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Calling HELP from all arranged marriage ladies!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lovelife6, Jan 8, 2012.

  1. lovelife6

    lovelife6 New IL'ite

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    Hey guys,
    Im 27 yrs old and my parents have been searching alliances for me.Here's what i want to know.

    1.Do u talk with the guys before u say OK? I mean there is not a lot u can ask him and get to know in the few days .Or do u guys just say OK after seeing his pic? Meeting is out of question for me.Were ur parents OK with talking with prospective grooms over phone or chatting before telling yes and were they OK if u told "no i dont like the guy".My mum is so orthodox that she thinks i have to say YES before i can talk with the guy.Is that kinda normal?

    2.Though i spend a most of my life in India im a U.S Citizen so how do u know if a person is not marrying u just to come here?

    3.So far i have just chatted only with one guy and he did not answer like the questions i asked.What do u take from that and moreover he said OK just by lookin at my picture.

    4.What if I like a guy and the horoscope dosent match ,though my parents never got married based on horoscope they insist that i do?

    5.Are u guys glad that u picked the person u married?

    Sometimes i just fell like I dont know what I'm getting into:hide:.I would appreciate ur input.TIA!!!
     
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  2. praneeth76

    praneeth76 Silver IL'ite

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    i'm a guy..i hope u would take my input..
    1. mine was an pure arranged marriage. we chatted through phone thrice and few sms daily..she(dw) was the only girl i saw..i liked her...marriage and engagement took in a span of less than a month..
    2. i don't know to answer ur second question.
    3. spend some time know about each other...u have to ask all ur questions..may sure the guy is upto exceptatiosn...looks will change..don't go by looks....i hope u may have certain exceptations from a guy..make sure he meet ur expectations..u can afforad to make adjustments..
    4. if u belive horsocope, u should go by horoscope...if u like a guy and feel confident, horoscope doesn't match...u can go for the guy..atlast u should be mentally preapred to make take up's and down's....
    5. my marriage is just an year old...eariler part was horrible...but once i entered Il, i'm happy now..u can go through my posts....i feel that i didn't give enough time to understand her before marriage,,,,
    ARRANGED MARRIAGE IS A GAMBLE....WHEN IT COMES OFF,IT LOOKS GOOD, WHEN IT DOSN'T..U HAVE TO TAKE SOME EFFORTS TO MAKE MARRIAGE WORK...
    I WISH U GET A GOOD GUY AND LEAD A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE...
     
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  3. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    ..........................
     
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  4. beanstalk

    beanstalk Gold IL'ite

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    hi,

    I am a married women who tied up the knot in a 100% arranged marriage. To begin with I have been married for over 6 years and very happy and contented in this marriage.
    One word of caution you are talking about a very important decision of your life. DO not give the responsibility completely in somebody else's hands because you are the one who will have to live this new relationship. Its perfectly acceptable to have expectations.
    To answer your questions...

    1. Me and hubby were engaged for over 8 months. I think its extremely important for a relationship before marriage to be atleast 6 months long. We had seen each other's pic, and we talked in detail before we got married. He could not come to meet me though I chatted for a long time with his parents and him on phone. Later we were constantly in contact and called each other every day and talked for hours. We knew everything there was about each other. Some things were nice to know and others were hard to digest. There might be a few things that were not told, but that can happen in love marriage as well. When we met 3 days before our marriage, he came to meet me and I could not recognize him until he called my name and suddenly I was so comfortable like i knew him for years. Just because it is an arranged marriage it does not mean that you cannot talk to him. You need to spend time with him to understand him and judge whether the potential marriage will work or not. Its your life and its a very important decision. Take a stand and let your parents know about your expectations and that you need to communicate with future groom before taking a rushed decision.

    2. There is no guarantee to whether somebody is using you or not. But here is my question in return, for all the girls who marry guys located in US, are they not taking advantage of the guy. or the girls who marry a well settled man, not taking advantage of them. He is going to be your husband so if you can make something easier for him, whats the harm? I married a US citizen and that was a plus for him over some other guys but it does not mean that I would have married a dud and choose to be in a horrendous relationship just to become a US citizen.

    3. One chat is not enough and you need to communicate more with the guy. And the first conversation is a bit awkward anyhow. Keep in touch and see how it goes. He likes you from your photo. Take it as a compliment. He might know about your background and thinks he is making a good decision. Dont take it otherwise. He is goignt hrough same restriction and conservations as you are being an Indian. Let him know you want to know more of each other before a decision. once agian this is one of the biggest decisions of your life and you should have a big input in this. Let your family know firmly about this.

    4. Matching horoscopes is a personal preference. I personally dont believbe in them and nether do you have to. But if you have any qualms about it, there is no harm in doing so. But if you dont, and you really like a guy your parents are letting go for this reason, say so.

    5. Yes, I am extremely happy with my decision. My bro-in-law has a love marriage and so do a lot of people in my family and I can guarantee that my marriage is much more happier than theirs. We love each other. I credit this to our maturity and our wise decision to spend time knowing each other rather than a high on emotion love story or a long friendship turned to marriage. We are more like friends with mature attitud.
     
