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Can one marry again after losing wife?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by indudeepak, Jan 29, 2012.

  1. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    How can one remove overies becuase she divorced her H? Did her ex did this kind of thing after that!!
     
  2. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    May your wife's soul rest in peace. It is clear that you were a good husband to her when she was alive. Actually, that is all that matters. Other things like destiny is not on our hands. So pls stop feeling guilty.
    Your daughters are your wife's gift to you. Pls take care of them. The gender of the babies are not a deciding factor. Babies are babies. I feel it is just natural for a father to be close to his own kids and pls dont pay heed to all this. Be confident of your parenting skills. Pls pls keep nannies to help bringing them up. I feel that if you give your babies for adoption you may still miss them later on. It is my opinion. But it is a big decision and should not be taken emotionally. For your mom, giving your kids to your siblings may seem fine but you have to ask yourself if you dont have any role in their lives, will it be fine with you. Taking care of babies are not easy. Even new mothers are always self-doubting. So dont let your doubts make a bad decision. Get professional help/ nannies. In a yr, your kids will be all grown up and you will see how they will bring joy to your life. Like others said, get involved. If you do your bit as a father I am sure any girl (if you remarry) will also be confident. I hope you get a loving, sensible girl who can be a good mother to your little girls.
     
  3. Pranjjal

    Pranjjal Gold IL'ite

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    Deepak, My heart felt condolences.

    The same thing happened with my friends sister. She died 10/12 after delivering baby. The same sequence after her delivery. Dr almost gave her more than 100 bottles of blood and every possible things to save her had done.

    Coming to ur point.

    First of all I feel the twin babies are girls they don't hv their mom but when they will grow up they will be for each other as they are girls their bonding will be too strong so my heartfelt request please don't separate them. And one more thing I want to tell you, many times seen that daughters are more attached to their father than their mother so I feel if you will be with them all of you will be happy in future. They will surely give you more love in life. Again take ur own time for the decision to remarry. Time heals everything. At present u are not in a condition to think about other life partner but may be after some time say few yrs later you will feel like it but it will be good if ur babies will get mother and u will get a life partner. Just give urself time to take wise decision till then with the help of their grandparents and nanny try to give love and affection and care to ur cute babies. Love to them and I wish God will give you more courage.
     
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  4. Pranjjal

    Pranjjal Gold IL'ite

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    I want to add one more thing Don't take too much time to remarry because woman tends to attach more to new born babies than growing kids and vice versa.
     
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  5. indudeepak

    indudeepak Bronze IL'ite

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    dear All,
    Thanks for your kind words and suggestions. The more I ponder about the situation, the more I am convinced that remarriage is a bad idea. The reasons being, I dont want a wife, I can't replace indu with someone else however wonderful they might be. And too marry a girl with this kind of expectation seems cruel. I think we had discussed this subject playfully some time back when she was alive. Also, I had pondered over my death and was convinced that Indu should remarry in case I died (didnt tell her these things as she would get angry at me even if I mentioned my death jokingly). I know she wouldn't have accepted that but my reasoning was that a girl (that too a simple one) needs the company of a man to live happily in our indian society. But the same doesn't apply to me, I can take care of myself and absolutely fine with being single.
    Ideal thing would be a widow with small kid. We can live together without any relationship need just to ensure kids grow up with good care. But its too idealistic thought and might not workout.

    As to other options suggested....

    dear JGVR -
    Indu had lost her mother 6 months after our marriage. Her father is 70+ and lives alone. Her sis is settled in Australia with two little daughters of her own. Her bro is married and lives separately in chennai - not much connection with him. So the babies have to be with my family. Its a joint family where my two bros and parents live together.

