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Can one marry again after losing wife?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by indudeepak, Jan 29, 2012.

  1. indudeepak

    indudeepak Bronze IL'ite

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    (I am sorry that it ended up being such a long post, I just kept on writing)

    Dear Friends,

    I am using my wife's account to make this post. She was a fan of this website and used to collect household tips and recipes. We have common accounts for everything. In fact it was her responsibility to take care of my mails and there was not a thing bet us that was a secret. In fact we would update each other about everything as soon as it happened.

    Ours was a love marriage. I being a north Indian and she being a south, it was most challenging decision of my life. My financial status at that time didn't help either.

    Well, we were married for 9 years when she decided to go for IVF in Dec'2010 as we were childless for 9 years. She had miscarried in the first year of our marriage. It was ectopic and one of her ovaries had to be removed.

    At the time of marriage I was in Singapore. Post marriage we moved to malaysia due to recession and resulting job change. We came back to india after two years and I deliberately looked for a job in bangalore to ensure she doesn;t have to stay with my parents and bros. Not that they or her disliked each other. But due to cultural difference I thought that would be better.

    She had mixed well with my family and everyone liked her. We often used to quarrel and fight (silly issues) but I guess that happens with all the couples. We were friends more than couples. Infact she was my only friend. We were happy with each other and didn;t have many friends except a few.

    Coming back to the situation. Our IVF at chennai was successful and post pregnancy she stayed at my inlaws house there itself. We both were expecting that she will be back in bangalore after a couple of months, but doctors at prashanth hospital kept giving some tests and one surgery (OST) during 17th week that made it impossible. Later we both decided that its better that she stays in chennai till delivery and then she could be back with kids (it was twins). We used to talk daily (2-5 times) and every month or fortnight I used to visit chennai. Everything was going fine. At her request I was saving all my leaves for the delivery time so that could spend a lot of time with her.

    During her 34th week she had breathing problem. She had asthma since childhood. They visited the hospital and it was OK in 2-3 days. Also due to her small stature she was finding it very difficult to eat or sleep properly due to growing tummy size and weight of twin babies. She was also very anxious (rather careful) to eat many meals a day etc because many times during scans babies weights were less and she had to be administered fluids to increase baby weight.

    During the 35th week she started vomiting at times and wasn't able to eat due to lack of hunger (or lack of space in her tummy - as she and doctors put it). Whenever she called the hospital they prescribed her some medicines. However at the start of 36th week since her vomiting didn't improve (or worsened) during weekend, she went for a checkup. They took her blood sample, did some tests and sent her home.

    In the evening as I was driving back from office she called me, telling me that eve papa had gone to collect the blood report and it seemed she had jaundice. She was asked to get admitted immd. I told her that I will start right away and reach chennai by midnight (I used to drive to chennai). Later she again called and told me that she is getting admitted tomorrow morning and I can start in morning.

    Next morning I started early and reached hospital by 11. She was lying down in emergency room (since was unable to sit for long). There was some confusion among doctors whether she should get admitted or not. Later we were asked to consult mr. GG (Geetha Haripriya's husband - she is the head of prashanth fertility clinic) and he recommended us to get admitted. She was also constipated for past two days.

    This was tuesday. She vomitted throughout the night ( I held plastic covers 6-7 times to catch it). Next day they gave some medicines for vomiting and constipation but both didnt help much. On thursday they put her on fluids. They kept repeating the scans throughout the day to ensure babies were fine. Many specialists visited her (Jaundice, Blood etc). they kept checking her blood clotting parameter. They were ready to do c-section in case her condition worsened.
    In the eve when Dr. GG visited her she told him that she has not passed urine since morning, he got alarmed and they inserted a catheter to monitor the urine output. My parents and bros had gone back from their eve visit. After one hour they checked the urine output and at that time it seemed all hell broke loose. Dr. was alarmed and they immed. decided to put her in ICU. Dr. Geetha was prepared for delivery procedure and I was told they if all the experts agree she might be operated the same night. Near midnight they decided to go for it. I called up home. As she went to surgery room I showed her thumbs up and she smiled. My whole family was there. She delivered twin girls. Very cute.

