Can one marry again after losing wife?

tulipzz · Jun 8, 2012

Nice to hear that the babies re doing well deepak. Good luck to you and blessings to the children.

rose8282 · Jun 9, 2012

I have been following your posts and each time I read them, I have tears in my eyes..just like all the others here,I guess. Its a very difficult situation and I understand your position. You want to give justice to the lady you marry,which is not possible as your heart is filled with your wife's thoughts. At the same time, its so much better for a woman to bond with children from their infant/baby stage and vice versa. Its a catch 22 situation. I think you should marry a woman who has lost her husband...she can understand your situation well. Both of you can go through this phase together and grow with each other,while respecting own spouse's and lone time.

parvathi1980 · Jun 10, 2012

I have not gone through all the posts but from what I have read you seem to be a very sensible person. Please do not marry just to get a mother for the kids. You will make her very unhappy. And if you cannot be a good husband to her she is unlikely to treat the girls as her own. You are not mentally prepared as well. My suggestion as of now is not to get married. Your kids will be fine. You are there for them.

Rakhii · Jun 13, 2012

Deepak, it's been long since we saw an update. I have been following this thread closely but didn't reply as you are already getting plenty of wonderful suggestions.

Are you feeling a little better now? I sure hope so. I pray you have come out of the early dark days. I pray that you are now able to think of Indu and smile, instead of drowning in over whelming grief. I pray that time has healed the wounds...but how is that possible? Time can't heal wounds. All it does is fade the memories. Perhaps it's what is called healing. I pray the girls are doing well. I pray you have developed some new hobbies. I pray you are able to chuckle at the silly things the kids do. I pray that her soul is resting in peace. I am sure it is...

How is work? Why am I not able to see page 10?

arnavi · Jun 13, 2012

Hey Depaak,

I read your post and my heart reaches out to the babies.... just a suggestion that can u move to chennai or your mother can stay with u in blore and you can hire a maid, cook etc in this way you will see the babies every day and also your mom can look over the maids and guide them as how youll want the babies to be handled by the maid and the babies will also get your love on regular basis... you willl be in my prayers..

HasiniS · Jun 13, 2012

Dear Deepak

I am struck speechless and in tears ... I am sure you will shower all the love including that you have on Indu, on your two little ones... As I myself know the pain of loosing our loved ones and that too to such medical negligences it just bursts our hearts ... I have seen my mom slowly turn to a kid and then to a vegitative state and have seen her shattering in a span of 11 months ... I lost my mum in 2007. We were about to start of our dream life after a reunion of our family of 5 ( 3 daughters and my dad & mom ). But atlast we ended up loosing her to ashes ... It was terrible and is still... I still dont sleep in the nights for all the loss, pain, the guilty feeling, the anger on the money minded doctor, for us choosing that hospital, for letting her go through all this and many more... sometimes I cant even close my eyes and imagine but I still keeping running the entire picture again and again and still feel lifeless.... I am married and have a 2.5 year old son... My husband is that dream husband any girl would love to have and my lovely baby... God has given me everything and the loss too to grieve ... Please speak out more with your trusted friends as I know this process of grieving will continue till our memories are ... Its always good to have friends who would just listen to your when you talk about the happy memories you had with Indu as well as the grieving memories ... And trust me only time can heal ... Life has to go on ... and your little ones need you all as mom and dad now... Its not possible to replace Indu with someone in your life... But may be in some years you will find someone who needs you as her companion and babies to show her love ... You will find one when God has decided that to happen... God gives such tough challenges for us as he only trusts we will believe him and walk his way in trust. I pray my Sai Baba to give you all the peace and smiles... We take this body for our soul to have a place ... but even when you open the jar the air that was trapped in the jar would get released but not just sink in to the ground ... Its still exists just around us... Indu is just with you and around you. When ever you miss her just close your eyes and search deep inside you to see yourself just filled with her ... You will be just fine soon and your babies will do great ... They are just your stress busters and they just will bring your Indu back ...

You please take care

With loads of care
Hasini

indudeepak · Jun 14, 2012

@Rakhii -
I dont think memories of her will fade away. And you are right - I dont think there would be a healing in the sense I understood. I guess its transcending the pain. After a while the pain gets deeper. You do get that choking feeling when you lie down in the night, when you see places you have been together (shops, roads etc I dont go to malls or any other place anymore), when u hear her fav music, when u touch her clothes, when u realize again and again and again that never ever you will be able to hold those hands or hear her words.........Oh its terrible......for anyone who has ever lost someone suddenly without having the opportunity to say goodbye (that is most of us).

@Hasini -
Your post was very touching. I do understand the concept intellectually but you know, its very very hard to find comfort in that TRUTH. I guess thats why this world is called Maya (illusion). Its grip is so strong that only a wise few are able to free themselves.

