1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Can one marry again after losing wife?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by indudeepak, Jan 29, 2012.

Page 4 of 12
  1. Jan 31, 2012 #31
    kylie

    kylie Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    629
    Likes Received:
    674
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    dear deepak,

    Very sorry to hear about Indu - my condolences. May Indu find everlasting peace. My prayers for u n yr babies. Time will heal everything.

    Regarding yr babies - I am sure u wud be able to bring them up n give them the love that Indu wud have.

    Babies need utmost care 24/7 for the first 3 years. After that it becomes slightly easy - they join their playschools n later formal schools. Till that time u need to think of a solution. Yr babies r already 4 months old, so at about 6 months you can think of day care centres in case u dont find anyone fm yr family to look after them. We now have quite a few good daycare centres in Bangalore - "Yr Kids r our Kids" is a good daycare centre on Bannerghatta Road [close to dairy circle n right next to IBM]. It is best to keep yr daughters with u - they r Indu's gift. Time flies n in no time u will see them grow into beautiful, young women just like their mom.

    Remarriage may not be the ultimate solution - the new mother may not accept them fully. Even a widow/divorcee might be biased towards her own child which is just human. It may also not be right on yr part to marry someone just to look after yr kids. I dont think it wud be easy for u to forget Indu [as u mention] and u may end up comparing yr second wife with her very often, which may not be a healthy thing to do in a marriage. Ofcourse, it wud be great if u find someone who loves the kids n also understands yr emotions.

    Hope u r able to take the best decision for yr daughters.

    regards,
    Kylie
     
    kylie, Jan 31, 2012
    kylie, Jan 31, 2012
    #31
  2. Jan 31, 2012 #32
    flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,921
    Likes Received:
    2,474
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Saw your cute twins just now ,both are looking good and well cared for(touchwood)! Their granny and aunts are doing a good job . They are not looking neglected, both appear identical!
    Your Mom could be thinking of allowing SIL to take one baby so that she does not have to look after both, can understand her too.
    Both babies are so sweet like their Mom!
    Please shift to Chennai if possible and live with your family so that the kids continue being well cared for.A maid would solve most problems.
     
    flowerlady, Jan 31, 2012
    flowerlady, Jan 31, 2012
    #32
    3 people like this.
  3. Jan 31, 2012 #33
    Megalife

    Megalife Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,731
    Likes Received:
    2,535
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Friend
    The pain you have gone thru and the pain you live through is evident in your post; RIP Indu, you left this world a rosier place with these two priceless gems! The cherished memories which Indu left behing should be your strength to move forward in life. My fellow ILs have given you some sound advice, all I will do is share a real life incident if that might motivate you to some extent. Remember, Indu wishes to see you a complete father to these babies.
    We have a family friend's friend who went through exactly the same situation as yours. Permit me to elaborate. The mother passed away at childbirth, leaving 2 cute little girls. It was a c-section.This guy didn't want to remarry, but since he was living in a foreign land he had no one to help him out with the kids. Finally, good friends suggested a girl who was kind of a late marriage, she must have been around 34, a MBA (fin). Dowry, her mediocre looks had kept her waiting for the right person....which went on till she was 33/34.Both of them are northies (but 2 diff. states). The first time I met them I was so sweptoff the feet by these two bubbly gals...adorable is not the word. Before I got to meet them, I had heard from other friends something about re-marriage etc. I wasn't too clear on the details. They were full of cheer and laughter; like two moving Barbie dolls. They constantly took turns hiding their faces in the mother's lap while palying hide and seek. Both wanted to be fed by the mother...blah...blah One showed off her skill in art and another in rhymes. I asked them who taught you all this, to which pat comes a chorus reply "mama", our father is a boodoos, doesn't know anything except computers. I hated that man thinking that she is the real mother and he had remarried her. I hated him for being so indifferent, and the kids warming up to only the mother. I was amazed when I knew it was the other way around.
    Later my friend told me that the life of this wonderful women revolved aroung these kids. She told me the things what she does for them, she is like all over them. I met them on several other occassions, always as a family of four.The kids may not be remembering their real mother except thru snaps, but they are loving every minute they spent with this mother, which is clearly written on their faces. They have been enrolled in the school which my kids attend. Come rain, sun or shine, this women is always before time at the busstop, she discusses with my maid on kids goodies, milk shakes to supplement their B/f, tiffin. What more could the man ask for. When they are together I see both their eyes attentive on the kids rather than themselves.

