Awful Awful Husband...why Do I Feel Like I Need Him?

This is checklist to help you decide if you should stay or quit the marriage :

If at least “some” of the following answers are yes . ( you determine how many “some” should be yes to stay)

A) Husband loves and respects me
B) I love and respect my husband
C) Kids love their dad and mom together / he is a great father
D) we have issues but we can make it work
E) He works hard to provide financially for me and the kids.
F) I do have moments of happiness in the marriage even though it is not perfect

You are definitely feeling very distressed to insinuate incest between MIL and husband. So calm down and take decisions , only when you can rationalize people and their situations/ behavior.
Give yourself a month and rephrase the questions here. There will be lot of better suggestions and ideas.

 

This is troublesome! Can't be objective.
Your hurt feelings might lead you to elaborate on your partner’s shortcomings.
There is no point in being miserable and continue to be married. Ask yourself -
Is there anything I can do to improve the situation?
Is this marriage beyond salvage?
Take time and focus more on evaluating the situation than on the incest.

 

OP,
Looks like you had an upper hand in marriage, since you helped him with his paperwork. But, when in India, they are are ganging up to renegotiate the terms of marriage and this time around, you might not have the upper hand.
With all that you have written, your MIL is very street smart lady and sharp tongue, full of bawdy jokes. You do not match up to her in this "bawdy sense of humor"
Yes, your husband has no love for you and you both have no bond. Looks like it was a arranged marriage, with little courtship.
I do not see any intention to make the marriage good, from his side.
Is your SIL, his brother's wife also from UK. If so, is their marriage better?
I would say, read their relatives, your husband and MIL. But you can definitely try a separation period. He doesn't seem mich invested in this marriage. You can see how far you stretch the cord, how he behaves etc, and can always cancel separation and come go back to him. You might be able renegotiate at least a few items on your list. But this marriage won't be lovy dovy kinds, you can always lower your expectations or decide to divorce. Most guys in India are like your husband only, and your story is similar to many stories here, so even if find a second husband- it will be same thing all over again.
I have seen good husbands, but the wives find them when they were very young, in college and then don't let go. Those wives will never be on IL- married life. For one the husband, she again found a good husband. So, good husbands can be found by only select few. IF didn't find one, the first time, the second husband won't be good either.
But definitely separate, to help him and help yourself, to get some perspective. Stay firm and nasty with your MIL, also- during separation- renegotiate, there too. Be nasty, since you are not the bahu.

 

We could all use a little primer in acquiring citizenship through marriage. The American First Lady Melania Trump did it. Rajiv Gandhi's wife did that too... although there were conspiracy theories about her nationality.

Anyhow... the native goes off and marries a foreign person, and then applies for her/him to migrate to his/her country to become a permanent resident. After this step, each country would have certain conditions (usually x years of good, upstanding behavior, and demonstration of the bona fides of the marriage, being able to use the country's official language, and so on) before the permanent resident is allowed to become a citizen in a naturalization paperwork and ceremony.

A permanent resident carries an identification card, whereas a citizen would have a passport. A permanent resident is also called different names in different countries:

Permanent Resident identification cards in Canada and America were like this:



After the movie "ET".... which suggested that the alien would always wanted to return "HOME", the American card was also renamed the Canadian way:



The card in UK doesn't call them permanent resident or alien. It just says that the person is there to "settle" (as if they were agitated before they got to the UK), and gives them "indefinite leave to remain".


This "leave to remain" concept is very confusing to the Americans... Is it LEAVE or is it REMAIN ? This "LEAVE to REMAIN" bizness is very British.

A few years ago in the summer of 2016, the Brits were asked the very American Question "Is it LEAVE or is it REMAIN ?"

The voting population pretty much replied "LEAVE to REMAIN" by returning the result 52% LEAVE, 48% REMAIN as a member country in the European Union.

Our OP is asking the same question about her marriage "should she leave or remain?" -- The UK citizen would likely come up with "Leave to Remain". The rest of us would have no idea what that would mean.

 

There is a huge Indian population in UK; why go to India?

 

OP,
I can understand your disdain for your MIL's behavior. She seems to have no boundaries when it comes to her son. For a woman to touch her grown adult son in the manner you described is indeed disgusting esp for a wife to see. But do stop calling it incest as that will completely hijack the issue you are seeking help with. You really have no proof of that so better refrain. It will weaken your position as an objective person.

You have clearly stated all the reasons why he married you and why you feel taken advantage of. May I ask what made you enter into this marriage? What was the attraction for you? Because that may help answer the question you posed in your title viz. though 'he is so awful why do you still feel you need him'. If you calmly try to enumerate the reasons why you thought marrying this person was a good idea a few years ago, it may give you some clarity now in deciding which direction to proceed.

 

After the choice is whittled down by the various religion, caste, community, economic status, "hunk"iness of the fellow, etc...etc.. filters, the local desi population would only offer slim pickings, whereas in INDIA, the population is really HUGE, and the choices are better. And besides what value could one actually put on the "unspoiled purity of the original specimen raised on the native soil", eh?

Of course, the downside would be whether or not the chosen one from foreign would continue with "semper fidelis" motto after the requisite bona fides of the marriage are established with whatever time-frame-togetherness, progeny-creation, paying-taxes, and cohabiting in the same address and so forth.

And besides, the OP already explained the altruistic motive, not at all feasible with a local choice:

 

Op.... You can leave him now or you can leave him when he gets his parents permanantly to live with you all.

When a person marries someone by giving dowry or citizenship....then it is more or less like a business contract. Don't expect love when it was not in the contract .
Can you live with this person all your life?
Do you want more kids with this man and his mothers genes?
What are the changes that will happen to your life if you separate?
Are theses happy changes?

While thinking about future,don't base it on the past...think how your future with this guy will most likely be ...will he be sending pics of your wrinkles 20 years from now.


Op...do you think this man will stay around once he gets citizenship?
His parents have been threatening divorce since your marriage.
They obviously have some plans for him .
A foreign citizen will be very good bait for some heavy dowry from some girl with low self esteem in India.
Do you think this is possible!
If so...do you want to be dumped or dump?

Is he a citizen ...or can you still block that?

 

True those points !!

 

If a spouse's family feels entitled to threaten divorce and the spouse does not feel the need or does not have the guts to tell them to shut the eff up in loud and clear voice.....that is the time to rethink your future with with this spouse.
This should be done the very first time it happens ....or things go down hill only.

Op I feel this guy and his family have got what they needed from you and are now just itching to find reasons to divorce for better profit.

I suggest you meet a lawyer atleast to stay ahead of the game and to find the best deal you can for your child .
Consider this child as your biggest gain from this marriage and cut further losses......unless and until this guy gets down on his knees and makes some concreate changes.
I doubt he will do that or that is in his scheme of things....but who knows.

Best wishes op.....