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Can a person's basic nature change?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by tulip123, Jan 2, 2012.

  1. tulip123

    tulip123 New IL'ite

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    Hi ILs,

    I hv tremendously benefitted from this website...I again need your help! here is my problem:

    I hv been very happily married for more than 3 yrs n have a baby now. My husband loves me like mad..and is a very soft person..We are in the US and My inlaws had come to help with the baby.They are really nice ppl and were really nice to me...
    ofcourse there were minor irritations on both sides( MIL and me)...then one day, i end up having a big fight with my inlaws and my hubby is really upset as they r old and it was no fault of theirs..
    i totally admit it was my mistake and created a fight cos of my arrogance..then, i apologised and things were back to a pretty normal state..my hubby was normal again..the,i went to india while my inlwas were still here..something totally changed..


    Now being back here, my life has totally turned upside down. He has stopped talking to me, he just cannot stand my face now...keeps calling me and my parents names..always tries to pick fights with me..if i try to talk to him, he threatens to slap me and ditch me forever. I am a home maker and do not have any outside interaction..i depend on him for everything...
    I cannot believe its the same person..we wud do everything together, watch movies, play games, have had a great time..we wud do everything together..we wud miss eachother if we did not speak for 1 hour..we loved each other from the bottom of our hearts..
    he wud not hurt a fly or use a bad word..such a person has turned into a monster..
    i am repenting every second now, for that blunder of mine!

    can u plz analyse this situation for me? Can a person's basic/ inherent nature change? The reason I am asking is that, I am 100% positive that he is a very nice person inside..can i expect to get my old hubby back? I am ready to do anything for him..
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2012
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  2. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    Give him sometime. Talked to him. He must be hurt by your behavior. Don't get upset or shout at him. We are all humans. If it doesn't work, talk to your in laws. I hope you have good relationships after the episode. If nothing work out, see a marriage councilor.

    Don't give up. you made a mistake and let it go. We are all humans. But don't let him abuse like beating etc. That is not right. Good luck.
     
  3. indus2

    indus2 Senior IL'ite

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    Be open to him and directly ask him at a good moment (which is usually after good sex !) whether he is still angry over your behavior.
    If your husband is anything like me, misbehaving with in-laws will have a huge impact on his attitude towards you. It will take some time for him to get out of it and it will take some conscious attempt from you to please your in-laws and possibly forgive some of their mistakes along the way.
     
  4. Saisakthi

    Saisakthi IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sister,

    Generally a person's basic nature doesn't change, his change may be temporary with the haunting thoughts of something bad that had induced in his mind deep.

    Sit with him in a calm atmosphere try to figure out what it is and convince him accordingly and that you repent for your mistakes (if any) had happened.

    To win over a smooth situation try to sail low, do not show your emotions, after all we are human beings who can understand each other.

    Dont try to keep thinking about the same as it will affect your routine behaviour. discussing out what went wrong in a cool manner will ease out things, be cool and think.

    Wish you all success.
     
  5. tulip123

    tulip123 New IL'ite

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    Thanks indus2..he hates to even look at me..let alone sex! to whatever I talk, he only responds in 1 word..i asked him, if we could talk, he is not ready to..he says he hates me..
    As far as inlaws r concerned, they dont stay with us here, we might not be staying together again till another 6-8 months..so how do i prove to him that I have changed and will be nice to his parents? he is just not ready to listen to me..
    because i misbehaved with his parents, he has stopped talking to my parents and blames them for my behaviour..

    plz gimme inputs on how to convince him...iam totally repenting!
     
  6. indus2

    indus2 Senior IL'ite

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    How long has it been since the event ? For how long was he 'back to normal' before you left ?

    You went to India (with a small baby ?) while your husband and his parents were here. They were happy with that decision ?

    Are you on good talking terms with his parents ? Does he have siblings that he talks to regularly ? How long has it been since you are back from India ?
     
  7. tulip123

    tulip123 New IL'ite

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    It happened in october and he was perfectly fine till i left for India in Nov. Yes, my inlaws did not hv a problem sending me to my parents but my hubby was a lil sad as was going to miss me and the baby. But he also wanted me to hv a good time with my parents( after a long time)..
    My inlaws also had forgiven my blunder and sent me with a smile..but were a lil sad that such an incident had taken place.

    While I was in India, initially my husband was normal with me..gradually he started talking lesser and lesser. I just tht he was busy at work.. Later my hubby came to India to pick me up( inlaws also came back to India)..everything went upside down..inlaws bashed my parents for my behaviour and husband thinks its all their fault.

    Its been 20 days since we got back..he is behaving normal with the baby..but when it comes to me, he is disgusted...

    I shud not say w/o knowing, but my MIL might hv taught him stuff cos of her insecurities( she wud not always like it when I was being appreciated for everything, my involvement in the finaces etc etc) . I have heard her telling me that I wear the pants in the house..My stupid behaviour just gave her an easy channel to stop my involvement..now am a stranger in my own home.

    He has 3 sisters and they are pretty close to him..and they also know abt the fight. But as far as I know, they are the non-interfering kind.

    If u are a guy, can u plz analyse what must be going on in his mind? like I said, my inner slef still believes that he is a good person and he feels for me..and he is rude to me just for the sake of being rude..

    thanks indus2 for trying to help!
     
  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Tulipz, am not sure what instigated the fight or your BAD behaviour... one thing I can tell you is that you're def a nerd who live(s)/(d) in a world telling herself that you had the best set of inlaws, non-interfering ones.

    Wakeup.. you got the smartest folks around you.. who make everything appear like butter on top but worms inside. There are a lot of people who want X but keep telling everyone -X and this results into a lot of daily basis friction for them within and finally a day comes when this conflict within them comes out .. now becos there's no clarity of their thoughts and respective expression.. the other person with clear expressions takes up the entire balme.

    Can you pls write more about the fight and tell who exactly is to be blamed for it.
    Cos ppl who're actually responsible for fights are generally not the ones who openly admit that they were the reason behind things going wrong... unless you're an exceptional female.

    Also accept the fact that things never come back to normal esp with non-blood relations.. only time can heal the gap and injury caused to any party.

    Ok now about Basic nature - People return to their basic nature in cases of stress/ fights.. if they were extra nice to you in the starting it was all due to the begining of the relationship and becos they were putting in a lot... when things go wrong.. its a cycle of thoughts and provocation which makes the partner a rebel for being at the receiving end... in terms of the input he/she did.

    Pls leave him to return in his own sweet time.. meanwhile you'll have to find happiness in everything other than him...
    I've seen a lot of marriages and a lot of conflicting scenario in marriages.
    People who are really mean have good husbands around them.. who support them even when they were at fault cos those are really good husbands by definiton and need... who are made to feel at fault. Even after the most disastrous fights they never abandon their wives emotionally or physically. Pls accept that your husband has chosen to play a good son for now.
     
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  9. puspita

    puspita Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Tulip

    You went to India after a BIG misunderstanding...that to with the In laws....so it was a wrong decision...
    U told all were normal when u left...but it was still in their mind...
    and at the same time u left, so they got a good chance to discuss about u...
    and slowly ur DH also started feeling that u had done a great mistake and became rude...its only due to the distance...
    Now u r with him....try to be sweet and caring for him...he shd feel that u r feeling guilty for ur mistake ...
     
  10. samraa

    samraa Bronze IL'ite

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    hi o.p,

    you regretted your outburst and apologised too.things were getting back to normal.what then happened in the meantime ??what went wrong when you were away.speak plainly to your hubby and find out.have a frank talk.-you can't change what happened but you can definately work on the present and make your tommorrow happier.
     

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