    Back to your kids friend, pls. do not give them away for adoption and just disappear. Think of those days ahead when you will have two young-pretty-ladies bossing you around (replicas of indu), bullying you and making your life complete like never before. You will feel rewarded, time and love heals the deepest of wounds.
    Wishing you wonderful days ahead.
    Mega
     
    Megalife, Jan 31, 2012
    Megalife, Jan 31, 2012
    #33
    8 people like this.
  4. Jan 31, 2012 #34
    indudeepak

    indudeepak Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    16
    Trophy Points:
    25
    Gender:
    Female
    Shanvy, yes we have named them. Me and Indu had discussed three names on the first day of her admission before interruptions from nurse stopped that.
    I have selected two of those names - Deeksha and Anchal. Although my father was not very happy that I am naming them without consulting them, I did talk to them in detail and convinced them. Infact a few days after her death Indu was talking to me in dream over phone. And I asked her a name for the babies, she said "Deeksha", I didn't hear properly so asked again. She shouted at the other end "I told you know, Deeksha, Deeksha". Asked her a name for second one and she said select one of the remaining or anything. Dont remember exactly but have written in my dream journal.

    I keep a journal for my dreams involving Indu. Infact I am trying hard for lucid dreaming or OBE so that can connect with her.

    I have even added her name to the babies instead of mine as initials.

    also when you say do not separate them, you mean I should not let my SIL take the younger one with her for one month?
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2012
    indudeepak, Jan 31, 2012
    indudeepak, Jan 31, 2012
    #34
  5. Jan 31, 2012 #35
    indudeepak

    indudeepak Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    16
    Trophy Points:
    25
    Gender:
    Female
    No no, none are neglected. Thats not what I meant. Mom does the massaging etc for both. Feeds the older one timely and gives her a lot of love. Its just that she can't compete with SIL in dressing her or makeup like its done for younger one. Often when I visit I can spot the difference in dressing immediately but once there I ensure that I put on similar clothes etc on older one too. This is not a big deal, mom is doing abs fabulous job again (after taking care of us).
    But as a father I notice even a tiny little favour to a single kid. But all my bros and other SIL are quite the same with both. I hear from them too the biased nature of my SIL. But thats not making a diff in their upbringing at the moment. Only superficial impact.
     
    indudeepak, Jan 31, 2012
    indudeepak, Jan 31, 2012
    #35
  6. Jan 31, 2012 #36
    Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    23,659
    Likes Received:
    27,218
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    Oh deepak, i definitely mean not separating them both that too for one month would be too harsh on them. giving the baby their mom's initials is a good gesture..but the indian system needs the father's too. btw beautiful names.

    deepak, i understand the phase you are going through. do you think lucid dreaming or obe is going to really be able to help you. if it is going to help you overcome your grief and move forward it is a good step..

    though out of body experience is something i am not comfortable discussing, are you trying all these just now.. or you into lucid dreaming and obe even before this ...?? just wanting to know ..i wish you do not attempt anything like this to connect with her..are you taking pro. help..

    sometimes, allowing the soul to rest in peace is the best thing you can gift her. giving her the peace that you are taking care of the kids the best possible way..

    just take care..
     
    Shanvy, Jan 31, 2012
    Shanvy, Jan 31, 2012
    #36
    1 person likes this.
  7. Jan 31, 2012 #37
    geethaprashanth

    geethaprashanth Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    173
    Likes Received:
    43
    Trophy Points:
    50
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Deepak,

    Sorry, about your wife, but you can remarry again, life should go on..........

