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Can A Mother Be Her Daughters Enemy !

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Sandyr46, Jul 16, 2019.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I've learnt not to apply standard definitions when it comes to human relationships. Because, there is no black and white when it comes to human behavior. We are mostly about what we learn socially, and what we inherit from our upbringing.
    Having said that, there are a lot of grey areas between black and white.

    A Mother by definition is the most caring selfless person on earth. But in reality, she can be a nasty evil too. There are extremes, both good and bad. But on average, there is a mixture of both. Nice, good, somewhat good, somewhat bad, bad, evil etc..

    So, only your friend alone knows which category her mom fits in.

    If the mother has always been nice or on a gooder side, but she has turned out to be a sour, bad soul off late, then your friend should assess what's caused the changes. Perhaps her health, mental health, any bad incident, etc..etc...
    However, if she has been like this forever, then there is nothing much left to bother about this. She needs to act quickly by letting her H and (if needed in laws) know everything before it is too damaging. Perhaps, her H can stand up for her or chose to ignore his MIL's comments. Both can eventually shut this old woman off, or at least less aggressive.
     
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  2. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Yes we Indians' glorify mothers equal to Gods but In reality, a mother can be evil as much as shr can be selfless divine soul.

    My mother has always been partial to her son and turned him into a lazy dud. While I had always done a lot for her even recently when she was hospitalized. It was me who ignored even my husband n rest all drama at in-laws n stood by my mother's side till she was pink in health and safely reached home.

    Now that she is fine (except the general age related slowness and weakness), she is back to pampering her son and being partial to me again.

    Anyways, I just mean to convey that sometimes mothers don't understand what we go through and they only behave selfish.

    We cant change anyone's behaviour. I also feel that as parents age older, they become cranky, irritated and more egoistic claiming they "know it all" sentences.

    Maybe we will turn into similar when we grow to their age? Only time will tell.


    About the friend's situation. What does her husband say or how does he react when the mother complains about her daughter to him?

    Maybe here the husband can stop all the issues by politely letting the mother know that he wont hear anything wrong about "his wife".

    We don't know the entire story but it can be possible that the old lady is in depression post losing her spouse and with age and stress she is behaving such?.
    Or if she was always like this, then for mental peace of all, it would be better to rent a 1bhk just adjacent and keep the old lady there and make sure all her needs are taken care of.
     
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  3. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Finest Post Winner

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    Well, all I have heard off and what was concluded - old age and the general cribbing. They have decided to ignore her tantrums and now she has started shutting her moms cribbing. She has been asked not to interact with maids. Also they have offered for her to go and stay at any of her brother r sisters place she chooses to go and they are ready to send the monthly expense.

    Personally I dont share a great relationship with my mother as well. Her views and mine dont match and she is ashamed to live with her divorced daughter due to society and lives with her sister and her sons. She has written me off long back and vice versa.
     
    hermitcrab likes this.
  4. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    How is the social life of your friend's mom. Is she stepping out of the house daily, talking to people in the neighborhood or her friends,then this kind of irritating behavior will reduce to a great extent.

    If not, tell her to just go outside in the morning and evening, breathe fresh air and take sunlight. Walk for around 10 to 15 minutes.

    Talk to her often. Ask others in the family also to talk to her. Also check her bp regularly and see that she is having her medicines properly.
     
  5. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

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    Some mothers can take up the role of a mother-in-law. Usually, such things are done by MIL who is in secured and would create issues with her son and DIL. Here the roles are just reversed. It used to be that the daughters mother always want their daughters life to be in peace so they tend to adjust and be in favor of their daughter. But with changing society, some of us have a very understanding partner and peaceful life that some mother can be jealous either if the mother had not had that nice partner or with her spouse passing away, these things can be triggered.
    Best thing is that her dh should handle this in a smart way yet not hurting her mother. Like, 'I know your daughter is doing her best, she simply may have forgotten to buy it. She has so many things to take care'. He probably should limit is talking to his MIL slowly that way she knows that her complaints against her daughter has put him off and she will gradually stop.
     
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  6. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    It hurts more when your parents stress you out. But as @SGBV wrote, any relationship can be anywhere on the scale of black to white So yes, it is possible for parents to be jealous , manipulative , aggravating ( after all , in-laws are someone's parents too. But most people here , would never question if anyone posted something like this about MIL, because we are made to believe in-laws are evil and parents - especially Moms are angels - neither is always true even though it maybe the norm)
    I had my set of troubles with my Mom. She is a bully and treated me badly when I was a child always favoring her son. Of course, things have turned on the head the more independent I became. But a part of me still wonders , if I was not as independent as I am ( and not in a place to be of value to her) , if she would continue treating me the way she did when I was a child.
    As others have already mentioned, if its a recent turn , then its worth the effort of looking into possible causes and try to manage if not eliminate them. But if its a personality, the best way is to ignore and try to keep them busy with something or the other.
     
    Sandyr46 likes this.
  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    This behavior is not uncommon among older people, particularly the meddlesome types. A lot of people also lose their filter and become very selfish as they age.
    The husband and wife needs to put up a united front. If the mom runs to son in law and complains he should firmly shut it down and say that he won't entertain complaints about his wife.
    Once she sees that her antics are not having the desired effect she might lose interest in the game.
     
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  8. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, I think it is a case of the mother being very insecure.

    Her daughter was working, the mother took care of the child and home - she had responsibilities and a hence a purpose. Now her daughter is a SAHM. Her position has been displaced, she has no control, she is no longer the care-giver to the child and she feels deprived and very insecure. Now she is staying in her daughter's home for "free" , no one depends on her for anything, she depends on her daughter and son-in-law. So now every tiny little flaw , and the ones she thinks as flaws seem largely magnified, she has this need to show that things were better when she was in charge.

    How could your friend deal with this? Not sure, but if she understands her mum's mindset, she could put her mum's actions in perspective. Perhaps let her do some stuff - like say on some days she decides and does the breakfast or dinner for the family. Say, Tell her mom - your biryani is so wonderful, can you make it for Sunday lunch? We all have a need to feel valued and feel a sense of purpose in our lives. Slowly make her feel appreciated. Also if she could spend some one-on-one time with her doing something - go bhajans/walking/ exercise/ even shopping together, maybe once a week? Meanwhile, her husband should act irritated when she complains and cut her off when she starts. Basically , the daughter needs to convey, I love you and will take care of you but I will not let you walk over me.

    End of the day, the most precious things we have, are our loved ones. If we have to bend a little to accommodate , to make them understand we love them no matter what, it is worth it.
     
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  9. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Finest Post Winner

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    Also, there are cases where the daughters mothers manipulates the grandson (elder kids) against the mother. So ny reprimanding the mom does is contradicted by the grandmother. And the son starts hating the mother. I have seen this with old people who have just one daughter. They support the grand children fiercely letting down their own daughter. I dont see that as love but seems more like making the daughter look bad infront of her boys to feel superior.
     
  10. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Finest Post Winner

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    Her mom is a terror darling. Maids despise her. While many of the other old people here get together for prayers or meet up for a chat this one is more interested in jewellery n there is not a single day she doesnt taunt or crib. No sooner my friends hubby is in this one starts cribbing on her own in the kitchen about the house, maid, food, every petty thing. We avoid going to her place even to chat because her old lady will hv somerhing negative to say about her. Nowdays she ignores the old lady or shuts her off. After a hard days work and battling traffic people come home for some peace n quiet not a war zone.
     

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