    Her bleeding didnt stop until 4 hours of surgery. They had given her a lot of blood. Dr. Geetha told me that they will have to remove the uterous to stop the bleeding. Panicked and clueless I gave a go ahead. At 5 am dr went home and I went to take a nap after she was brought back to ICU.

    Next day (fri) morning I went see her at 11 am. She was on ventilator ( a wind pipe going thru her mouth to her lung) as she saw me she motioned for her inhalers. She looked in discomfort. I had seen her like this for first time in my life. I got emotional choked and called nurses. They said they will administer nabulaizer and no need to worry. They were attentive. I told Indu that babies are cute and fine. She nodded. Next day her condition worsened. They put her on dialisis. They repeated the dialysis on sunday too. She was unconscious. On monday eve they removed her ventilators. Since sat her tummy that was flat post surgery was swelling steadily. I kept asking doctors and they said it is gas (later edema). From tue until thu she was talking to me although with some effort. She enquired abt babies and if she could see them (Dr. denied fearing infection). I showed her a video taken from NICU. She was in a slightly confused state. She was rational in her talk but at times sounded too innocent as if unaware of her serious situation and also as if in a dream state. I guess its called delirium. She was also worried about babies. She didn't like it when on thu I told her that we were taking babies home because they would be cared well at home. I have sis in laws (two younger brothers). She didnt like but agreed reluctantly when explained. She asked me to take a lot of photos and videos of babies since she didnt want to miss their activities. All the while her creating output, bilirubin level and urin output were worsening. We were getting visiting doctors from apollo etc. During these three days during my visits to ICU whatever we spoke I can never forget in my life. She was incharge - in the sense she would update me of ICU activities, what nurses were doing, how I should walk and not droop and how I should not get tense and so many little unforgettable lovely sentences. Her swelling tummy was worrying me, and her confusion state of mind. Rational but child like innocence.

    On friday Dr. Geetha suggested that we shift her to Apollo. Dr. GG was not in favour of that considering the cost and he also thought that they were giving the proper treatment. But we didnt want to take any risk. She was moved to apollo on friday afternoon. When she was taken to their CCU room (highest level care) she told me to put a mat in the room and be there itself. I said it wont be possible and they wont allow it. She said she saw someone lying near the adjacent bed. I looked but there was no one. There was quite some movement as people were carrying her bed etc, so its possible she got confused. Then she requested the doctors to allow me to stay. They said its not possible no one can stay in CCU. She requested this because at Prashant Dr GG had heeded to her request and made me sit near her ICU bed upon her request. This human touch was missing at Apollo - considered the best in chennai (best I dont know - but def most costly). I bid her goodbye and first time in 10 days went home in the eve. My bro would stay overnight in the waiting room. I was somewhat relaxed that day, knowing that she was at the best place she could be in chennai and I was quite optimistic. I didn;t know that I had already heard the last words from my wife (my life).

    That night itself they had put her on ventilator. As her oxygen level was going down. She was unable to speak henceforth. From next day onwards her condition started worsening. She was put on anesthesia since her surgery wound had not healed and her kidney liver, lung were failing. She struggled for 7 days, I had given up hope by 4th day. and I still feel guilty. I feel guilty for not praying and hoping enough for her. For not sitting near her during her death. For not sitting with her body after she was declared dead. On thu next week we were told at 2:30 pm that she might pass away anytime that day. Doctors were helpless and had given up. I looked at her almost lifeless half open eyes - staring nowhere, her head tilted towards her right. They asked us to wait downstairs. At 4:35=40 I was called up again. When I went in her room it was full of 8-10 doctors. One was pounding at her chest giving her CPR. I was told that she had a cardiac arrest at around 4:35 and they were giving her CPR for last 10 mins. They wanted to stop not wanting to injure her lungs more. I insisted that they carry on. I stood at her bedside. frantically looking to hold her legs and praying that she would respond. Then I saw the dreadful site. There was a windpipe that was inserted in her mouth for ventilator. Although the machine was disconnect the ventilator was being manually operated by a nurse. With each thrust at her lungs I saw that whole lot of blood would fiill the pipe. There was only blood in the pipe and there was no way any air would reach indu's lungs. I was shocked and asked the dr to stop. They had given up and were waiting for my signal. They declared her dead at 4:52. I slowly moved out of the room, dazed and tears rolling from my eyes. I had wanted to speak to her once, ask her for babies names, had pleaded to dr. to allow me to show her the babies once......

