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Being Pushed To Change From Maiden To Married Name

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by icanniwill, Sep 3, 2016.

  1. icanniwill

    icanniwill New IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,

    I have been married for 2 and half years and am in the US. I am on H1B visa with my maiden name. I didn't get a name change after marriage because of green card application being in process. Also, I am kind of hesitant about loosing my previous identity. I don't want to loose my identity. Lately, my DH has been showing his dislike about my name not being changed. His parents keep asking him about when I will get the name changed. Allegedly, they want to have a PAN card with my new name so they can make investments under my name :BangHead: what for?. If you want to make investments for us make it under DH's name.

    I have researched a lot about the procedure for name change and haven't been able to find a good/ reliable source. There are too many unkowns for me. Where to get the name changed first like SSN, DMV, Passport, Visa? And i believe they all are interconnected because one place requires the proof of other e.g DMV requires passport and passport office requires license. It is like chicken and egg situation. And from talking to a lot of people the process involves a lot of hassle. I have yet to find a person in my situation who has gotten a successful name change.

    Personally, I am not so keen on changing the name. But, I decided this is not the battle I want to continue to fight. I'll do this if this makes DH happy.

    Your thoughts on name change????
    Has anyone gone through this?

    Thank you!!!
     
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  2. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    I was asked to get my name changed. My MIL not only wanted to get my last name changed, but she also wanted to change my first name. It's like she wanted to remove all traces of my past life. She even asked DH to speak to me about it. So when he suggested, I said - I will change my first name if you too change your's. Of course that was not to happen. So I got to keep my first name. The last name - that did change. I was not happy, because my last name was my father's name, but accepted it as a universal rule. Now I guess, I have other things to worry about so not thinking about it anymore. But I digress....

    Eventually these will become non issues. Pick your battles. If this is not an important one, let it go. As far as the procedure is concerned, tell him ... if you want m name changed, you do the research, you get the documents, I will sign the papers. If this issue is that important to him, let him do the work, why should you waste your time?
     
  3. icanniwill

    icanniwill New IL'ite

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    Hi @soulful ,

    Thank you for your reply. I am happy you were able to keep your first name. I was very upset initially about the name change. But, as time went by i told myself 'what is in the name' and also if this makes husband happy and keeps me on his good side as opposed to him being ear-filled by inlaws then i thought i'll agree to it. I did try to push the paper work on him but not winning. I am going to tell him that i want his commitment throughout the process. The headache cannot just be mine it has to be ours. I can't imagine all the paper work that will also be needed in India with bank accounts PAN cards etc.
     
  4. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    That is the right attitude. He cannot just demand and expect you to do the dirty work. if he wants something, he must be willing to work. Tell him, XYZ is your work. ABC is mine. IF he asks, tell him that was your job, why are you asking me?
     
    icanniwill likes this.
  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    I refused outright. I have appended my husband's name to my full name on email and social media sites. I just dismissed the idea saying it is ridiculous to spend time and effort on something as trivial. All documents are in my maiden name.

    If you don't mind getting it changed get your IL to find a lawyer to do the work. Similarly get your husband to get a lawyer to do the work in the US.
     
    icanniwill and Brevity like this.
  6. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    I completely agree with guesshoo. Push the paperwork and some of the headache onto them. Its their idea and requirement anyway. With a smile say "I respect your wish dear. Now make all arrangements for it. Love you..."
    My last name is my dad's first name and i'll never ever change/remove it. If it was my family name i wouldn't feel so strong about it.
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    If you are going to change your last name, do it with the least amount of unpleasantness. If not, your wise decision of not picking this battle will be marred by negative feelings. Don't do things like pushing paperwork on to him, making him shoulder half the load etc. Those things will bring you some satisfaction, but not worth the associated khich-khich.

    Show him the research you have done, share the links, and make this a thing you guys deal with jointly (different from sharing half the load, if you get the difference in nuance). Show him that doing this name change while GC is in progress, is not a good idea. Chances are if you involve him nicely, and genuinely ask his opinion on how to go about it, he will realize the hassle involved.

    You are both on individual H1B's? Two GC's are in progress, or one?

    Don't insist too much on not changing name or his helping you with the paperwork. Your in-laws want to invest money in your name also. That is a thing many women here are fighting tooth and nail for. Don't tick off your husband or in-laws too much on this name issue. You don't want to end with the situation that money (probably earned by you and husband) is invested in only your husband's and in-laws' names. It is very important for as many investments as possible to be in both your names. If it is only in DH'S name, there should be a clear beneficiary nomination or other way to ensure it can't be usurped by others. Money does the oddest things to relationships over time.
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2016
    blessings1010 and icanniwill like this.
  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    If they want to do it because of investments THEN DO IT.
    Name is small part of identity.Your thoughts ,your beliefs,attitude makes bigger part personality.
    I changed my first name after marriage and i took it as a opportunity to choose my favorite name.
    If you are going to do it then do it without fighting.
    Choose battle.Dont appose everything.If you want greater co operation from IL throughout life then learn what to give up and what not to.
     
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  9. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Name is only small part of one's identity. But being coerced into changing it is not a good thing imo. Husband showing anger without participating in the process is weird to say the least.

    And what's this thing about investment? If it is done using yours or your husband's, money it needs to be in your or joint name by default. If it is inlaw's money its their wish. They can do it irrespective of your last name or not.
     
    icanniwill and songbird46 like this.
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    There is no law that investments can't be made in a woman's maiden name.f they really want to invest,the name should not come in the way.

    When I got married two decades back.....it was considered normal. I did not have a driving license ,pan card,passport,adhar card or even voter's card.We just got the name changed. We had to submit an affidavit to get the name on the passport when I got it made 10 years back.

    My daughter has all these on her name. All the younger working women in our family have kept their maiden names on official documents. People don't mind being called Mrs so and so.
     

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