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Calling HELP from all arranged marriage ladies!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lovelife6, Jan 8, 2012.

  1. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Arranged/love - its very important to know what you are getting into.
    It is important to talk to the guy enough to understand his general take on life by itself, career, family, living, and blah blah blah... Too many red flags, and you know what you have to do... OTOH, its very important to meet too, because, its easier to lie over the phone than in person.. (well if a person wants to fake, he very well can during the entire courting period, to get what he wants) In general meeting in person, gives an extra edge!

    More than everything else, its your marriage, you who are going to live with that person for the rest of your life. Be strong and be grounded to what you want. Too much unnecessary pressure from parents for an AM cannot be taken. Take your time, and come to a good decision.
     
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  2. lovelife6

    lovelife6 New IL'ite

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    Thanks guys for all the pointers :)
     
  3. chandy939

    chandy939 Silver IL'ite

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    1.Do u talk with the guys before u say OK? I mean there is not a lot u can ask him and get to know in the few days .Or do u guys just say OK after seeing his pic? Meeting is out of question for me.Were ur parents OK with talking with prospective grooms over phone or chatting before telling yes and were they OK if u told "no i dont like the guy"- First parents spoke and then we exhanged our emails ids and on gtalk for about 1.5 months.Then we decided to meet at my house along with his family.It is always ok to Say No...while chatting or even after meeting!

    2.Though i spend a most of my life in India im a U.S Citizen so how do u know if a person is not marrying u just to come here?- This is tricky part.Tell the guy that you will be relocating to India after few years and see his reaction.

    3.So far i have just chatted only with one guy and he did not answer like the questions i asked.What do u take from that and moreover he said OK just by lookin at my picture- Follow ur instincts...if u didn't like his response move on.

    4.What if I like a guy and the horoscope dosent match ,though my parents never got married based on horoscope they insist that i do?- No idea how to handle this.

    5.Are u guys glad that u picked the person u married? Yes.Its probably the best decision of my life.
     
  4. chandy939

    chandy939 Silver IL'ite

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    Exactly my case.Mine was the first arrange marriage in 20 years.I cannot compare the "happiness" factor to those who had love marriage within my known circles.But the amount of tension and frustration is much less and relation is definitely much more mature and life is more organized.Touch wood!
     
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  5. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    The whole marriage idea is in itself a gamble, whether love ir arranged. You will read posts about couples not able to adjust even after knowing each other for yrs together. But yes, arranged marriages I feel is more like a screening, then 2 rounds of interview and then green or red signal. But yes, the more stages it passes, the tougher it is to withdraw in a tactful manner. So at each stage, you have to be careful and take your time to consider whether or not they are the right for you. In my case, both sides were eager to seal the deal once we okayed and set dates for engagement and wedding. So it is better to take your time before you say ok.

    When you meet and talk try to understand his goals iin life and a little bit of his attitude. How serious he is about life, career, friendship,relatonship etc,etc?

    As for the green card thing, it is better to chose someone who is as independent as you than second-guessing after marriage. Though you cant study and analyze the person , values are very important in a person(atleast according to me). Humour, looks, hobbies, wealth are all things which can be achieved even later on. They are like perks.

    Also, meet the parents of the guy. This is one thing we independent women dont look for these days but in reality these are the people who can have a role in how happy you married life will be. Dont underestimate their infuence. If you meet the family you can know abt what you are getting into or dont want to get into.
     
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  6. 2bkind

    2bkind Silver IL'ite

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    ..you are absolutely right .. I had a 100% arranged marriage and when I met the guy I met his whole family ( Parents, Brother, Cosister and their Kids) ... It really gives you an idea of how you will fit into their family.. and I must say I was really impressed with my In laws the first time I met them...:)
    I had a fixed set of parameters which I had given to my parents and they found guys matching to those norms only then I met the guy with his family... My DH was the 2nd guy I met and though I was not 100% sure about my decision 7 years ago... with hind sight I tell you it was the best decision I made (with a little nudging from my parents in the right direction) ;-)..All the Best
     
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  7. Toffee

    Toffee New IL'ite

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    I am sharing my personal experience..