    Its been 4.5 months since. Our babies are still in chennai. I visit them every fortnight. Everytime I see the kids I remember what it would be like if Indu was there. How ould she react. She suffered so much to have them but could even see them once.

    Babies are taken care by my mom and sis in laws. Many people are approaching my parents for second marriage saying that their daughters are willing to take care of the babies. Even Indu;s father thinks I should think about it seriously. Logic is a man can not bring up two girl child all by himself. They would need a mother. If it was boy baby then maybe we can manage.

    I heard them patiently this time, specially my mom - I notice how much she is struggling to care for the baby at this age. Earlier I used to shut this topic. But I have begun doubting my ability to take care of them alone. I am contemplating giving them for adoption to my sis in law who is childless so far ( 2 yrs since marriage). My other sis in law has a 1 yr son. But she is fond of only the second baby and everyone notices her not so affectanate behaviour for the first one.

    Its impossible to bring another girl in Indu's place. This house is filled with her stuff and memories and I would rather die than marry again. She was and IS my life.

    What other options do I have?
     
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  2. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear indudeepaks Hubby,
    My sincere condolences to you and the little babies . It is a very tragic story , you lost your life partner and the poor girl did not even see her babies. May God give her eternal peace.
    Coming to your problem , it can be solved with a little bit of patience. First of all why are you saying that you could have brought up a baby boy but may find bringing up 2 baby girls difficult? Please dont lose heart.
    You can remarry as your wife is no more but it will require a very mature girl who will give love to two small babies. A young girl will have dreams of romance and outings which will be curtailed due to small babies.
    If you wait for a few years for the babies to grow up then it will be easy for a girl to adopt your babies as her own, till then they can stay with your parents and SILs , keep a maid for the babies so no one is burdened by extra work.
    Think of the tiny babies who are motherless now and you are also staying in another city . They are missing their father , remember babies grow up fast and will smile and start recognising people in a few months time , then you will start missing them.Once they start calling you Papa you will not like to leave them !
    I would humbly request you to select a girl on her merits of love for your babies . Most parents will be lining up with marriage proposals ,please talk to the prospective girls alone and stress that you need a mom for your kids and also a wife.If she is willing then you can go ahead .
    Hope you will not parcel off your babies to relatives and start a fresh life without them . It will be very cruel to do so. They need their fathers love desperately , if are lucky they can get mothers love too.
    You can remarry , but keep your babies with you , after all they are your blood and need you .
    Wait for sometime to remarry, the troubles will decrease and not increase .
    If no one is willing to keep your babies then bring them to your place and keep full time nurse for them. It will be worth the money spent and the babies will fare well instead of being neglected .
    One can contact a nursing home for such nurses , also keep a maid , if possible your Mom can supervise them.
    One can never forget ones children and giving them for adoption when you are financially able to take care of them is unforgivable. Dont get bull dozed by your relatives.
    Please feel free to post here again with your doubts about the issue.It looks difficult but can be done.
     
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  3. vjbunny

    vjbunny IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Deepak...
    So sorry to know about Indu...May her soul rest in Peace...May God give you strength to bear the loss....
     
  4. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

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    My heart goes out to you and the babies. I cant begin to imagine the sense of loss and the grief that you have gone through.... but as they say...time heals. Dont allow yourself to feel guilty...you did all you could and now think of what your wife would have wanted for your children.