    Children’s needs mother, and you need a life partner also, Of course, you cannot erase the loving memories of your beloved wife, as yours is a love marriage, but you can always give one more chance to welcome a new girl in our life
     
    geethaprashanth, Jan 31, 2012
    geethaprashanth, Jan 31, 2012
    #37
  8. Jan 31, 2012 #38
    indudeepak

    indudeepak Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    16
    Trophy Points:
    25
    Gender:
    Female
    Shanvy,

    Babies sleep separately. One always in SILs room. In the initial days I had objected to it and me and mom used to manage both kids. Once I came here slowly this started again and looking at mom's challenge in night in feeding two babies I also accepted this situation. They dont lie side by side for more than an hour a day. I dont exactly like it but dont want to interrupt the situation again.

    I was always attracted to metaphysical and spiritual stuff and am a voracious reader on this subject. However I looked at them as a self help tool, trying too understand my psyche better and also to understand the deeper meaning of life. I do believe in life after death and re-incarnation because I think life will be too meaningless without it. Just my belief - no intention to offend any one or faith.

    However after her death I had a great reason to practice these. I had read brian weiss and heard about monroe, wuhlman et all but since the death and during initial mourning period I have read more than 10-15 books on this subject including "Tibetan book of living and dying". It was painful at times, the way she died with so strong unfulfilled desire.

    I always wonder if she is in peace and would do anything to find it out. I have prayed, cried, tried meditation etc. I have never achieved any lucidity in dream nor succeeded in OBE. I guess it needs a more calm mind and relaxed body. But there are too strong emotions attached. However I continue to strive. Why you say not disturb her by trying to connect with her? I guess I understand your concern but....

    Also in some books there are so many accounts of messages from afterlife or from deceased loved ones (for ex: Hello from heaven) that I can not but long for a message from her. That would be a most precious and defining moment for me in life. I feel that only then I will be able to plunge in life actively and handle my responsibilities. Till then I would feel a great sense of loss and anxiety and pain whenever I would think of her.

    I had also written to an expert in america seeking an appointment in Dec (in oct) but havent heard from his office. I am not too sure of such pros in india.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2012
    indudeepak, Jan 31, 2012
    indudeepak, Jan 31, 2012
    #38
  9. Jan 31, 2012 #39
    cj1980

    cj1980 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    794
    Likes Received:
    597
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Deepak,

    My heart goes out to you. As I read your experience, it reminded me a lot about myself and my DH...love marriage...moved from chennai to bangalore to stay away from all the drama...started a life there just the two of us...after many struggles TTC we are now expecting our first baby...I cannot even imagine how it feels to go through the tragic circumstances that you have been through.

    You have had many great suggestions and words of comfort on this thread...I don't have anything new to add, except I believe it is early for you to think of remarriage. Allow yourself some time (I don't know how long it will take...but as long as it takes) to grieve your loss. It is irreplaceable...all you can do now is celebrate the life of Indu and honor her through the life decisions you make. Be open to the idea of meeting someone down the road...but you don't have to go in search of her right away!

    Secondly, I strongly believe the twins should be together. Under no circumstances should they be separated. Is there any chance of your wife's sister being willing to take the children under her care? Since your family is a joint one, I suggest you let your daughters be under their care for now...try to move back to Chennai so that you can help in raising your daughters. I know the role of a woman in parenting is vital...but I wouldn't say that men cannot raise daughters on their own! Do the best that you can to be both a mom and a dad to your babies...it will help you in your healing process.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers...I hope God gives you the wisdom to make the right decisions during this difficult time and provides the divine comfort that only He can. Take care.

    Carol
     
    cj1980, Jan 31, 2012
    cj1980, Jan 31, 2012
    #39
    1 person likes this.
  10. Jan 31, 2012 #40
    Subhaganesh

    Subhaganesh Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,469
    Likes Received:
    410
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Gender:
    Female
    deepak,
    literally i am crying after hearing this...please be calm ,get a good life partner and remarry..because indu has given u a wonderful gift.they need to be taken care at least for that marry..i can't type anyhting... i am really sorry
     
    Subhaganesh, Jan 31, 2012
    Subhaganesh, Jan 31, 2012
    #40
Page 4 of 12

Share This Page