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At Loggerheads With In-laws Again

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by candidheart, Feb 20, 2017.

  1. candidheart

    candidheart Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Have been passive visitor to IL though i had issues , being lazy to type I skipped writing but now I couldn’t hold bacl.I need all your views on the current situation I am in. Sorry it is going to be a long one,


    we are planning for a function in India (almost all rituals like a wedding, along with our son, done in our community). We had two options for the city lets say city A , city B and city C (geographically also city B is in center). Inaws live in City A , my side relatives and couple of their side relatives live in City B and most of their relatives live in city C. I didn't even propose my city (D) because my parents are no more and most relatives are in City B. I initially though City B would be a good choice, as my uncle can take care of the arrangements in City B and commute wise too it will be a center place (only inlaws and us have to go there before the function) and also close by to City C guests. But NO, in-laws insisted it happens only where they live, (even though they are only ones living in that city, OK fine. we have already booked a marriage hall as per their choice. They chose a hall something close to their home and didn't want to go into the center place citing convenience. If I raise any question, immediately my husband says, they are old they cannot roam around so much, and we cannot question them as they are doing us a favor! that finally is per their choice. fine.


    Next we were discussing lunch and menu items. For three meals,dinner,breakfast and lunch. she had sent us a menu 10 -15 items per meal and if we change something or reduce item she is like dont see money, you guys are coming from US,we need to impress, put north indian dishes to show status(according to her),even villagers are doing all this blah blah and all that crap. (I doubt if she would even think half as much if she was going to pay) I think food expenses itself would reach a lakh. Right now I am thinking i should let go off this petty thing.


    But the major problem is the invitation portion. They had drafted an invitation and sent to us, that reads like they are inviting everyone for this function (mentioning our names),as if they are the primary invitors. I had already checked from my side of the family and extended family for similar invitations. the format is whoever the function is for that couple is the inviters followed by both sides parents name. I felt that is very neutral and sent a format suggesting that. The yours faithfully section has his parents name and my late parents name below it on the left side and the right hand side will have our names. We just sent the format an hour back and while on the phone when my husband said the minor correction is that it will be like we are inviting,instantly my mom in laws voice broke,she became offensive saying this is not how it is done in our side...my husband said look at it first and we will discuss later. Within 10 mins we get a very rude and harsh email from FIL saying that

    1.it is very disrespectful to them,

    2. Including my deceased parents name below their name is like considering them also dead

    3. They will not door deliver this invitation to their relatives

    4. Remove his parents name and his siblings name from it

    5. Do everything asp per our wish

    6. They will not get involved

    7. We can conduct this function after their death.!


    Immediately my husband called them, and she is like crying, dont kill us like this,we have another son too,we need to live for his sake..blah blah blah, my husband tried to explain ,I was only trying to give importance to my parents as well and nothing to disrespect them. She wouldn’t listen, she said for your wife since her parents are not there,she treats as if we also dont exist,not giving us enough respect


    I don’t see, where their respect have been compromised. They are there in the primary inviters list. But that is not enough,they want to take all the credit to themselves (even if we are paying for sll expenses) and boast among relatives.when that is not happening they cannot accept it. The invitation is neutral


    My question is when will the children get to conduct functions their way,if you they will be the primary ones.are we not adults? If this continues we won’t get to do any function in our name,the we will start imposing same things on our kids? Intervening in every small thing!


    I got soo mad, that they weren’t even ready to discuss it before sending out such email. I said call of the function. We had already paid full amount for tha hall and no refund but after all this,I would not want to do anything with them or the function! we even told them that,but she was saying no lets talk about it. My husbands stand is that he doesn't want to hurt their feelings, and they want things in certain way and if that is not going to happen then they will be upset. he doesn't want to take my side and blindly supports them.but he said cancelling is best with so much issues surfacing even at this early stage.

    I cannot go ahead after hearing so much from them. they cannot stand including my parents name? what sickening attitude..I dont want to ever see their face again.


    I am thinking to cancel the whole india trip. Let me know your opinions!
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    There is so much negativity about the function already.
    Whoever backs down will be bitter .
    Just cancel.
     
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry to say but you have a husband problem, not an in-law problem. All this could have been avoided if he put his immediate family first. I'm guessing you are performing the thread ceremony for your son? It is unacceptable to talk that way about your parents. And this important function should a happy occasion and all about your son, not the grandparents. If you can, cancel the grand ceremony and see if you can conduct a simple one in the US.
     
    sindmani and shri0218 like this.
  4. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    You should cancel and do it when you are in India and can do all the arrangements yourself.

    If you take inlaws help , they will have their preferences .

    I thought city discussion was Unneccesary , you should do it either at your city or husbands city , thinking about conducting in some other city is kind of unnecessary.

    Food Choices , they would know best as they are one who are in india currently and will know what is the trend . Things are expensive in India so it may look over expensive but everybody does the same , give wightage to their opinion there.

    You are right about invitations and including your parents name in it and stand by it but somehow I got the feeling that you are not so happy with your inlaws organizing the event and checking with your relatives on stuff and that might be causing friction .
     
  5. radhaparth2000

    radhaparth2000 Platinum IL'ite

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    You are doing a function (close to a wedding as per your post) for your son in India where you need some trusted help to arrange things for you. Look things from this angle. Your priority should be to conduct this successfully and you and your husband kids enjoy every second in the function.

