Can a person's basic nature change?

A BIG NO please..........Tulip do not involve his sisters/friends/relatives....if you involve them now..remember be ready for their interference n involvement forever..

also one more thing to observe here...a man who cannot forgive n let go...this is a one time incident...and he too is actin abusive and nasty in return....which is not helping at all right?? even if you talk to hsi sisters..they will start preaching and moreover..who else can resolve issues b/w a wife n husband??? if they both dont trust each other and cant forgive each other..no one else can do anything

 

Tulip,

My dear, I am glad you are taking my inputs in the right spirit and not feeling like I am blaming you unnecessarily etc. Going forward, While you wait for him to recover and come back, you dont start reacting, do stay calm and maintain an even keel. Go about your work as normal, ie., do the things you would normally do for your husband etc. Yes your husband is over-reacting and it will take him time to forget but later when this incident is forgotten, the fact that you remained your sweet self, that you are loyal and dependable will not be forgotten.

Deflect any and all accusations (like you are very jealous etc. ) with a calm negative statement. No I am not jealous of her. Just make the statement and cut the topic, leave the room, resume your work or your cooking. DONT get heated and defensive, dont start brininging in points to defend youself, just the statement, that's it. after all you know yourself better than anyone else, right? This is v. hard to do -- I myself growing up had to face the accusation often that I am getting angry, or that I will get angry or I anger easily and in countering the statement itself I would get so heated that I would make the other person's statement come true It was v. frustrating. So dont defend, just state once every new time the accusation comes up yes, I know what I did was wrong. That's why I said sorry to them. Or, No I am not jealous of her. Say it once and be patient in the rest of the conversation, as in hear them out and shrug if you have already said it.

Secondly, if you already know that your mil is insecure, when she comes back you should consider doing what you can to remove that insecurity and mke her feel comfortable within the circle of you, hubby and her. Without loosing your essential dignity or giving away your rights of a wife, show that you respect her, admire her and value her. when they come back, view it as your chance to draw that line and show what you can do and cannot do for her within reason so take it. Whatever you decide to do for her as her dil (i mean your duties as a dil towards her) you do wholeheartedly and enthusiastically. Here I stress within reason and without loosing your dignity points a lot. Eg., if there is something she is really good at, like cooking or sewing, get pointers from her about that. For eg., your h's fave dish which only mom can make, get the recipe on the phone, tell he is missing you etc. At some level, this is basically about her not feeling needed or valued too. So restore your PILs comfort level without kowtowing or forcibly killing your own desires.

Good Luck!