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  5. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Lovelife. This is your life. You are going to live with the person whom you marry for next 50-60 years. Keep that in mind
    1)You should definetely talk & get comfortable before saying Yes. What if you guys have pole of diffrences in your expectations. Better to get them cleared.If your mom doesn't want to meet the prospective groom convience her before proceeding to search allainces.

    2) That's why it's important to talk to a person, atleast learn what his intentions are. He may not reveal it directly. But atleast you should act from your end.

    3)Leave that guy & move on. Don't say Yes till you are satisfied

    4)Depends on guy's family too. But still check the profile first, match the horoscope, then start interacting with the guy.

    5)NA

    I think it's time you get serious about marriage. Make a list of your expectaions. Communicate it with your parents.Please make sure you are comfortable with the guy before saying Yes
     
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  6. godsgp

    godsgp Bronze IL'ite

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    My answers to your questions:

    1. Even if any of your parents is orthodox,to say yes before talking to the boy is absolutely not advisable.
    I mean ,we don't even make friends like that and here this is a person whom we are supposed to spend our life with.
    If you are not allowed for a chatting period of weeks ,you should atleast try to get in touch for few days and if not much talk about the issues that are critical to you.See if your viewpoints match on important points.
    I'll make another advice ,that during your period of early interaction ,be as technical and sane as you can be and take a decision keeping all the positives and negatives in mind.

    2.That makes you doubly vulnerable.I may sound a bit straightforward ,but take utmost care in this regard.
    Without doubt ,there are men who look for US citizens to secure their future(and vice versa too)

    3.Good that you rejected him.The one who does not even care to meet and talk to you before agreeing to getting married ,might be getting married for the sake of getting married.

    4.I am unable to answer that because horoscope matching doesn't play any role in alliances in our family.

    5. I am glad I married this person but I am happier still that I made sincere efforts to make my marriage work.
    No marriage(arranged or love) with the perfect or not so perfect is a happy marriage unless and until efforts are put,tempers controls,reactions intervened and a few compromises made.
    So be ready for the most beautiful and the most challenging relationship of your life.

    All the best and God bless you.
     
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  7. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Even I had a 100% arranged marriage, my parents showed me his picture and started to proceed further even before they got a proper nod from me, they decided everything on behalf of me as they felt that the groom was perfect, had a secured job, an own house and only son except for his parents has no other responsibilities on his shoulders.

    But this is not all enuf, you have to know more than this, what kind of guy he is ? his character, his body language... many more things and the most important is his family as you have to deal with them to ..

    Though I am happy with my DH now and realized my parents choice was not wrong after all... but my life was not full of roses in my initial days, MIL was a terror and very possessive of her only son, she wanted to see her son happy but not with me.. she scorned when she saw us have great relationship.. my DH did his best to please her that was because he didn't know how to balance between me and his mom, here again I was the scapegoat , MIL passed away last year i.e 15 years after my marriage it was a natural death and now my DH is very open to show his love...

    My DH is extremely nice person, he loves me and my DD to the core, he loves to spend his time with us, he arranges holidays and outings ... but do yu think I had to sacrifice my precious 15 years for this happiness?

    Though I am happy now, but I always have the feel that my DH should have been more bold to take my side when his mom was alive, after all I only asked him to do justice to both his mom and me... but he took his mom's side even though he knew she is 100% wrong.

    I am not trying to confuse you, but you have to get his intentions clear, u know what I mean?
     
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  8. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

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    Mine was a 100% arranged marriage....but i made clear to my parents that i wouldnt say "yes" immediately. We couldnt talk to each other in our first meeting....but the next day we met outside when I told him i needed time to think because i was only 22 and didnt want to rush which he also agreed. We "dated" for 2 months before we knew this was it and got engaged. Our marriage was fixed for 3 months later. So roughly i had 5 months to know him. I am happily married for 17 years now....

    1. Now coming to your questions - I think mostly it is instinctive - knowing whether you can get along with the guy or not. Saying "YES" on the basis of a pic is totally unacceptable - insist on meeting before you commit...if the guy lives away from your country and you cannot meet him personally - insist on a video chat atleast.

    2. There is no way of actually knowing if the guy is using you - you will again have to rely on your instincts and gut feeling - when you talk to him generally about his plans, long term goals etc you will get an idea.

    3. Some girls/guys say ok on the basis of a pic when they feel they are "ready" for marriage or it is the right thing to do.. and not really care who they get married to... in such a case, it would be upto you to insist on a chat before committing.

    4. Matching horoscopes depend on the family / individuals - if you like the guy and the guy likes you then it is upto you too to stand up to your family and convince them irrespective of whether the horoscope matches or not.

    5. YEs.. i am happy and wouldnt change him for the world although like every relationship there are rough patches now and then which we sail through together....he is my buddy and love!

    Finally, this is your life, so enter into marriage only when you are completely sure and dont give into pressure. Dont be hasty and overlook the voice of your instincts.
     
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  9. lovelife6

    lovelife6 New IL'ite

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    Praneeth, Did read ur post and im glad that u stayed to work ur marriage.congrats!!!
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2012
  10. lovelife6

    lovelife6 New IL'ite

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    beanstalk how long did u talk before u were engaged?
     

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