    Its pleasing to know that you didn't miss your mother due to excellent care of your aunt.

    dear OMNAM -
    Moving to chennai seems a very practical idea. Need to think about it more. Bangalore home has fond memories of Indu, little things that she has collected over the years and the moments we have shared together. Each and every item has a touch of her. When I am here I feel at home, as if she is still there. I dont feel the same way at chennai. Although a joint family it has its own issues. I am looking at the possibility of hiring a full time nanny at bangalore and pursuade my mom to come here. Hiring a nanny at chennai is not an option as my family is against it ("we are all there, no need for an outsider" is their argument). And my parents though living in city are extremely conservative north indian family.

    dear Pranjjal,
    The thought that they will be the biggest support for each other didn't occur to me at all. Its true that while growing up they will have each other's company. My dad also says that during the twilight of life a partner's need would be felt more.

    adoption idea -
    The thought of adoption came when my SIL requested politely if she could adopt the younger one whom she is taking care of (they are thinking of adopting a baby). I rejected the idea immediately. She also requested to be allowed to take the baby with her to native (she is going for a month to north). I rejected that also since its very cold there and I didnt want the kids to be separated. even for a short while.

    But when I thought about my bro (my SIL being extremely moody and short tempered) and heard mom's logic I allowed her to atleast take the baby with her when she goes next month. Mom can't take care of both, she needs my younger SILs help. And I dont want to annoy SIL too much fearing an impact on baby's care. I am not judging her, its just my fear. Although she takes good care of younger one.

    She is extremely partial to younger one. She doesn't keep the older one with her even for half day. Although mom requested that she take turn with the kids, she refused it. She has made some comments about older one. I DISLIKE this behaviour to the core. Obviously mom can't match the care and effort of SIL and it shows in the older ones dressing etc and it makes me extremely sad at times. But when I am there I try to ensure as much as possible that both are treated equally, both by others and myself.

    This is also one major factor that wants me to bring the babies to Bangalore. I can't stand biased behaviour with kids.

    (I have attached a small photo album to my profile)
     
  6. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Deepak,
    Its good that you are thinking rationally now. Your SIl may have kids later then what will be your childs position in her life? Making comments about the other baby seems cruel.
    Its also terrible to separate the two baby sisters, your decision is right.
    Try and convince your Mom that since its a long project and you will NOT be rushed into marriage it would be wise to hire help.Maybe even Indu would have done it as handling two babies is difficult.
    At least the maid can do the running around with milk bottles, nappies, clothes and give some rest to your Mom.
    You are lucky that your family is helping you out in this hour of need.
    With Gods grace you may find a good match as you wish. These tough days will also pass.
     
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  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Deepak,

    Indu looked so full of life and dreams..the babies are so sweet, yet i can so identify one who is pampered and the other without your telling me.(not sure if i am right or wrong) but please do not separate them even if your sil wants to take one to her place for a month. the babies have a special bond especially being twins, and they will miss each other though we may tend to argue.

    maybe you should seriously think on the strategies to move over to chennai, nothing like having a joint family that could help you, but you can always convince them that you want the family to have their time without always having the responsibility of taking care of the kids. believe me, right now the wish, and the expectation that you may give one of the babies for adoption should be the trigger for your sil's taking care of the baby. when you tell them that you do not wish to separate both and would like to raise them as together, you never know how she would react..i wish she does still continue her taking care of the babies, but so wish she leaves the preference she shows.

    Sometimes, what feels like a huge mountain when you are grieving could easily be tackled with time and add to that the happiness to see your babies grow out to be loved and healthy kids..YOU can do it.

    have you named them..??just curious...
     
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  8. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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  9. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    She was childless for 2 years post marriage (her first marriage) and then came to know that she had a big tumor in her uterus. It was medically removed (along with tubes and all) and the doctor made it clear that she can no longer carry a baby:(

    After a few months, she has decided to separate from her husband from this ground as her marriage was already a shaky one due to MIL's interference and now it was way too much for her to handle. She was happy as a working woman at her mom's home then... and this proposal came through her brother as the second husband (my friend) was her brother's best friend.
     
  10. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Deepak

    Please do not separate the kids for whatever the reasons. Do not allow them to feel bad for having lost their mom. I mean if you allow your SIL to pamper the second one and let the first one alone (obviously an elderly mother can not do much pampering stuff), then seriously the little one (elder) will feel bad for it. One day she will definitely feel for the loss of her mom.

    The best idea is to hire a nanny.... Have your mom to monitor her and do your work as it comes. Do not mix other's expectations and feelings with your life.
     
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