Update is that Its not going great here. My parents dont intend to come to Bangalore. My dad is an alcoholic, whole day he is fine but in evening after drinks he changes into someone else. He is unhappy with daughters in law and cribs regarding house being in a mess and not being treated properly etc. He is the reason mom can't come to Bangalore. Evenings are pretty depressing for me as the home environment gets gloomy and tense and everyone keeps quiet. They prefer me to make an arrangement (means marriage) at Bangalore before they can come there. As explained I am not yet ready for that. My evenings in chennai are very depressing mainly because of my father's tantrums. I tried explaining him that the current situation created by his habit is not helpful to anyone and we will fully support him if he wants to quit. I even suggested him to reduce it a little because after reaching a limit, daily he transforms and starts making trivial/petty comments thats difficult to listen to. We can listen to some extent but why his DILs will put up with that. The result is that they have shut themselves off and become completely silent. My father is otherwise a nice person with strong moral values but I fail to understand his behaviour. Infact my SILs serve him the side dishes with liquor daily. He plays with kids when drunk (otherwise also) and I just cant stand this. My bro's kid is 2.5 yrs old and I dont like this influence on him as he is begining to understand things.

This is the reason I can;t move to chennai. I wont be able to take it and at thw same time can't be a silent spectator to this daily drama. Anger, frustration and depression are the result of this daily conflict within myself. I want to be able to live with my father and accept him as he is, but once in a few days my patience wears down and I end up in an argument with father. Rest of the night I remain awake thinking about Indu and what could have been.

Kids are doing great. They dont need me at this time. One clings to mom and another one to SIL. I do play with them and help mom in taking care of the older one. I had come with a plan that I will get the kids together, let parents know that both can be taken care of by me with their support. However it didn't work out. SIL is OK as long as I don't interfere with her taking care of younger one the way she wants to. Its not right for me to interfere also. But I find it troubling to see that she is fed differently, clothed differently. For example I had given olive oil for applying to babies a few months after their birth but I understand from mom that SIL uses a different oil. SIL doesn't talk to MOM and this makes it all the more difficult for my mom. She is dependent on two SILs and suffers a lot of humiliation silently. In my presence it doesn't happen openly but I can see whats going on and know from mom what happens in my absence. MOM doesn't tell this to my bro or dad because in past it has created messy situations. She is an angel but has suffered so much through out. She wont leave papa and come with me to Bangalore. I too wont want that.

I am planning to go back to Bangalore in a week or so. Twice I suggested to Papa that at least for a month lets go to Bangalore with both kids. My friends (specially Indu's) would also get to see the kids. But I guess he also doesn;t want the status quo to change. SILs reaction can be very unpredictable and he wants to avoid that. And i am getting more depressed here. I am planning to go back to Bangalore for a week, not join office, maybe prepare a will and think if I need to come back here and continue the sabbatical.

This forum is the only place where I can share all this, mainly because of the anonymity it provides.

insha · Jun 14, 2012

Hi Deepak,

I have read your posts and can understand what you must be feeling and going through.Yes it is difficult,no words can explain these sufferings and frustration that you are undergoing.I know how much you loved your wife.I know how you must be feeling.But as another Ilite here had suggested,is it not possible for you to marry a widow?Yes you may have to search a lot.But this will give life for another girl and also she will understand your feelings and will not have much expectations.Iam sure Indu will be happy if you do this.

Iam not old enough to be telling this.Pls ignore if you dont find it reasonable.Anyway All the very best for your future.Remember Indu is with you always.

Foundlove · Jun 14, 2012

Dear deepak,
My heartfelt condolences to you. Here are my thoughts. It is a complete wrong notion that a man cannot take care of baby girls. Complete wrong. I have seen many men take care of motherless kids in US.

I would suggest that if you get married it should be for you and not for the babies. You can hire nannies for that. You don't need a wife. If your mother is able to come stay with you for couple months you can easily set everything up.

Once they start living with you ,you will be able to take care of them. Children that small need love,attention and a schedule. After my C section , my husband took care of my son and me for 2 months before I could do anything . He hired cleaning lady and a lady who came in to cook and take care of the babies for few hours. He had taken leave and worked from home as well. Everyone said he can't do it but he was amazing. Even better if I had my mom here.

When faced with such situations we always rise against odds.

You should marry WHEN YOU ARE READY. Otherwise it will be unfair on the woman you marry and the children.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. You can do this. Indu will help you, she resides in the babies now.

P.S if your mother cannot come maybe MIL or any other relative who is willing can help you initially.

Be strong.
FL

indudeepak · Jun 14, 2012

There was another drama in my house today evening. I had come home from shopping and was changing my dress. I heard loud voices outside. When I came out I saw that mom was upset and was complaining to my elder SIL. When I inquired she narrated the incident. Mom was attending to both the kids while I was in and she made the younger one lick a chocolate from my kid nephew. SIL saw this and thought its me who gave the younger baby the chocolate. She was calling for me loudly when mom told that its she who gave the chocolate. SIL was furious and said "chocolate is bad for older one but not for younger one?". She took the baby in her room and slammed the door. Mom was visibly upset at this behavior when she finished narrating. I wanted to talk to SIL and tell her that my mom has equal rights on both the kids and she should never ever talk to her like that. However my mom pleaded me to keep quiet and let things remain as it is.

I am going to make another attempt at calling my parents to bangalore. If it fails I am gonna get the other kid in my room and will see whatever happens.