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Can A Marriage Where In-laws Don’t Like You Work?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Patientone, Oct 16, 2019.

  1. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    From your recent threads, I understood that he is getting UK citizenship thru you.
    You should back off on that and give him a taste of his own medicine.
    Unless your husband changes, there is no point in continuing this marriage
     
    Patientone and yellowmango like this.
  2. sbonigala

    sbonigala Finest Post Winner

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    [QUOTE="joylokhi, post: 4160783, member: 273205"The offending parents here, would be only for one of the partners. The other, however much he may love his spouse and kids would be harbouring the guilt and sadness throughout his life, if he/she truly respects and loves his/her parents.
    [/QUOTE

    There is no problem if the son wants to respect his parents. The problem is when the son joins the parents in disrespecting the wife or wife's parents. Also its a problem if the son (knowing well and truly enough that his parents are causing trouble to his marriage) expects the wife to respect and maintain relationship with his paretns.
    As long as the relationship with such parents and son is isolated to them alone and not affecting the life of another woman(and her kids) just because she married this guy - I guess its manageable.
     
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  3. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Once a marriage takes place , the question of a relationship with only the son or daughter without it affecting the spouses does not arise. Either there will be negativity or a normal relationship. It cannot be considered an ideal solution with the son or daughter leading a separate life with their families , especially when kids are involved. The lessons learnt by the next generation also gets affected. However, when there are irreconcilable differences, there is no other go and couples do opt to stay away with little or no contact. we hence get to hear of all the abuse and neglect that the older generation face in recent times. For future generations, there is no problem, knowing the trend ,all elders (now middle aged or just beginning their careers) can beware and make sure they do not go out of their way to indulge their children beyond their capacities whether physical , emotional or financial. My reply may not be construed to mean i am speaking from personal experience. I am fortunate to be blessed with 2 wonderful sons and daughters in law and grandkids and by gods grace share a very pleasant relationship with all.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2019
  4. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    OP's case is something different. She had assisted her match in securing an emigration out of the 3rd to the 1st world. While she professes that it was done for altruistic reasons, apparently there'd been longer term mercantile expectations, in the form of payback from the recipient of that benefit. Hence the anguish.

    Married life, and how it evolves over time, and survives the introduction of children, and other infestations (with occasional flashes of joy), can be an arduous undertaking even without a lifelong reminder that one spouse had tossed a lifeline to another and the latter owes a lifelong debt to the former. When this reminder is invoked often enough to drive the partner up the wall, life cannot be peaceful -- with or without in-laws.

    Someone (woody allen?) had said "life is tough; and then you die". More often than not, this predcament, that is... the toughening of life, is usually self inflicted.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2019
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  5. Patientone

    Patientone Senior IL'ite

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    hi apologies if I have given you this idea. I’ve been misunderstood. I didn’t marry him because I wanted to give him a new life in the UK. It was just a thought about marrying in India generally but I fought it off.They (his family) seemed well off. It didn’t matter if they moved to the UK or not. I didn’t want to be a saviour and I’m not. I felt attracted to the guy and what I expect is a marriage built on good communication, loyalty and respect. None of this I brought you to the UK and now you owe me for life. I didn’t bring a slave. I don’t know how you can accuse me of wanting payback.
    That’s disgusting. I married an equal who I thought wanted the same. I didn’t expect anything from him. Can you clarify where have I stated that I brought him to the Uk and he has to have loyalty based on that? I’m not a machine and I think it’s disgusting you’re accusing me of such behaviour when clearly I’m in a vulnerable situation.
     
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  6. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    I’m in such a marriage and I’m still married to him. Only thing is I cut contacts with inlaws and cut expectations from my husband. There is no life in my marriage, I still crave for affection and love. True love.
     
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  7. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    When the noise of the joint-family members is filtered away, the marriage situation can become a simpler problem. The expectations between the spouses can be clearer, more specific, and quite transactional. May even be polite and respectful.
    Life used to be a zoo; now it is a museum. Enjoy the quiet, and plan for getting what you need.
     
  8. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    museum over zoo (actually circus) ANYDAY amulet!! ANYDAY!
    I was so miserable and stressed all the time. Atleast I have peace now.

    Tbh, my husband compromised a bit too. He doesn’t force me to interact with his parents. He turned off the money/gifts tap for them (his parents are well off and his sister is married and stable). We still give gifts to the kids and for rakhi etc, but money is set aside for my family too.
    In return for equality, he too got peace.

    Once we got inlaws out of the equation, my husband and I got into partnership. Something like a business partnership. We have good times, share a decent relationship, support each other’s careers, plan finances together, holidays etc, but that HUGE scar left behind by his mothers abuse is always present. I realised it’s impossible to forget. It’s impossible to give my husband a chance into my heart again, given how he behaved when his mother declared war on me. Cruelty. He perhaps tried or he is still trying to win my heart, but I can’t see.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2019
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  9. Patientone

    Patientone Senior IL'ite

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    I totally understand what you mean. That’s a good way to deal with it I guess.

    speaking of which...when I was with my in-laws...if we wanted to go out, my mother in law would either say ‘no don’t go there’ or insinuate that she wanted to come too...but majority of the time her words would be ‘no don’t go there go another time’. However, in my absence, has ‘allowed’ her son to go travelling with his friends freely whereas if I was there, he’d be tied up with a chain like a dog. He was not allowed to have fun with me. Why are some mother in laws so controlling and interfering. I just don’t understand. I wonder how she’d behave if her son was gay. Would these mother in laws behave the same way with their sons partner? Or is it because we’re women.
     
  10. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    here is an English show on BBC that explored that thought:
     

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