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Average Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by justamom, Feb 1, 2018.

  1. justamom

    justamom Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,
    Here again for a vent...

    Been married for 14 years and lots of arguments and pain in this last year

    I am not working for last 1 year because of some visa restriction he is in another country and visiting us once in a month. We are not able to save anything this year .

    I failed my driving test for 5th time but knew was very close. He came home and started shouting I am wasting all his money on driving classes. I told him I am taking classes on my money and will not give up. He told like all my money is gone now I am living on his money. I have to give him equal share of monthly expenses


    Then we went for vacation and he started fighting for silly reasons dont even remember why.. But I cried almost every day. He told like I am after money I have no right to talk about the house he bought for his mother before marriage.

    He moved to another country and I sent him a card for his birthday. He didnt even mention abt the card. After 2 days till 9 he didnt pick my phone and later told he went to hotel with his team mates. I said enjoy maadi normally. He started shouting saying do want me to stay hungry? Ok i will not eat. What have u written in card? Why do u lie( i wrote i luv u) . I said ok. My mistake. Will not send u any cards.

    We had a discussion abt buying house. He told i am against getting loan. If I get loan u are responsible for that. I said I ve been asking u to buy house for 13 years. If u bought loan 13 years ago then it would be less amount and we would have repaid most of it. But u waited this long u should have plans to buy without loan. U cant blame me. He said then u go and bring 40lakhs from ur house. I said i have earned 90 lakhs. U take from that. I mentio ed about my earning only because he asked for it. Till then I didnt even know how much I earned. He was angry because i quoted my earnings. He started giving list of expenses like I spend 3 lak on dress, 4l for driving , 8l for car , 2l for sarees we gifted my mom( he asked why I have to buy saree for ur mom from my money) etc then finally we bought land for 60L. It's in both of our names. But I paid everything. 30 L gone for that.so u dont have any money left. So if u want a.house u have to bring 40L. I said I cant afford that. I dont want a share in his house. I will get a portion of my parents house. I will go there.

    After few days I told him his brothers wifes are not working. Still his brothers dont talk like this to them. But why he is hurting me? Answer was if they treat their wifes nicely go and marry them..i dont want to be compared with other men. If u compare u go and marry them.

    Then there was hell of fight when I asked money to buy gift for my sister's marriage. He made my life hell. I was thinking abt selling my jewels or get a bank loan. But fi nally told him do as per ur wish. I wont interfere. He bought what I asked initially and bought some jewels for me too. I dont realise if he is going to gift that much why did he hurt me so much? Why I had to gone through all pain? I dont have answer.

    After coming from marriage we had some arguments about money and I decided not to spend his money for me or my family. I didnt even get a dress for xmas while husband and kids enjoyed shopping in festive sales. He did ask me to buy something but he hurted me so much I said no.

    After all this he asked my opinion about him as a husband. I said he is not the worst. But he is not best as well. So average. That hurted him a lot it seems. Now he is bringing in every argument.

    I told him my expectation about a good husband. No need to buy jewels or taking to expensive tour. But should understand feelings of wife, not let her down in front of others, love her more than anyone else, encourage her when she fallen down(even if it is 5th time), wipe her tears rather than being a reason for her cries, try not to hurt her.

    He said I am living in fantasy and that type of husbands dont exist in real world. He is very much hurted by the term average husband it seems. But dont understand what I am going through for past 1 year and how much pain i hold..

    Yesterday had this argument again and he is telling he doesnt want to come here since he is average husband. If i want I can book tkts and go back to India for good...


    Feel so lonely that I have no one in the world and no shoulder to cry..
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    If you are not inclusive of his family and if he is not inclusive of his family, it's very hard to have a peaceful marriage.

    when you are feeling you have no one life that means you wanted to live with your husband peacefully.

    Then why you want to fight over money.don't bring up before marriage money into marriage.
    Always watch your words.If he says something unnecessary and if you stay calm, he will come back to you.

    Just be calm for this movement and things will settle.but pick your battles over money.Looks like you guys have money issues and you need to tackle carefully.don't spill out all the issues whenever fight comes.Just talk only one thing what you are fighting.Don't go back to day 1 of marriage issues.
    You need to let go things.at end of the day happiness and peace is only matter.
    even if you have big house,when you guys don't have good marriage what is the use of it???

