Baby planning

Discussion in 'Fertility & Trying to Conceive' started by Chilbuli Imli, May 9, 2006.

  1. Chilbuli Imli

    Chilbuli Imli Senior IL'ite

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    Dear all,

    Just wanted to share one of my best friend problem and wanted to take all experts ladies advise before me suggesting anything to her.

    I wouldnt reveal her name but we will call her Neha.

    Neha is happily married and got a baby girl who is 4 years old. She is got loving husband and she doesnt have any problem of MIL as she stays alone with her hubby. She has a very happy life. You all will say then where is the problem.

    Recently the problem started. Neha and her husband are planning for second baby. Her husband is very understanding n loving but at the same time bit of othordox.
    He wants a boy this time and he is asking neha to do sonography and go for abortion incase if it is baby girl. Now this is something Neha cant digest. Being a mother and woman she doent have heart to go for abortion. She tried all means to explain her husband but hubby is not ready to listen. He says that we cant afford to have 3 kids n if the second one is girl that means third one has to come.but if we check and if it is girl we abort and try third time n third time also it is girl then we will accept it as God wish and we will stop after that. but if we accept it second time means we dont have chance only to go for third.

    Neha is also scared of if she accepts for abortion and if God is angry with her for her act might lead that she might not get pregnant.

    I acnt help her take decesion. Please help me by giving me your advise to her and also i heard that there are ways in making love which will give you baby boy.

    Please share.

    love
     
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  2. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    long reply

    Dear Farida,

    I think it is nice of you to help your friend like this.

    Before you read my winding reply, pls note that I have no tips on how to adjust techniques or positions to ensure a XY baby. The net is full of sites offering this advice and I am sure your friend will find something to guide her. But since you have also asked for opinion, here goes.

    On a general random level, my stance on medical termination of pregnancy is ambivalent. I come from a traditional family with liberal views, studied in a Catholic school, lived in Jakarta (a staunch Islamic nation). So by culture, I am opposed to abortions. Besides, I do not have children myself yet, so for me personally, this is not an option to be evaluated at all.

    However, if it is the case of a minor girl being raped, if there is a medical condition that threatens the mother's life, if the pre-natal tests show that the baby has some congenital defects- in such informed cases, I am all for abortion.

    Above all, I feel that abortion is the right of the woman, to say yes or no. I am all for the slogan, 'STAY OUT OF MY WOMB'- be it the state and more so if it is the husband.

    Sorry for such a long intro. But now you will understand when I say that your friend's husband is being selfish, avaracious, sexist, foolish and myopic. The options that he is suggesting to your friend are not choices but ultimatums.

    A family with a son and daughter looks balanced. But one with two daughters/two sons is also enriched. If you friend's first child had been a boy, would her husband have suggested that they abort the second foetus, had it also been a boy? And then go on trying till they get a girl? Or would he not have tried at all for another child at all, because he already has a son? Try to find this, because then it will tell you more about this guy.

    Even within marriage, if a baby is conceived by mistake or accident, and then the parents choose abortion, it can be justified by some dark, twisted logic. But what your friends intend are deliberate and material. To say that they cannot afford three children is okay. In which case, stop at one or accept the second whatever be the sex. They should not practise their values at the expense of the life/being of their scond child. They are trying to have their cake and eat it too,and then put it aside for a rainy day as well.To say, that they will accept the third child if it is a girl, sounds amusing. What did the second child do to deserve this end?

    My Guru is a scholar on Hindu religion and philosophy. He also happens to be a man of who knows science and medicine very well. Recently, another one of his disciples asked him abt abortion. He staunchly opposed the idea, not only on religious grounds, but also on medical grounds. He says that the medical process of abortion is such that when the foetus is being destroyed, it moves from one node of the uterus to another, as if trying to evade the termination device. He says that it almost looks as if the foetus is running in fear for life. I do not know if this is correct, it is not my view, but I am inclined to believe what he says.

    Every baby born- male/female, normal/handicapped, is a gift of God. And it is not just a baby born. Every baby conceived is also a gift of God and Nature. Pls tell your friends to think about this, seek counselling if necessary. At the end of the day, it is their personal choice. May my God and yours and theirs Help them to make the right decision, not the best one.

    Good luck.
     
  3. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel sorry for your friend, CBI!

    Dear CBI,
    I really feel sorry for your friend. A baby is a beautiful gift from God and to insist on having a boy (or for that matter a girl) is something not given to us. It is one thing to decide not to have a baby. But insisting on a boy appears to me to be cruel.
    There's a village near Madurai where I live. The people have strong preferences for a boy. Those people can't afford a scan. So they wait till the baby is born. If the baby is a girl then the baby is killed by giving milk in which there is a paddy grain. The grain chokes the little girl to death.
    Sorry for being so strong. I don't find any difference between aborting the baby because it is a girl and killing the baby after it is born.
    I don't get into religious issues like God's wrath, religious injunctions etc.But one thing I can tell you very clearly. If a parent (of all the persons) decides to abort the baby because it is not of the right sex, has a streak of violence in him or her. And it is this streak that would eventually wreak havoc in their lives.
    Ask them to pray God fervently that they should have a boy and accept with love whatever the Most Merciful, the One Without Equal, decides to give them.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    My thoughts

    Dear CBI,

    This need for a boy child never stops to amaze me.

