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Between SIL n her DH fights we are getting screwed

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by soni1987, Dec 30, 2014.

  1. soni1987

    soni1987 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hii Ladies,

    I have a new problem now in my life. Actually it was there from before but we used to neglect it but now getting on my nerves.

    My SIL n her husband had love marriage after 4 yrs of affair. Married but both families were unhappy due to some reasons. Now they married for 8 years but every 2 days they have fights on silly things.

    BIL will say food not good or this n that, my SIL will create a huge drama even if BIL said a small thing then call her mom (my MIL) who stays one station far and start bla bla bla in from on my BIL. BIL gets angry n tried to snatch phone n huge fight again. Not enough yet she will call my DH (we staying abroad n starts crying with bla bla bla).

    My SIL nature, after fights or normally also she will go all her friends and say me n my Dh had fight..he beat me.. i am going to die now etc etc.

    My BIL nature, very calm n quite but very lazy only work n after coming home only TV.

    My MIL will put wrong things in my SIL minds about BIL n interfere in their fights which my BIL dont like.

    Usually they fight for food, my BIL want good food , non veg etc. My SIL dont know to cook tasty food, she knows only her some simple dishes which she will keep on repeating. I tell her to learn new dishes easy one but she not interested. BIL is fond of food so wants different food, unfortunately my SIL's MIL is staying in next bldg so my BIL goes n satisfies his hunger needs, His mom cooks good.

    So basically fights are silly, and each time my MIL calls my DH and tell u talk to BIL not to fight n all, then if my DH says anything to BIL they become enemies and then my SIL n BIL becomes lovers again. I dont understand how to stop my DH from interfering their life because ultimately we are becoming villains here, because of my MIL.

    Now my husband going to india for vacation, MIL insisting on talking to BIL dont know how to avoid ... n how to warn her not to call us or my MIL during sleep hours n disturb saying her stupid fights.

    Pls help
     
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  2. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Guess you should first bring some sense to your husband. Tell him that his sister is acting silly by bringing these fights to him and to her mom and ask him not involve in this.

    My mom was bringing all fights between my brother and sis in law to my ears till I started asking 'do you have anything else to talk apart from his fights? Because I have hell lot of things to bother about than to worry on what they fought'
     
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  3. soni1987

    soni1987 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks black beauty for your kind reply,

    Yes my DH knows this very well that these are stupid fights and he doesn't to involve also. Infact he restrains himself from any kind of involvement. Then my MIL will start making drama and crying to gain his attention. Ofcourse all of u know when a mother starts crying son can't stand it even if it is crocodile tears.

    My DH gets furious and starts callilng BIL n fights ..but now matter getting worse, my SIL says she want divorce n indirectly she telling she will come n stay our house in india, where now my MIL is staying. I am worried, if she starts staying in my house, then where will i stay when i come for vacations to india. As it is impossible to stay with her more than 2 days

    She sometimes insist on getting her visa for our place also. I cant even imagine her coming to stay wth us abroad even for few months. She has one daughter, she is sweet but when i think of her character i am scared. She had made many fights with me also, and in each fight she will take knife to cut her hand or do drama of beating her chest n tell i will suicide etc. Horrible lady
     
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  4. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    Had I cooked and my husband ate some one else's cooking, it would seem selfish and insensitive to me. I would have refused to cook any thing at all. It doesn't matter that your SIL cooks simple food. At least she is cooking for her husband. He should be more appreciative of her efforts. He can also eat out sometimes, instead of pressurizing his wife to cook every time. Both of them can go out and enjoy a date. Also, he should be helping her manage some of the housework, instead of watching tv all the time.

    She can not stop him from eating at his mother's place, if he wishes. But she can act genuinely hurt and tell him "Ok. But I already made food. If you don't want to have it, then please tell me before hand, I won't cook for you."

    Of course, she should also be flexible, and cook some of the things he likes. It may not be possible every day. But on holidays when he is home to enjoy good food and birthdays, she can try. There are sites online for easy, quick and delicious recipes. She should try to make different things sometimes. She can also ask for her husband's help when she is cooking his favorite dishes, and slowly try to get him be more useful around the house. Her husband has to see her making efforts to keep him happy. I think he will help her then. If she does every thing all day, she must be tired, and not feel like cooking much. Ask your husband to convey this to her. Let him tell her before thinking of divorce, she should try every thing to save her marriage. If it doesn't work out, she can get divorced, but not without trying to sort things out first.

    She seems like a woman who feels overwhelmed easily and does not have enough maturity to sustain meaningful relationships. Hence the need to resort to such drama. That is her way of gaining control over a relationship. Her act of taking up a knife is not normal behavior. She is facing problems in her marital life too, because of her immaturity. You should realize this, and try to cut her some slack, OP, hard as it may be. Try to avoid behaviors that cause fights with her. As for divorcing and staying with you, I think it is very likely she is only saying that in frustration, to gain her family's support in her quarrels with her husband. Maybe she is only doing that to get them involved in talking to her husband, as she is struggling with her communication to her husband.

    Tell your husband that he can not control his BIL's actions. He should ask his SIL to change the way she handles her relationship with her husband. Say her husband will change over time, but for the time being, she needs to take action to save her relationship.
     
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  5. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Its a love marriage....didn't the guy know about culinary skills of her before wedding??
    did she act differently when they were dating and gave a false picture of a good cook?

    Men are weird...they know it before wedding and choose to ignore it then...and assume that girl changes and starts cooking awesome food after wedding..They date an educated, good looking, earning, outgoing girls and then want the cooking skills as an added feature...How is that possible?

    My H is the same...since his mom cooks good food, he expects me to cook the same..
    Since mine is love marriage, I never understood what their style of cooking and tastes were, since we were abroad while dating. Now after moving to India, he expects me to be a great cook even though he knew that I barely cook. And their food never appeals to me even if it tastes wonderful as thats not what my parents family eat.

    To maintain peace, I started learning their way of cooking and eating cuz the fights were getting worse just because of so called 'tasty' food. Once in a while, I add twists by cooking my mom's recipes.

    OP, if I had some well wisher like you in the family, I would tell them to ask the guy(your BIL here) to help the wife in cooking and appreciate her food first(since its love marriage and he is equally responsible for this situation). Then slowly she will understand that she needs to cook his fav food sometimes too..Seperation/Divorce seems too silly just because of 'cooking'. Ego plays an important role here as the guy and girl are used to mutually agreeing on everything while dating and then see the differences after the wedding.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    If you say anything to DH, you will come across as against him and trying to separate him from his family. They will patch up and you will end up the bad person. Stay out of it. If he asks you for support or advice, be there.
     
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  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    marriage is give and take. He is lazy and she does not cook his favourite dishes! YOur Sil and her H seem to be fighting over silly things.

    are you sure that there is no other underlying reason? may be instead of talking to the H, your DH / MIL(if she is mature enough) should have private chat with his sister to know what is going on in their life. advising your own sister is better than advising a third person. JMHO.
     
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