Can A Housewife Expect Help From Her Husband?

If you need help, it means you need help.
Your SAHM/Working woman status should not have anything to do with your request for help.
On the other side, take the spic and span cleaning a bit easy. Keep this hygienic. Clean is one thing. Hygienic is another.
Spend time for yourselves on a daily basis. At least 30 mins. Stop and drop every work and chill with a hot coffee. It helps. To me, it does.
You need to break your routine. No one but you can break the routine.
The expectation is set in a certain way for last 11 years. Now when you seek change, your H is finding out hard to cope with it.
Talk to him one weekend over a cup of tea. Tell him what you do and how your day goes in and what areas you need help with.
Explain to him things were different 11 years ago, when you were much active and did not have a kid. Now it's more responsibility and a little lesser energy levels.
Hope he gets the point. If not change yourself for your own good and health.

 

OP, I have been through this myself. I wasn't a SAHM but used to work part-time for a couple years to be able to give more time to my kid. DH would help with kid, but any help in kitchen, he didn't think he needed to help me there. And my DH is also not very organized like you mention, he would never clear mail and online ordered packages that arrive, leave his clothes on bed, remove socks after getting back from work which I have to take to the laundry basket and so on. And I am a neat freak too. So I would get mad each time he left all his stuff for me to take care of and he would say I can't stop nagging him and would storm off the scene. I think this difference in couples (one being organized and other not) is pretty common and I think in our case, the fights have not gone waste; he definitely has gotten better over the years.

I have thought this through over the years and I feel like Indian men are not brought up / trained to help women at home be it mom / wife. I just feel it's our Indian culture which is to blame here. From childhood, moms ask daughters to help but sons can watch TV with the dad on the couch. How is that fair? If we have sons, and if we train them to help us along with our daughters then we will be doing a huge favor to their future wives and I feel each one of us having a son shd do that.

In any case, answer to your questions: Yes, you are right in expecting help at home from him even though you are a SAHM, because an office job is 8 hrs x 5 days/week but a wife's job is 24hrs x 7 days a week!!!

 

Totally agree, apparently the women progressed and rest of the society and thought process stayed where it was and here we are left to deal with the consequences!

 

Agree a 100%. Problem is, men often behave exactly as they have been used to all along. From personal experience i have found that it is very difficult to change them. What you can try is not do the picking up after him on a trial basis. Let things lie as they are - at least the ones he is supposed to do himself like keeping his things in order and personal clothing etc. Overtime he may find it easier to become organised! Pointing out their mistakes - even if it is very justified - may not yield the desired result.
My husband is an extremely organised person when it comes to his personal items or even things around the house, because he was used to helping and doing things around the house from his school days. At the same time, he was extremely controlling when it came to finances, although I was a working woman throughout. This again I presume is due to the situation at his home at the time and seeing his family coping with frugal finances.
So, I suppose we cant have it all, but try to bring about change to the extent possible, understanding their nature.

 

Next time please ask him a question - At work , does he work alone or work in a team to accomplish his goals? Does he handle everything right from HR, finance, accounting to everything else in his own team or does he work with people around him ? If at work it's expected to work in a team , how can someone expect a person to work alone at home ? It's a team work at home too and everyone should be assigned tasks and duties as per their skills . My kids I know are capable enough of picking up their toys and putting them away so that's what they have been assigned to do . My DH I know is capable enough of few tasks around the house and that's what he does . I do not expect him to be as hygienic as me ( lost the battle ) but he has been assigned tasks as per his skills. He is also a great father who routinely gives my kids a good shower , puts them to bed , takes them to zoos and parks and several other things with kids that I think are chores but he enjoys it so I let him handle it .

Next time if he says you are useless, please leave the house to him for a weekend , go stay in a nice hotel , pamper yourself and let him handle all the cooking , cleaning and managing kids and their activities. One weekend will be enough for him to know whether a SAHM has a better life or person going to work .

Never ever let anyone belittle for who you are . If it wasn't for your sacrifice and commiment to stay at home and look after the kids ,which in my opinion is so much harder than going to work , he wouldn't be where he is today !

 

I will emphasize one particular aspect of mutual help. It is very much true that with changing times, husband and wife have to share the household work. Household works are routine, stereotype,often boring , but essential. There is always possibility of anger in managing the work. It is also a fact that unless a particular help is asked for, unilateral help sometimes invites more anger regarding the workmanship. If nothing is asked for for ego's sake, then also it can't be assumed that somebody will offer help. The emphasis here is how to ask for help. The wordings should be gentle, not authoritative. With smile, one should approach....it doesn't cost anything..but the impact is great. Whoever does the work shall be recognised by the other. The quality of job may not be good....but again it can be humbly pointed out so that it can be voluntarily done in a better way. Hence whatever may be the situation, the undercurrent should be that of 'love'....all differences can be democratically,amicably sorted out and there should not be any hidden resentment.

 

The rule in our home is that each one gets to choose a chore that he/she hates less and do it at a time that's convenient to them . Hubby enjoys grocery shopping while I don't , so he takes care of that. I do the dishes on weekdays while hubby is in charge on the weekends.
I am a neat freak while hubby is not, so I take care of things that bother me ( It takes more of my energy and time if I get into arguments ).
Try giving choices to the husband and see if there are chores he is willing to help with as a team. If he still will not help, let him take care of his own laundry , folding clothes, ironing ,packing his own lunch etc. Take trips to India on your own with the kids once in a while. Let him manage work and home by himself and realize how much you are contributing to his life.

 

Actually, this is my mom's opinion about my DH. I don't analyze it too much.