    You have received great opinions on this matter from our two very wise friends here. I agree totally with both their sentiments and thoughts and hence will not repeat their words here.

    I strongly advise your friend on giving up the idea of conceiving a second time if it is only to abort a female foetus. She has one daughter and should be happy with her lot and not indulge her psycho husband's cruel wish. That is the least she can do to be fair both to herself and her little daughter she already has.

    PS: Can't help wishing that man a son who will later turn out to be the bane of his life he will regret having begot..that will also be a fitting poetic justice!

    Sorry for being so crisp, but you asked for our opinions!!

    L, Kamla
     
  5. purnima_2k

    purnima_2k Senior IL'ite

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    Brilliant explanantion by Vidhya!

    Vidhya has hit the nail on the head - the motive behind the abortion is malice and should not be encouraged. If the baby is inherently deformed or the family is so poverty struck that they cannot afford a second child , or such a deilvery affects the health of the mother -- then maybe, the act can be termed as "not so cruel". But in this case, the husbdand is acting like a big chavinist and like a villian and his gesture maybe termed as a criminal offence too! Little girls are tobe treasured, the achievers in today's eras are mostly girls! Even if the husband needs to be divorced in this case, its fine. But i think she should not encourage such acts of malice and cruelty!

    Regards,
    Purnima
     
  6. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    without any malice can we look at this with a different angle...

    hai ......according to some medical studies it is possible to conceive a male child...
    the even dates after the cycle is considered grt for male child...and another secret into this is....ur sex time should be within the 11pm not after if u have sex during the night then u get a son....and of course the odd morning grt hours are for little girls...so hope this could help ur friend....i have seen this proved so ask her to try out this....no harm in having a crave for a boy...when u already have a girl....try not to destroy though.....regards sunkan
     
  7. Chilbuli Imli

    Chilbuli Imli Senior IL'ite

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    Dear All,

    Dear Vidya, Shridhar, Sunkan, Purnima and Kamla

    Thank you lovely advise. I agree to all of you.

    To me abortion is killing or murdering the innocent who is not yet born.

    In my friend's case her husband is not cruel. He is very kind and understanding. Neha is so happy. He takes care of Neha like anything. He loves Neha also a lot. He can not see Neha cry and will do anything for Neha. But at the same time he is dominating when it comes to his thoughts. He is egositic and i am husband and you r wife think remains in his mind.

    Now all his friends got baby boy as their first child. He is the only one who got baby girl as first child. So he keeps on getting inferior feeling when he sees his friend coming with their son.

    Note: He loves his daughter like anything. His daughter is his life now. Due to 2 circumstances he doesnt want a baby girl as second child. firstly as all his friends has boy and second is he think he want be able to afford more than 2 child. He thinks boy is required to take care of you when you are old, to take the name of ancenster further etc. Now he is scared that if he get a girl that means he cant go for third one and he would be in terrible state as no one will be there in future once the girls are married.

    If he would have got a boy as first child he would have gone for second and would be happy if it would be girl or boy anything. then he wouldnt have tried for third one at all.

    Every baby born- male/female, normal/handicapped, is a gift of God. I agree to this and neha too believe this. Even her husband believe in this but financial matter has forced him to think about abortion.

    Lately i spoke to Neha and she told me that her husband said sorry to her for arguing with her on teh baove matter but still not yet made up his mind and not yet told her anything. still its time for her to plan. they are thinking of waiting for another 3 months till her husband get a nice job and they are well secured. I hope and pray that they take wise decision.

    Thank you all for your inputs.
     
  8. Chilbuli Imli

    Chilbuli Imli Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Sunkan,

    Sunkan,
    You said in your message about tips to get boy. i didnt understand. the even dates means once she finishes her cycle from that day she should be planning on all even days please explain. second you said sex time should be within 11 pm mans for boy she should do it before 11pm.
    if you have more tips please post so that i can advise her.
     
  9. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    dear chilbuli,
    after the menstrual cycle first 10days is safe...sometime lesser...as a precaution u take the 8th day on wards...till the 18dayis the evoluting period...u will feel the body like running a temperature..cranky nauseatic this is normal now the even dates r say the 10th,12,14,16th....and dont forget the sex time..within 11pm not after...or afternoon untill say some 4 to 5 months to be on the safe side....then u can change no problem...hope been able to reach u with this msg.any more doubts i am aways here......regards..sunkan
     
  10. Vandhana

    Vandhana Silver IL'ite

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    My two Cents

    Hi ,

    Ask your friend to consider the legal and health aspect. If she is living in India, then Sonogram for determing the sex are banned and punishable if done. Also sonograms are usualy done when the lady is in her 18 to 20 weeks of pregnancy. Doctors do not advise abortion at this late stage unless something is seriously wrong with the developing baby. So Abortion is out of the question.

    One sure fire way of getting a boy. ADOPTION. Ask your friend to consider that. I know there is a lot of theory about positions, timing etc that help to concieve a boy or a girl, but there is no concrete proof that it works. Adopting a baby is a tough decision to make , but it a very noble one. Given that we have so many orphaned babies in this world. I think your friend should discuss this option if the second child is also a girl. Frankly these days, there is no difference between boys and girls.

    Vandhana
     

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