    Your in laws are doing arrangements. You may had relatives from your side to help, but as your parents are no more it's natural for you to fall back in your in laws. So let few things go, as your inlaws are still alive, print invite in their name and add ur parentas, siblings name in 'best compliments' section and move on. Old parents and in laws are known for emotional blackmail and the more you try to prove you are right it gets worst! So let this go!

    Me and my spouse let my inlaws do grahapravsham for 2/3 properties we bought. My husband wanted his parents to do the first one as they never had a chance to do this. I took with the perspective that I have time to take care of guests and spend time with my extended family. We are not outside India, still I didn't make a big deal out of it! For the 3rd housewarming I told my husband that we didn't do any function after wedding and made it clear to my inlaws that I am doing it and not them. I arranged all from food and other things. It came as a blessing in disguise that I conceived right the next month after this house warming and functions followed like seemandham and my daughters birthday.

    Strike a deal with your husband and let this go. In the function direct all things to ur inlaws and plan how to get dressed and what to gift for ur side of relatives, let her decide their side. Cancelling the function is the easiest, but it's not going to make you or your husband happy!!
     
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  6. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    If I were you, I wouldn't cancel the function I planned for my son. I would add my parents name, do the function my way and let people who bring positive vibe come to the occasion and bless my son. The parent in laws would definitely attend because they must be ashamed if they don't attend grandchild's function quoting petty reasons.
    If you won't be able to do that - just cancel the function and India trip.
     
  7. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Hosting a function like this in India is a lot of work.
    Ur PIL taking the responsibility for it actually makes ur life a lot easier and yes when they are doing it they will do it in a city they are familiar with . Brushing it away does make me wonder how fair u are in presenting ur issues. Ur uncle is not ur immediate family like ur FIL. So u aren't really sacrificing anything.
    Do u have a budget constraint ? One lakh for food is actually very reasonable for a function where u think u need to book a hall like a wedding. The over all diff between a good menu and really good menu among most caterers in India is not that much . Let me give u reasonable breakdown. For about 250 people Rs.75 a plate for breakfast and about Rs. 150 per lunch and Rs.150 dinner easily comes to about a lakh. Whats the difference in the cost between the men u are suggesting and the one they are ? Don't make everything an issue. Pick and choose ur battles wisely.
    If this is upanayanam(guessing)..that is how its done in many families. I am surprised no one told u this. Its actually rather common in south. When the grandparents are alive the invitation letter is crafted as if they are inviting esp the one in native language(it also has a name ..manjal patrikai). There is usually a second invitation printed in English (for friends) in which u as the parents will invite. It has nothing to do with who is paying. Its childish to think that way.
    Yes that is how it will be taken ...its a sensitive matter in most households. A primary invitation sent without the grandparents name is taken to mean that he is no more. No u do not email a minor correction. Ur husband should have called and gracefully and asked if its possible for them to print another ...one which would be mostly for ur colleagues and friends and chosen the content for it and distributed the invitations accordingly.
    Its unfortunate that u began what should be a happy occasion with a fight. I do not know how much damage has been done and how late it is... If I were you I would as DH to call them apologize say that we can have a second invitation with whatever content u want.
     
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  8. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, this is true. This is how it is in my family. The invitation is sent 'from' the oldest family member on the paternal side - usually the grandparents (or even great-grandparents, for some of the lucky ones!). The Sanskrit / Tamil invite + an English version for the heathens is also routine. As for the "don't kill us ..." etc. it's drama, unfortunate and unnecessary, but then it is tradition (and a bit of superstition) that underlies it. It is not necessarily directed at you. People used to the tradition might experience it as great disrespect to have the invitation come from junior members of the family. It is also true that an invitation is sent from someone else only when the elders are no more. In my family, this is just not done.

    It is considered a blessing to be able to perform these rituals under the auspices of family elders. I have seen situations where, if the grandparents are deceased, then the grand-uncle or someone in a similar elder status is accorded that respect. It does not automatically devolve to the parents. The idea is that you, as a parent, are seeking the blessing of the elders for your son - the grace flows from the cosmos through the elders through you to your son. It is designed to reinforce the continuity of the generations. You are included in it - not excluded.

    I understand that this may not apply to your family traditions. However, if some cousin or niece of mine were to bring this up, my advice would be to back off with alacrity, explain that it was all a misunderstanding and seek their blessing with humility. Of course, they may not be deserving of such respect and they may have hurt you in many other ways - but that is a different story!
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2017
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  9. candidheart

    candidheart Platinum IL'ite

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  10. candidheart

    candidheart Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks armummy.
    Max vacation we could have is three weeks, and it is not possible to organize things within that short span. halls and contractors need to be booked well in advance these days. so that is out of question.

    I brought the city discussion and menu, to say that I have let go off things. And menu yes like other poster has mentioned this is our first time organizing something big by ourselves so may be I was a bit overwhelmed at the prices! They want to keep everything under their control.I am fully aware that since we are not there to make all decisions we need to compromise. But we cannot completely be aloof. I do want to be a part of the function. I do my research online, enquiring for video, entertainment, decoration etc. Though they are living there they too don't have much exposure. It is their first time too. I understand all that. So am not pushy.

    The main reason I wanted this to be grand was, when I got married since my husbands grandpa was in serious condition our marriage was preponed and it happened in a simple way in temple. So I wanted this to be a little grand and also for my son to enjoy

    first of all they didn't gives us the full details of how the function is done from their side. She keeps changing things after we discusss our plans, so as to always have her way!.that is what is annoying. why can't we discuss things and reach neutral grounds. any small thing said hurts them.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2017

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