1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Bil And Co-sis Coming Home.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Jun 2, 2016.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    As you all know that my past with in laws were not at all good. However, after so much of adjustment from both ends, we are now patched up. We respect each others borders, and learnt to ignore if anything provocative.
    This way, we are leading a very peaceful, supportive and a good relationship.
    My in laws are a great grand-parents to my kids, and obviously a good parents to my husband. So, their relationship with me is not important. But I am sure they did respect me, and have some genuine care on me as a DIL/fellow human being.

    I am the eldest DIL in the family. Even though I am the eldest, it is my second co-sis (who is MIL's niece anyway) shares a good bond with in laws, and lives at their home as a daughter. However, she too has her dark times with MIL - which I am not interested to learn.
    I have no qualm at this. I live as a neighbor to them. My co-sis is a good human being, and BIL has changed to a good person only after marrying her.

    I have a 3rd BIL who has married 1 year back. He has been living in UK since the past 10 years. His bride too a UK citizen, but a distant relative of MIL. She and her family has migrated when she was 13 years old.
    She was cool since the time this proposal came up. She befriended with me in social media, and then contacted me often. She maintained this even after their marriage.
    She said that she is a straight forward person, speaks blunt, and never bend for anything. She was too proud about herself etc...
    At that time, I thought she is not at all matching to in laws family. Because the other co-sis is too naive and silent type. That's why she is coping up.
    Yet, i did not utter any word about it.

    This UK co-sis went on to speak about our love marriage, the problems we may have faced etc... and shared her family history etc..etc... and clearly stated several times that she can never take any abuse or insult from anyone after marriage like other DILs.
    I did not share my bitter past with her, but I would say how adjustments are needed, and how much I have changed from being a strong woman to a family woman now.
    They were pleasant contacts then.


    Its been 10 months since she spoke to me over the phone. In the mean time, I've tried once or twice, but no answer. I've tried to send a few whatsapp messages but in vain.
    I see her active in FB, so I would just ping her there too. But she would always say that she is busy, at work, or going out. Everytime she would say..."ill call you back" but never once called me.

    In the past 10 months, its been max 5-6 times in total that I have initiated to contact her. That too with long intervals. But I can clearly see that she is avoiding me.

    I know they speak to MIL during every weekend, and the skype calls. Not sure whether co-sis is part of it.
    BIL communicates with my H on and off.. But speaks with me only during birthdays, festivals etc..
    Not sure how is their relationship with the other BIL's family.

    Now that this BIL and co-sis are coming to home tomorrow to spend 1 month holiday. They will be staying at in laws house during the vacation. Hopefully, they all (in laws, other BIL family and the visitors) will go on vacation trips, and pilgrimage during this time.
    Since we are their neighbors, we will be expected to host them for a day or two and treat them with special invitations.
    Also, they will expect us to join them in the trips too.

    Since I work, and busy with kid's school etc... I have nothing much to be worried here. But I too don't wanna look odd or avoiding them. Given the fact that I had a bitter past in mingling with in laws, I don't wanna be left out completely either.

    Any suggestions????
     
    Loading...

  2. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    737
    Likes Received:
    692
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    You can take first few days easy with no pre-conceived notions and silently judge her behaviour. As you'll be meeting often in this 1 month, you'll get better idea how she is with you and other people. Be very normal and welcoming first without being sub-servient. But if she has some problem with you, it'll come out in was of words/actions in due time. You can take a call later on about that, if at all it happens!
     
    sindmani, songbird46 and SGBV like this.
  3. maddysweet

    maddysweet Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    203
    Likes Received:
    141
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    @ SGBV ,

    It completely depends on how you can handle your emotions when you meet them.
    You initiated 5-6 times talks means lot. that shows you were kind of becoming friend to her. She avoided you which is definitely insult to you.
    The reason for it is in-laws got to know through your BIL, that you both are talking.
    In-laws told son to restrict wife talking to you and he told wife, she stopped.
    she would have thought why unnecessary tensions.
    However i wonder she dont have her own opinion and behaving as per MIL, husband instructions.

    My husband never told me not to talk someone in his family. he did express oh be careful when talking to cousin who was not in good terms. but never told me to stop.

    If i were you, i would express to my husband and be upset with in-laws little bit. also will be avoiding co-sis and dont visit them much during the trip. well i am a person who thinks, we are not here to please everyone. Inside if am not feeling good then i cannot hide it outside. we should respect ourselves then only the other people will do. You deserve it being elder DIL.
    Also imagine, Everyone knows what they did and you behaving normal is only proving that you agree you were not the right person to talk. when there is no trust then no meaning of family relations. you should just meet once and say hello bye. You can just tell hubby that co-sis didnt respond to your messages so you dont have much friendship so not talking. You dont need to express your doubt on MIL, BIL but just say the girl was not friendly.

    But am sure you will find fault in my suggestion and may be nice to her as usual behaving as if nothing wrong happened.
    similar situation happened to me where my SIL restricted her kids talking to me, i am not going to be normal with them again in my life. Coz if they didnt trust me then whats the meaning of family and being together. Kids tried to talk secretly which i dint want.