    Your babies are the top most priority now.....although they are too young to realise the loss of mother, they do need to have the comfort and loving family surroundings which your family is providing right now, but they definitely need a more secure presence of a father. Involve yourself in every day to day activity of the babies, get to know them, enjoy their smiles, their innocent gurgles... and once you personally know what it is to take care of babies, you will have a better idea and perception about what you would want for them. You can employ a full time nanny to tkae care of babies while your mother supervises. It is easy to hand over the rearing to your mother or let your sister adopt., or even marry,, but you shouldnt regret not trying at all later...that you didnt give a chance to your children to know you and their mother through you. Also being personally involved with everyday upbringing of your children will give you a sense of connection with your wife ....and the children can be the part of your healing process too. Even if you remarry, there are no guarantees that she will treat the children as her own, but you are the father...nothing can change that. Taking care of babies is not difficult as you imagine, with patience and baby steps you can easily succeed in what seems a huge responsibility now.

    As for you....take care of yourself, be strong, mentally and physically so that you dont succumb to pressure and end up doing things which you dont want to. Ofcourse you can marry again...when YOU are ready to move on and when YOU want to.... and not because others want you to or you want a substitute mother for your children. Grieving is a process, give it time. Things may look different tomorrow. Keep a journal or write to us here whenever you feel overwhelmed or to get an objective third person pov to your situation.
     
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  5. indudeepak

    indudeepak Bronze IL'ite

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    flowerlady, vjbunny and mansimahi, thanks for your responses. I wasn't expecting a reply so soon.

    I was extremely disturbed initially. It used to hurt more whenever I used to be with the babies. Then I started thinking that I will bring the babies with me once their heads are steady and they have had developed a routine. However the onslaught of advices from anybody and everybody insisting that handling girl child for a single dad is almost impossible slowly started getting at me. So much so that I am kind of getting scared/skeptic of hiring full time nurse looking at the news and some horrible stories. Had my mom been able to come here I would have hired a full time maid/cook and under her supervision it should have be OK. But she herself needs the attention of my SILs due to her failing health.

    I realise that to marry a girl and expect her to take care of 2 kids would be very unfair to her. Ideal situation would be seek out a widow herself in similar situation where both of us could support each other. However remarriage option I am not able to accept because that would mean I would have to remove Indu from my day to day life and babies would not know her real mother. So this is ruled out. But I am not sure if time will change this. Unless I let it.

    When I was contemplating giving my babies to SIL for adoption, I had the intention of giving every penny of my savings and earnings to them and move out into oblivion. Otherwise my interference in their upbringing will never allow the adopted parents to feel as if they are in charge.

    But your responses are encouraging. I just need to wait a little more and have faith that I could take care of them. I am confident of playing a dual role for my kids irrespective of their gender. But people's opinion had shaken me and also made me feel like girls would need a motherly companion while growing up. But I guess that can be taken care of by my close relatives (girl advice etc).

    Thanks for your kind words. I will wait.........and hope and pray......and try to compensate for what I could not do for Indu. When it comes to her I am very emotional.
     
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  6. Raja Meenakshi

    Raja Meenakshi New IL'ite

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    Hi Very sorry for all the recent happenings in yr life. I agree with flowerlady totally. Please do not disown the babies to anyone. They have lost their mom , and they shd not lose their father too. Please be patient until u find a suitable partner and can give the girls a wonderful mother too while u have a nice partner. U shd also wait for wound to heal fully. Only then u will be able to take any decision wisely.Girls will grow fast and in 3 yrs time they can be put in childcare wholeday and slowly they will very confident young girls. Keep showering yr love on them and keep a nurse or a full time helper so that routine jobs r taken care of. I am sure her parents and yr elders will be supportive to u emotionally and to the babies.
    I have had a similar incident in my family for a very close relative and the person has remarried and the child is getting adjusted to the new mother. Finally surrender unto Almighty and he will definitely show u the right path.

    Cheers
    RM
     
  7. vjbunny

    vjbunny IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Deepak...