    So my advise- go slow- think thrice before spilling words - i know he is your husband.Even with kids - we need think before we say things.
     
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  3. justamom

    justamom Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Priya

    Money is not a issue for me. Usually he is the one who manages finance and I wont even know how much salary credited into my account.

    But he is talking about his money since i left my job. When i was working never had this type of arguments.

    Thanks
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hmm, Looks like he is very nervous without a second job.You guys used for two incomes and look like he doesn't know how to deal with second income.

    That could be the issue in many families where they used for two incomes.

    Even I have seen that kind of panic in a couple where they even have grandkids.

    and also because of visa and all other issues, you guys are under stress, stress will bring worst in the couple.

    So don't make any drastic steps, stay calm and deal with the situation.

    I recently went a major health thermoil and my husband had no idea how to deal with it.And he threw some tantrums on me and I just kept quiet.I know he is not kind of guy who can handle stress.He can't even take even my kid get fever.So he can't deal with my major health issues.There is no perfect solution but only solution is stay calm and compose to deal with the situation and you will find a way out.
     
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  5. honeybunny123

    honeybunny123 Senior IL'ite

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    My husband is also on similar talks most of the time . He says both partners should contribute equally financially and asks me to share . I don’t earn as much as him and he is managing the finance including my salary .I don’t understand why he keeps saying it . If you have no other issues with your husband other than financial stress , I would suggest you to ignore it and try not to feed his ego with your response .I know that it is easier said than done .
     
    justamom likes this.
  6. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    You have visa restrictions and hence cannot work. For your husband to taunt you for not working makes him a very”average “ husband indeed .

    What can you do ? Stop sending cards, stop asking for explanations , stop calling him. And don’t cry ! You don’t deserve to !

    Where are your savings ? Only ask him for money for kids and household expenses . Until you can work no gold or expensive gifts for anyone . Rest try to manage with your savings .

    Give him some silent treatment. He needs to learn to respect you . Until then, be a “average” wife.
     
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  7. kalpas

    kalpas Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi

    You have been married for 14 years. You must clearly know where your relationship stands now. If money is the only issue between you both definitely you should not feel lonely.

    Both of you should learn to respect each other. If he tries to pull words from your mouth, dont give in to it. Your response of 'average husband' , he wanted to pull those words from your mouth. In future don't you ever pour your words. Most women let out their feelings. But most men don't let out their feelings at all. So be very careful. Many men (even women) have the tendency to remember every small unnecessary incident in the past life. They will quote it later and keep on picking . So be very careful.

    As far as your financial issue goes, if you really do not have a problem , they dont get into that. But in a marriage it is a very important aspect. So if it is possible both of you sit and talk out how to handle it. If it is not openly talked, and if your relationship is not strong, this will hit hard. You know better.

    Also, as far as your expenses go don't expect anything from him Try your best and get a job.

    Good luck
     
    justamom likes this.
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,

    Stop chasing him for some time. See what happens. Let him miss you. What is the point of doing all these, if he cant value your love and efforts. Let him come to you. Till then ignore his tantrums and stop talking about money, comparison etc or anything. Talk less. Just give respect and take respect. Stay calm and cool and focus on you and kids. This will pass.

    Your emotional demands are quite genuine, but most men don't understand it. You have been with him for 14yrs. So you will have a good idea what he is. Stop expecting more and be happy. Only you can make you happy

    "I have to give him equal share of monthly expenses": if so he has to share household jobs or pay you money for it.right? If you think a job will give you peace, try that. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2018
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  9. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    ok.

    first thing. please understand. failing on driving test 5 time. sorry but it is not right. it is not about the money. driving is a serious business. any mistakes can cost you your life. there is no such thing as too close . it is pass or fail.

    next . your DH does not respect you. no further suggestions. this is the root issue , that i feel. other members are very wise. they can guide very well.
     
  10. justamom

    justamom Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Lavani.
    Its very difficult to get license in this country. Generally people take 3 attempts and I have seen men going till 7 or 8 times. They'll fail u for silliest mistakes and sometimes for other peoples mistakes too.

    I got my license in 2 weeks after that and driving well for last 9 months touch wood without any accident. Driving in motorway 200 miles to pick him up from airport.

    Second point I understand. But dont know what to do.
     

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