    I'm lucky to have parents who are very understanding and open minded. Even though they searched for alliances, they had given me the choice to make the final decision. I had just turned 25 when my parents got to know about this particular alliance through BharatMatrimony. The guy had done his Masters in the US and was working there. They first showed me his photos to know whether I would be interested or not. After I said ok, they responded to him online. They spoke to his parents on the phone (just a casual conversation to exchange each other’s details, family background, horoscopes, etc.) Also, both sides were ok with the guy and girl exchanging email and talking on the phone.

    After that, the guy contacted me through email and we began chatting on Gtalk and then the phone calls started. We spoke to each other for hours together. The conversation was very casual and friendly. Both of us made it very clear from the beginning that neither of us should feel dejected if this does not workout. This helped us have a very open minded and unbiased conversation. We spoke about our likes/dislikes, interests, qualities that we look forward to in our future spouse, career aspirations, etc. We even had webcam chats once in awhile. We genuinely made an effort to get to know each other.

    One cleverthing which my spouse did at that point of time was, he told me he would be returning back to India permanently in a year and he had no plans to settle down in the US. I guess he was testing me whether I was interested in him or about living in US. Anyways, I said that didn't matter to me at all as I wanted to stay in India close to family and friends. It took us about a month and half to come to a decision and it was "POSITIVE" :) We got engaged a month after this.

    Both the guy andI were not too keen on the horoscopes. We had decided earlier on during our conversations that if we really like each other and if at all our horoscopes don't match, then we would do everything to convince our parents into getting us married. Luckily, our horoscopes matched and we didn't have go anything. :-D

    YES! I think I made the best decision of my life by choosing this guy. I wouldn't say our marriage is "perfect". We do have our fights/arguments like any other couple and even I feel irritated with my MiL (who doesn't?) Bottom-line is we both know that the other person has a good heart, genuinely cares and respects you. That's all that matters…

    I think it’s most important to feel comfortable being yourself while talking to a guy. Only then the conversation will flow smoothly. I feel it’s better to first chat with a guy online before talking on the phone as you would at least get to know whether your likes and interests match with the guy or not, is there compatibility or not. If you feel comfortable then you can go to the next level and talk to him over the phone. Don’t be pressurized to make a decision. Take your own time. Trust your instincts. If you don’t like the guy, say NO.

    All the best!
     
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  8. AnanyaAjay

    AnanyaAjay Silver IL'ite

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    I had an arranged marriage too...

    Before saying yes, you be firm to your mom and tell her that without speaking to him i can't say yes or no. She will understand and let u talk. Then u have to say all that you have to say to him in the first meet itself. (Meeting is better than chat or phone).. Coz they will carry thoughts in their minds after u meet... Most people will think that you have accepted thats why you want to meet. So make it sure that u mention to him that "I thought we would talk for sometime before taking any decision"

    Think thoroughly what you want to speak and get clarifications. ONE THING IS FOR SURE, NO ONE IS PERFECT SO DON"T EXPECT 100%.

    In arranged marriages, we will have to adjust a lot after marriage which we will not come to know before. We will realise it only after u get married.

    I think if your parents married without matching horoscopes, they will agree fro you also.

    I am happy that I spoke to him before I said yes, I came to know his true feelings and I am glad that I said yes. :) . Though we will have some problems (ALL WILL HAVE) true love never lets us continue the fight for long.
    There is a saying in Kannada "Ganda hendira jagala undu malaguva tanaka" meaning The fight of husband and wife is only til they eat and sleep.. (LAter they wont fight :)

    AL THE BEST TO YOU and hope you find a good one soon :)

    ALL THE BEST!!!
     
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  9. nandita24

    nandita24 Gold IL'ite

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    Exactly what it is particularly these days. Times have changed but we continue with our old mindset. Then all these conflicting questions arise. So it's a gamble and one must solve this only through intuition.

    Read Shakti Gawain's famous book "Creative Visualization" to attract the right person into your life. I have seen this happen in quite a few cases among my friends and relatives.

    Best Wishes

    Nandita :)
     
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  10. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Talk to the guy and check what his career aspirations are.. If he is hiding something or gives a bad answer like life just goes then please ignore him.. a guy who wants to be secretive can never be trusted ..No offence..its my personal experience.
     

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