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Bf Parents Are Visiting

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Cantdecide, Feb 7, 2017.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    The guy informs you that the parents are the type who expect dowry(as an entitled payback for raising the child with the p***s) and that they also expect the dil to respect them by touching their feet....and he expects you to respect these parents.(even if you don't give dowry...just the thought that they are entitled dowry seekers makes them not worthy of respect )
    :smirk:
     
    SunPa and abla like this.
  2. Cantdecide

    Cantdecide Silver IL'ite

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    Sigh, I think one of two times he saw me throw a fit is when he mentioned the feet touching. I just said NO WAY!! He said that is concerning and will cause some issue, but he can accept it. The feet touching is not just his parents, but all of his elder relatives. Again, I said no way!!! I actually said I was shocked he still did it and I couldn't fathom it. As I said, his family is very traditional. It causes me a lot of stress for the future lol

    As for the dowry - I earn as much salary as he does, and will be making more starting this year probably and ongoing. There is no way shape or form that any exchange of a dowry will ever take place, ever. Also his parents educated him and his sister equally, so I don't see why there would be anything to "pay back."
     
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Just google dowry deaths in India and dowry harassment of women in India .
    Even with tough dowry laws thousands of women are killed for not getting enough dowry to satisfy the husband and in laws.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Then why do you think they expected dowry from the first one and why your bf can't sort it out with them (even after knowing how the dowry spoilt things in the first marriage) instead of telling you about their expectations.He should have warned them against their shameless expectations.
     
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  5. Cantdecide

    Cantdecide Silver IL'ite

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    I think he was trying to show that he thinks very differently from them. Like "they" still want a dowry, but "I" don't think it's right. He says he can't control how they think, and can't make them change, but it doesn't mean he agrees with them on this issue. Some other things he does agree with them obviously. I think they wanted dowry because that was "tradition" and at the time I do think his parents thought his ex wife didn't have anything and their son would support her financially, etc. Instead she came out here, got a job, and then left the marriage.
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    But still thinks they deserve to be respected by touching their feet....no matter what their views and expectations are?
    Hypocrisy much???
     
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  7. Cantdecide

    Cantdecide Silver IL'ite

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    Yeah that's why I also told him no way - he was saying in Indian culture elders are given respect automatically no matter what. I tell him, ok in my culture respect is earned, and I probably have done more that would be respectable than many people who just happen to be older than me. He likes to make people happy. In general, conflict is hard for him. So to him, it's not a big deal to do it if it makes them happy.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Approach these expectations with a little calculation. Is the goodwill lost in refusing to follow that practice worth it. It will go down in the list as one thing he/they accommodated you for.

    If you guys are not living with his parents, and interaction with elder relatives is limited to when you visit them or they visit you, then, just go with the flow for this touching the feet thing. If he also doesn't touch, it will be "firangi bahu corrupted our sweet boy". If he touches, but you don't, it will look very very odd and rude. And quite simply out of place. Imagine you both standing together and only he touching somebody's feet.

    I would say given that you know some Hindi, can make biriyani, add this feet touching to your repertoire. Then they can brag to the log of the log kya kahenge* fame that see what a great susheel sanskari bahu we got.

    *what will people say. log=people. susheel = cultured. sanskari = with values.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    CantDecide, ask him if it is the practice in his family to change the bride's first name. In some such families, they consider themselves progressive if they let the bride have a say in her new first name.
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    OP..we are just trying to show you another side of an Indian guy who holds his family in deference .No matter what their views,no matter what their actions...you may still be expected to hold them in deference(even if he differs with them in private).
    If you don't ,then things might change between the guy and the person who is not willing to hold his family in deference.
     
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