So I ended up spending all my time with his family and their abnormal demands.

It was the same time, my brother in law got married and co-sister came in. There were many misunderstanding between (obviously created by his mother) us due to comparisons on how we handle things.

Due to a job offer, my husband had to leave me alone on his place and move to a new country. I agreed to stay with his family because of my kid schooling. Also I had to resign my well paying job due to his absence on child support. During that time, me and co-sister developed a friendly relationship and our topic of conversation would mostly be our home.

Also that time, my mother-in-law had to visit one of her other son’s home aboard. With all the little kids at home and have none to speak, I gradually restored to the only friendship I had –which is my co-sister. My mother in law came back in three months and we are no longer the same daughter in law she left us to be.

We tried to take active participation in house hold activities and finances which was earlier on our mother in law control. Sensing that she is losing her power, she started to complain about us to her sons. The minimal contact I had with my husband also vanished. He would call his mom everyday to support when I was left all alone on his home with two kids.

This continued for about 8 months. During this period they forced me to move out of their home as I was still talking to my co-sister. I persisted because of my kid’s school. And when I didn’t get any support from my husband, I eventually left the place and settled at my mother’s home.

My husband told me that he cannot take me to the place he works due to some visa problems. I don’t know what the real situation was. My husband would not discuss any family matters to me, would hide everything that happens there and would offer no support emotionally. Financially he did provide for kids.

When I am totally made to feel stranger in his family, I slowly started to with draw from his family as well. But I still continued to talk with co-sister and vent my frustrations with her. It was one emotional support that helped me to cope up the betrayal I faced that time.

I stopped visiting his family altogether after a point. Then my husband started to fight that I am not meeting his parents or letting my kids with his parents. I told him repeatedly that his family treated me like **** and he denied everything I said. In the mean time, his father created a huge scene at front of my home , my husband threatened with divorce, my brother in law hacked my email to send unwanted emails and tamper my image….all these harassment continued for about 2 years.

There are literally no communication or whatsoever between me and my husband for about a year. Finally we reconciled when he agreed to take me to his place. I was happy that I can finally move away from the toxic environment. I also stopped talking to any of his family members including co-sister.

After I move with my husband’s place, still the problem continued. I was forced every week to continue to talk to my mother in law. At that time, even the mere voice of my mother in law to get me to severe depression.

I would yell at my husband for dumping me on his parent’s house and let me handle all the problems on my own. But he still continued to have skype call with his parents each week and show kids. I told him, that hearing his parents voice only brings back the haunted memories which I am desperately trying to let go from my mind.

He continued this inspite of our repeated arguments. Again he forced me to come back to our homeland to spend our holidays. I told time, it was only few months since I moved in and it is not a great idea to visit our country again as it would lead more fights since none of the problems are resolved between us.

He didn’t listen. He took me to his home again. I put up with that and maintained complete silence during the short visit. Then after few hours, I left. During this visit, I didn’t speak to his family. His parents created this as a huge problem. And my husband left me at my parent’s home again.

I had to find schools for my kids and had to literally build myself again after his abandonment. I stopped any form of communication to him again. Also I started going to depression again. After about 6 months, he again initiated contact telling that he won’t video call his every week or nor bring his family in between us anymore. I trusted and went again to his place.

We had a hell of time to change kids school again. It has been more than 8 months or so since we moved. In this period, I am diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I have right now in medication and counseling. I really don’t know whether this is a mistake or not!

Even during this time, my husband had no empathy for my well-being and continued to hide things from me. It’s like living in my home where I had literally no access beyond kitchen and bedroom. I am completely packed out of what’s happening in his life.

In this period, he once found out that me and my co-sister talked to each other. It was a normal call and I didn’t resist the call mainly because I don’t find it anything wrong. He threatened that he would break my phone and laptop if I keep talking to his family members. And I have no right to question about his money or anything related to his family.

I did react badly for this fight which took even bigger toll on my health. He feels me and my co-sister are talking to each other and harassing his mother. Except for the emotional support we get by being treated in the same way by this family, we don’t even go near that lady any more. But I can’t change him to see this.

After that last fight, I have come to my home country again because of kids school vacation (I didn’t ask but he sent me home forcefully as he wanted to have breathing time). I told him clearly that I can’t handle another drama with this depression treatment and all. But he didn’t listen as usual.

I am staying here for couple of months. He also took a three week vacation and has come down here to spend time with his family. He asked me if I want to join a vacation with him and his parents. I said, I don’t want to interfere in his family matters any more as this was the crux of our last fight.

There after no communication from him after that. He has gone out for an week trip with his mom and dad. I don’t know where he went or what he did. After the vacation, he came home and took our kids to his place as well.

I am right now in place where I feel so much emotional pain and can’t seem to get a hold on my thoughts and emotions. Is there anything else should I do from my end to make this marriage work, before I throw in the towel and move on?

By the way, I held a very good job before the kids. I had to quit the job because of no support from him. After quitting the job, to divert myself, I started an business so I can work and take of my kids from home. This has grown to be a successful venture and I earn far better than my previous job. So financially I am secure.

So I end up asking what am I doing in this marriage that breaks me mentally and physically??? I have already distanced myself from many of my family members, should I stop talking with my co-sister as well? It’s not even like I talk with her every day. She very rarely calls me [ I stopped calling any one for anything]..should I stop responding to her ? In fact, I feel deep down know that even then there won’t be any change in this relationship…

Right now I am in the process of completely disengaging emotionally from him as it has started to affect my health profoundly. I have no interest to even go along to live with him in another country. But my kids education would again suffer. Can some one kindly shed some light on what you would ideally do on this position?