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Awful Awful Husband...why Do I Feel Like I Need Him?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Patientone, Oct 4, 2019.

  1. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    Don't call video call him for his daughter. Why should you make his relationship with his daughter, for now, till you are not divorced- do not follow any schedule for video call.
    Call him on phone, and if he asks about daughter, say "she is at friend's house, busy, play date etc". This is to push his buttons and see how far he goes.
    On phone, do tell him calmly that you want the marriage to work. That you want to put in effort and hope he does too.
    About your parents, keep them away from him, he is leach kind of person. They will take all that they can and won't even thank or acknowledge. Instead will bad mouth their helper. These kind of people should never be helped. Keep your parents totally away, you take their help have relationship with them but keep him away.
    About the fact that he told everyone what goes on in your parents house, he has shown to his true colors- remember this- he is limitless in being crude and is not polished. He also looks at you as an outsider, a person targeted by his family, to meet his immigration goals. He really doesn't care about daughter, she is a very important piece in entire puzzle.
    These kind of people, don't want to divorce you, he won't leave you but he wants you to agree to all his terms in marriage and his families'.

    When you call him tell him that you want to work on marriage but few things will have to change, and say that you will redraw boundaries, so you can feel safe emotionally and otherwise. Also, mention that you guys should try separation for 6 months or so. But don't separate. Do not talk any other person than him, no BIL or SIL or MIL. If you have to talk, be reticent, talk less, be calm and let it weather talk. You are proving to them that you have boundaries and you want to keep them. Don't cry on phone or in front of anyone.

    These ILs of yours are very "chalu" meaning street smart people. They know what they are doing and work as a team. Their strength is their united front, team work, years of experience. YOur strength is that you stay in the country with your parents, where they are so desperately trying to come to. Your language skills and community. He is nobody in the new country, he knows that. Here on, do not help him at all, in any which way.
    Your marriage may not be best, very few have great marriage, so cheer up and don't be sad. There is more to life than marriage- good or bad!
     
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....why are you trying to make your daughter bond with this selfish guy?
    Today he is holding you hostage because of whatever silly bond you have with him, tomorrow he will hold your daughter hostage emotionally.Why make her go though the trauma?

    Your story doesn't add up completely.
    Why would someone in a more powerful position continue to take humiliation from someone who has no redeeming quality?
    Either there is more to the story on his side or you need to work on your self esteem and self worth.

    Either ways...if you still want him in your life,you need to stop giving him attention completely .
    He acts like this because he knows you will call and try to get him back.
    Just stop bothering about himfor sometime and see how he reacts .At least try being aloof and self sufficient emotionally for few months.
    Tell daughter he is busy with his parents.
    Keep her busy.
    Don't make her like you.
    If he wants to talk to her, he will make an effort to connect with her.
    Don't give her false hope if he does not care.
    You and your parents can cover up any thing she misses from this guy
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2019
    Agathinai, Sunshine04 and 1Sandhya like this.
  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Agree.
    I asked OP about why she decided to marry him a few pages ago (P. 3) but didn’t get a reply.
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    families can sustain is both wife and husband build there own house.

    If the wife has everything(parents in town) and support from parents and husband comes somewhere else. It's very hard for men to cope with that environment.

    Women are culturally trained to go and live with in-laws or adjust. But it won't work with many men.
    one of my family friend daughters had similar issues where parents in USA and husband came from India.
    He couldn't adjust the girl living closer to her parents and parents involving in there lives. Finally, they moved to a different city and they are living there lives without too much interaction from parents.

    I don't know the whole story. But if you live in your parent's town and if they involved with your lives very often then you may need to rethink the whole situation. Even though you are getting free perks from your parents it won't work for your family.
     
    Topaz49 likes this.
  5. Patientone

    Patientone Senior IL'ite

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    I really really don’t understand myself. If I was single I would very easily break it off. But because I have a child. I keep having hope. Yet days like today I think of giving up and running away as there is no strength in the relationship.
     
  6. Patientone

    Patientone Senior IL'ite

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    Again not sure or can’t remember clearly. I went to India and was shown a guy for an arranged marriage. He was younger and everybody kept saying to me and my family ‘treat him like a son’ and I felt suffocated. I came to the UK and recieved a proposal from my husbands family. Spoke to my husband, met him and he seemed independent and caring. But it was all an act. He seemed slightly depressed as he had a broken engagement and life wasn’t going well. I though he’s nice why not give him a chance. After marriage, when we started living together...thats when I realised he wasn’t what he appeared. Instead of the shy sensitive guy. He was quite controlling and manipulative. The honeymoon period didn’t last long and once it was over, I realised how we weren’t compatible. Even then felt sorry for him as his parents especially the mother treated him like dirt because he didn’t earn a lot. Once she saw how much we loved each other. She got jealous. My husband became gold in her eyes once we returned to the UK when he started earning £££s. Not saying my hubby is innocent but he changed.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2019
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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @Patientone
    That’s... a little depressing, to be honest.

    You end with saying ‘my hubby changed’ but are you sure about that? Seems to me like you had doubts throughout but kept pushing them aside and continued to give him the benefit of the doubt. See my bolded in quote.

    Look dear, you sound extremely young and very alone in all your posts. If it’s just to vent your frustration then that’s fine. But where’s your family in all this now? What is their take on his behavior? After all it was a joint decision taken by you all that you should marry him, right? What are they suggesting you should do?

    I would stop giving him benefit of doubt as he has proved over and over he isn’t worth it. If you are worried about your kid, it’s better you show her how to live with self respect and dignity than her seeing how women constantly get physically and mentally abused.

    And no, you don’t miss him actually. You are out of your depth and you don’t know how to fix this problem, so you just wistfully keep wishing all was normal and he was back and the shy sensitive guy you believed him to be.

    You have to put your wistful wishing aside and take some strong, tough decisions. For your sake and your daughter’s sake. Don’t video call him anymore. Try to get good advice from a trusted source like your family. Good luck!
     
  8. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Bronze IL'ite

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    Sorry you are in such fix..sigh, these men.
     
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  9. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Bronze IL'ite

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    and their parents...:hmmm:
     
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  10. Patientone

    Patientone Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you so much. He’s getting his passport made. He hasn’t contacted me since I last called him which shows he doesn’t care?

    yeah I had many doubts before marriage but just thought DONT JUDGE and give him a chance. He’s pathetic. Not once has he asked how I am. But then I think that’s just men (is this true?)

    my parents have told me he’s useless and that I should leave him. But then one of my cousins said that his mum influences him a lot so I need to stay sweet with him so that he’s on my side. I don’t have much strength in me to play games.
     

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