Bitterness In Marriage After Infidelity

Dejavu? I just replied to a very similar thread.

 

What have you done during the year since you found that out ? The information could be useful to the other thread that @Rakhii refers to..

 

The Condoms... if you were thinking rationally.... you'd have thought ....well... at least he was being safe, and did not bring home any diseases and pass it on to you. Instead of starting quarrels, you'd have gently asked him to get to a thorough medical exam, including HIV testing.

Anyhow... if you can afford it, it is best that you leave and make a separate life for yourself. If you cannot afford it, then I'd recommend that you be patient, and not be quick to quarrels. After all, what's the point ? You can leave when it is the right time for you.

 

A very tough situation to be in. Hugs to you. It is not easy to forgive or forget an EMA at that level. Ask him to do an STD/HIV test. Did you ask him why he went to another women. What was missing in your marriage. Ask your husband; Is it OK if you do the same. The truth is he used you as a service provider while he had fun with another woman. Don't believe in his explanations.

I dont know what to say as you are working together after the unfortunate event. It is quite natural to go back in time . Let him go on with his silent approach now. Dont care a bit. But you dont have to go with silent mode, use his help wherever needed. Just talk as usual if needed and behave normal. Do minimum. No service as a wife if he is so adamant. Give time for you and him to come back to the recovery mode. You have to show him you can be independent and happy without him through your confidence.

Focus on you and kids. Don't chase him. Let him chase you. Take your own time to decide what to do, continue like this or separate. Look like you are suffering a lot. From whatever I read in IL_forum ( please check), I think it take time to recover from this shock. Are you dependent on him? Is it possible for you to try counselling for yourself. May be that give you clarity in your thoughts and may give some courage & direction on how to proceed.

 

He is finding a reason , very typical one like any cheater, in this situation. If he has any complaints he should have to tell you as a loving dh instead of going for EMA. You were busy with kids,home and job. He could have helped you with those to find some quality time & work together. Instead what he did? It indicates lack of love, respect and sincerity.
Did she gave him everything, except sex? Your sexlife was normal. He used an opportunity that came in his way. Cheaters will find many reasons like this. Dont believe it. It's his problem that he did it. It's not your fault. He wanted to stray and he did. Nothing else. Good that he accepted his mistake. But dont protect him. His name and fame is his responsibility. Please read similar posts in ILforum,that may give you a better idea on how to help yourself.

Ask him how can he be a good role model to his kids. Be very honest to him on how you feels and struggles to be normal. Tell him if he wants to work on marriage and if he wants you,he needs to help you to heal emotionally from this scar. Dont allow him to make you struggle alone. It's his responsibility to help you to come out. Update him and inform him how his behavior is moving you back to square one. He has to work really well instead of handing over the responsibility to you alone. You need lot of emotional support and assurance to come out.

Hope counseling helps. Build your self confidence and esteem back. Focus on you. Love yourself.

 

Unfortunately it’s raining EMA’s on Indusladies this week. Rakhi had some good suggestions in the other thread if you already have not read them.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is completely normal for you to react the way you did. Intimacy is something very sacred between a couple. For him to have shared this with someone else is definitely hurtful.

I agree with @DDream here . You don’t have to apologize . Wait for him to come to you. The damage done runs very deep and needs a lot of healing. He owes you that time. You had a temporary bandaid for the last one year but the deep wounds need to be addressed .

There are two things you should do. Give this marriage one more chance. Once he apologizes ( hopefully he will) tell him that you do want to give this a chance and most of the burden lies on him. He has to be supportive, honest and give you time. Depending on his behavior you can decide how you want to proceed.

The second part of healing comes from you. Therapy, meditation and anything else. Invest your precious time on yourself.

An EMA tips the balance of “power” in the marriage towards the non cheating spouse. This can make marriage tricky but you have work with it.
Your husband has to give you lifetime access to his phone and other accounts. There are no two ways about it.

You deserve a tight hug and lots of reassurance that things will be well.

 

]he said he was trying to tell me but didn't have the guts and that he was thinking that after i come to know i will pack my bags & take kids with me( i have 2 kids) & leave him.)

So he thought you will leave, take children with you and he will be a free bird to carry on with his affair. The man has guts to say it. And here you are trying to patch up with him.