    Dont think so Indu is there in your heart and in your kids.... She would want the best for you both....
     
  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Deepak,

    My heart felt condolences.

    Though your indu is not going to come back, have you looked for any negligence on the part of the doctors??
    just curious.

    coming to the babies. i am sure you both would have had a few ideas about how to bring up your babies. can you move over to the place your mom and brothers are, by getting a job transfer or new job. you can even a rent a house closeby have all the help and also supervision. your babies need you in their life. though you are missing your wife, you will get over it and then when you look back, you would have missed lot of your daughters' milestones.

    It is easy to think about giving the children for adoption. but it would be really injustice to seperate them deepak. and moreover, it is your fear and your lack of confidence that is making you think so. do tell yourself you can take care. if needed, take a sabbatical (if you can afford to) stay with your mom and family and take care of the nanny, setting up of house for having your kids with you. how about indu's parents and family. if they can come over why not??

    Do not get yourself a wife, to take care of your kids. you need someone who does understand the predicament and also has the ability to accept you and your babies as a package. take time to understand and really judge a person.

    It is not wrong to marry again. but give yourself time to completely grieve and be at peace with yourself.

    Remember people sometimes in their over enthusiasm or their inability to convey their condolences, tend to give you a lot of advice and suggestions. i do agree that there is lots of things happening when it comes to babies, but also remember there are good ones too.but our media showcases and highlights only the bad.



    all the best..
     
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  9. indudeepak

    indudeepak Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Shanvy

    There has definitely been gross mistakes from doctors. Even apollo doctors. They just could not figure out what was wrong with her. I was alarmed since begining looking at her swelling tummy and her state of delirium. I would tell them about it and they would not take it seriously. I say this because until she was moved to apollo I was constantly being told that she was getting better. Even during discharge to apollo Geetha haripriya herself said that they would complete the discharge process properly since its not an emergency. Same Geetha called me 4 days later saying only my prayer could save Indu.

    I blame the whole medical community. There is so less human touch. When they knew she was not going to live, the least they could have done is let her die in her loved ones presence and tried to be somewhat non mechanical. Having said that I understand that some of them did try their best but had no clue. But Geetha is just concerned about money. I often think how different things might have turned out had I had the courage to bring back Indu to Bangalore despite doctors advice. Maybe the love and affection would have not let her ....

    All I have now is her messages and call records of our 9 months of separation. I keep listening to them and realize how stupid I have been to let her stay their, although the decision was mutual. She was in pain physically and missed being with me.

    Apollo is just a medical factory. Later I got to know many negative cases at Apollo. They do have a very professional approach and top class facility. But patient is not treated as human but a broken flesh machine.

    They could not bring down her bilirubin level (jaundice indicator) and also denied my suggestion of administering her nellikai keerai juice. I was told by many that this green leaf juice brings down bilirubin rapidly. I understand doctors unwillingness in trying this. But when they knew allopathy was not working they could have tried it. Hell, I could have prayed more and also given her subconscious messages. I was just walking around like a zomby and lost my cognitive faculty. All my metaphysical and spiritual knowledge was pushed in background.
     
  10. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Deepak,
    What has happened is fate thats how we get over tragic experiences, time is a great healer.What happened was so sudden and unexpected that its difficult to comprehend the tragedy so soon.
    It will take at least a year for your wounds to heal, Indu will remain a beautiful memory for you and her babies.
    She will be happy that her precious bundles of joy are at least getting their fathers and families love.
    Regarding well meaning advise just say firmly that you need at least 6 months or a year to think clearly about your next step. No proposals , no adoptions to be discussed .
    Try and visit more often for their sake though its easy to live in a make -believe -world and refuse to face the truth.
    Now you have a duty to love and care for your kids , if you back away there are chances that they could be ignored or ill-cared as sympathy tends to get diluted with time.
    Later you can marry a nice mature lady or a widow who will understand you and your kids.
    Not all nannies are bad , neither all step-mothers evil!
    Please keep pouring your thoughts here as relatives tend to give biased opinions sometimes .
     

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