     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
    SGBV likes this.
  4. livingitup

    livingitup Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    36
    Trophy Points:
    38
    I would recommend, that you host them at your home, but refrain from joining them on trips, as you seem to be uncomfortable.. You can observe now and may be join them when they visit again in the future.. if all is well...
     
    sindmani, shobhamma, SGBV and 3 others like this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Does she snore, have body odor, rashes, or other dirty U.K. habits like not brushing teeth? :sunglasses: Will you have to share a room?:blush:

    j/k.

    Take it as it comes. You did try a bit too much to keep in touch, could have dropped the efforts after she gave a hint. Most likely, she would want to keep it casual and not highlight that she was avoiding you. Lightly invite them, make a comment that you want to book a certain weekend from their busy schedule... Joining in-laws on trip.. go for 1 maybe, and husband can go for more.

    Brunch is easier to host than dinner...

    Have your mom around when you host them.. more people means less you have to directly talk with her.

    Actual trips are different than interactions over phone/social media. Maybe you'll end up with a better relationship after all.
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,469
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    SGBV,

    don't make this as personal.Just do things as formal and for your husbnad sake and sanity.
    If she is goody-goody then just be little goody.If she acts formal and just be formal.But don't expect anything out of it.It takes a while for new DIL to adjust in family and to play a mature role.So,don't read into her too much not expect much out of it.If you think kids will enjoy to go to places or if you need to do for your husband sake,then join some trips and avoid some.But don't think about her much.It takes a lot of time for your to know about her better.Just wait until then.
     
    sindmani and SGBV like this.
  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,327
    Likes Received:
    1,508
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    OP, Seeing you went a step ahead to initiate contacts with co sis and she snubbed you, you can just be casual with her. Don't be cornered with talks about in laws. I think your co sis had an idea that you will talk about how she doesn't like to be dominated to your in laws. What transpired after nobody knows but I have a feeling her feelings weren't reciprocated as she wanted so the gradual cut off. Dont be in situations where you are alone with her and she can paint her own picture with what happened. Have her with you when your hubby and your BIL are present.Trips enjoy by yourself with kids if invited. Don't drop if invited to holiday plans becoz of her . Otherwise you will end up being called out on spoiling plans and that will give her an unfair advantage. Good Luck.
     
    sindmani and SGBV like this.
  8. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    482
    Likes Received:
    767
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    HI I think you play it by ear. See how she is towards you and go based on that. I would arrange a time that is convenient with you for a visit and have a lot of people around. If they don't make great efforts during the year then i would not drop everything and go out of station with them. Organize a dinner or lunch and leave it at that. If she is super nice or really friendly then change behaviour according to that. But you have made enough efforts on your part. As well I always keep a boundary around myself where I try not to go overboard on anything with in laws in order to protect myself from getting hurt.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  9. Lxcxxz

    Lxcxxz Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    31
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Out of interest what is the age gap between you? I don't really have much in common with my sil & it shows. Our Phone calls are awkward and so we try to keep things polite but formal. Maybe it's something as simple as her having more to talk about with your other sil?

    You shouldn't take it to heart. When they come to visit, be polite & friendly, but don't get too involved. Let them arrange their own trips/itinerary etc.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you all for the replies. I am still stuck at work, whereas my H went to pick up both of them from the airport.

    The age gap between us is just 5 years. But we belong to the same group. Just that I have got married little earlier than her, so I have 2 kids. She and the other co-sis do not have kids yet. So, they might probably see me as an old momma, with a baggage for kids. Whereas they are just the newly wedded couple, still.

    She was initiating all the contacts first. In fact, she would talk way too much, and quite often with me in the past before she was married. That was when she was engaged with my BIL. Then suddenly after the marriage, everything stopped.
    I've just initiated the contacts on special days like Diwali, their wedding anniversary, their birthday etc... That were the 5-6 times.
    But the response were just plan and one worded.
    There seem to be no interest to know anything about us.

    I know my MIL is a biggest manipulator. This BIL is her most fav child, and she can do anything with him.
    She must have known that I was interacting with this co-sis before, as co-sis shared most of her pics to me first, so that I've shared them with in laws.
    May be she must have decided not to continue this further. Perhaps used BIL for this.
    No matter what, I am not upset for this. As I can't take in laws people to my heart anyway.

    @Rihana
    She is not smelling.... I am much interested about how she thinks about me. Coz my personality is the same, but the attitude depends on who she is.

    @maddysweet
    I am not upset about this at all. Not even taking this to my heart. Just preparing myself, as they are coming to my home and gonna stay a few days here. I must know what to expect and what to give.

    @chocolate
    You are right. In all the past communication, she was provoking me to speak something about in laws. She was like how didn't you had any problems with MIL despite of your differences? How did you adjust with this and that.
    But I didn't want to continue the talks in that direction, as I have almost forgiven them, and never wanted to bring that bad memories again.
    Not sure what was running in MIL's mind knowing that I am speaking with her new DIL.
    Yes, as you rightly said she must be feeling less interested to share nothing about in laws despite being the DILs of the same family.

    I hope our actual meetings will be more fruitful, as we have seriously nothing against each other.
     
    sindmani and Rihana like this.

Share This Page