Broken Relationships And Guilt, What Would You Do?

Hi Everyone,

I have been thinking for a long time of opening up my heart about our family issue on IL, but have been putting it off. But, today I am finally doing it in the hope that I can get some unbiased opinions from some of you. Pls share your thoughts

Me, DH and our daughter live in the US. We have been married for over 9 years now. My relationship with my husband's family has been rocky from start. My SIL lives with her family in a different state here in US and visited us last summer with her kids. We and our daughter had a good time with them earlier summer, so we invited them again to visit us. One of the days when my husband was at work, she casually brought up the topic of my relations with her parents (my in laws) and that we should invite them over and have them stay with us for 2-3 months.

A little background about my relations with my in laws: Me and my in laws just never connected or got along because of extreme differences in our thinking, way of living, they being extremely clingy about their son, they being very conservative and traditional, whereas I was all of the opposite. So, we would have lot of differences and fights when me and DH visited India even for a couple of weeks. So, in spite of the thought of inviting them over for a visit comes to my mind frequently, DH does not think that it is a good idea as we can hardly get along for even a few days forget about a month or two. We do not want to make things any worse than they already are.

So, going back to my SIL's suggestion, I explained to her everything (she knows quite a bit , but from my in laws perspective since they maybe telling her everything) and said that we refrain from inviting them over as there was a high chance of fights and things getting worse and we do not want to cause them mental trauma and spoil the relationship completely. The topic ended there for the day, but next day she brought up the same thing and started talking about her own situation about how she and her husband realize that it is their responsibility to take care of their parents. Now all this while up until that point she talked bad about her MIL to us as she does not get along with her MIL, but their in laws live with her but they have daily fights and she is quite unhappy. I was upset and told her all situations are different and that we should not compare and that we don't want to break the relationship by inviting them over and end up in bigger trouble and making it a living hell for them and us. All this discussion got quite ugly and she stopped talking to me. The silent treatment lasted for 2 days, she would not eat, would not talk to me and stayed in the basement to avoid me. I told DH about all this and he kept telling me that he would talk to her, but DH has trouble communicating with his parents and sisters as he does not want to ever hurt them or tell them anything. This is one the reasons my relationship got worse with in laws as I would always have to be the 'bad one' and would have to stand up for myself. In the end, I lost my patience with all the silent treatment and no talking and had an emotional outburst and told her angrily that if she came here she had to treat me nicely, the same way she did her brother. And that if she did not know how to behave with me at her brother's home, then they should not come back again. She got very upset after this and we had a big fight!! Hubby came back home and had both of us compromise and we apologized to each other after a long discussion and lot of pain and hurt. Things were peaceful after that and we even went to Canada for a trip, though our mood was killed for sure.

She went back home; it was all peaceful after that fight but we knew in our heads that the relationship was broken beyond repair. She told her parents (my in laws) about everything. When my husband called his parents a few days later (like he normally does), they fought with my husband and basically told him that he had failed in his ultimate responsibility to ensure that everything went well at our house on the visit. My husband explained everything to them but they wouldn't agree. Things got worse after that as my DH's calls were cold and my in laws were non-responsive even to him. Since then I apologized to my SIL as I was feeling very bad about things going down the drain on her visit to our place and because of me. I also feel that now in laws and my SIL hate me more than ever. I have been attempting to talk to my in laws and his family by literally jumping into my husband's phone calls with them and saying hi to them, in an effort to make things slightly smoother. They do not respond well to me, they almost ignore me or are mostly non-responsive. Pls note we were not talking much before, but things were neutral between us. I am making this extra effort, so at least they don't hate me. I am fine with a neutral relationship, what I cannot accept is hatred from others because I am not hate worthy for sure. So, here we stand, with things much worse than ever and me believing in my heart that I may have done something that is unforgivable for them to treat me like this. I am not sure what to do. DH understands all this and asks me not to make any attempts as he thinks things are not going to change. I am very emotional and have been dwelling upon this issue and continue to feel guilty and confused about the whole thing. Whereas hubby says " forget about it and move on with your life , he says you can't win everyone and you should just learn to live your own life. He says even if they hate you, so what, move on!".

What would you do if in my situation? How do I convince myself to move on with my life and stop brooding about who was right, who was wrong and judging myself over and over again and playing the same stuff over and over in my head again?

 

Sorry for the long post, but I had to describe everything to put things in perspective, thank you for your patience!

 

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this post and sharing your views with me. I feel much better hearing your perspective / points of view on this situation as sometimes all we need is a fresh perspective / new ideas to deal with the same problem. I will be taking all your suggestions and using them constructively. You all are such a great support group!

 

I agree Deepa. I loved your sentence 'A person cannot get along well with every person on earth, if they have, then , they have not been themselves.' This is so true. I get each and everything you said, will definitely keep it in my mind.