Ask BiL to move out

chikfiesta · Jan 4, 2012

Hi All,

I have been a silent reader of this website past 1.5 years and now could use some advice.

Making a long story short

Me and DH:Ours was an arranged marriage.Been married for almost 3 years.We get along very well and have no issues amongst us.Built a house big enough for PiLs,us and to be born child.Lived in India with PiLs before moving out of country.Going back later this year.

Me&PiLs: We had our own issues but things sorted out and we got used to living with each other.

Me&BiL:We don't get along very well.

BiL&co-sis:Extremely manipulative and blatant liars.I have been given strict warning from DH and my parents not to get too friendly with them.

Right from Day 1 of my interaction with DH he said his parents would be staying with us.I was ok with it.But he never explicitly mentioned about his brother who was then working in another city and it never occured to ask about him.About 1.5 years after our marriage,BiL landed at our home with his luggage as he got a job in the same city.I was not happy about this initially as he never bothered to ask DH if it was ok for him to move in.He was unmarried then so I adjusted.

BiLs marriage prep started few months later.PiLs,DH and BiL talk about everything in the world except discussing their own problems.PiLs have always been secretive about BiLs life and his plans.Even if we ask they don't tell clearly.There was no communication between the 2 brothers.It was always via parents.PiL will never discuss BiL's personal life in front of us.Before he got married I wanted to make sure from PiLs if BiL n wife would stay with us post marriage.MiL told no they will not stay with us (they were still upset abt his love marriage).I was not convinced and asked DH to confirm again.It took me weeks to convince him and finally a fight he went and asked for the heck of it.That time MiL made statements to DH like "don't you want him to stay with us" "you should have told him before he would have been prepared then..now we are just few weeks away from wedding".FiL walked away from the room.DH said "let him come back from his honeymoon and join back work.Then let him start searching".

Meanwhile,DH got transferred abroad so we asked them to stay with PiLs so that they wudn't be alone and BiL cud save on rent advance and all.

Now the problem is these people including my DH need to be told directly and don't understand by indirect behaviour,hints about anything.From some conversations I learnt that my PiLs told BiL that we didn't want him in our house after his marriage.This is true.But didn't my inlaws also want him to live separately.This hurt me.But I try to forget it and not pick it up.Again when we go back to India I am 100% sure we have to start telling them to move out.The major reasons why we don't want them with us is extremely practical and not emotional
1. All 4 of us work.BiL and his wife work in different timings.DH and I are in research and we don't have strict timings but it almost 16 hours a day.
2. MiL dominates the kitchen and has her own adamant food habits.Roti is the most staple food.Every morn for bfast and my lunch,co-sis lunch it is roti.MiL wakes up early and prepares the sabzi.By the time I get up I am expected to make roti for everyone i.e.20-22 every single morn in 1 hour and then get ready n head to work.Co-sis is newly married and diff work timings so she never comes to kitchen during bfast time.I suffered with immense shoulder pain and told DH.He told MiL.She was adamant abt her food habit and told me to make as much as possible rest she will do.But that was only for a day or two then I would be doing everything else as she would escape from kitchen when I was making roti.
3. My parents are not comfortable in coming and staying with us in my BiL and his wife's presence.DH and I had an understanding that my parents would stay with us whenever they felt like or needed our physical help.Once we go back we plan to start our family and I will ask my parents to come n stay with us for few months.

DH when he told his parents about point 1 and 2.They just overheard it.And it became more of a "She doesn't want them"

I don't want to start this drama about convincing DH asking him to talk again when we go back.Its really makes me feel like a villain even though the main intention is not about splitting the family but I was not mentally prepared for such a big family.I lose all my energy in just convincing DH to talk to his family about any problem and only when I lose my temper..cry fight he goes and talks to his parents in such a manner as though I have told him to say things.I don't know if I can blame DH.He's just too lost in his own world of work,extremely clean hearted and is not really good when it comes to talking to people.

Please advice on how should I handle this situation.How do we ask them to move out when we go back.I know it will take 1-2 months for it to happen but how do I get this done peacefully.

Thanks and sorry for the long post

ars · Jan 4, 2012

So your h doesnot mind having every one around. Unless he wants his bro to move out he won't be firm in asking your pils or bil.
So far you have been telling h what you want. Instead of fighting and crying for a change ask your h what does he want.
If he sincerely wants the bro to move out than he should make it happen before you land back in India.
If he doesnot want bil to move out so he can look good to the society than you have to come up with a plan of how you will split expenses, house work, and entertaining your guests at home.
All the best.

chikfiesta · Jan 4, 2012

DH also doesn't want them to stay with us because he feels there will be lot of adjustment problems.He is very clear on this that it is just us and his parents.All this he clarified while we discussed on what to speak to PiLs

ars · Jan 4, 2012

If he is very clear in what he wants. Than ask him what is holding him back to ask. Does he have fear of hurting feelings, society or whatever. Instead of fighting and crying calmly explain him how he can over come his fear and communicate clearly to bil. I think it's not a good idea to bring mil and fil in-between.

Pamela15 · Jan 4, 2012

chikfiesta,

your experience above has been exactly like mine! We'd been married for almost 4 years and BIL moved in cuz of new job in our city, he got married in a few months and got his wife along, plus my PILs were there... they were with us for 1 year, and believe me, it was hell for me. My BIL n co-sis used to treat my house as a free resort, I was working, had an infant and was managing the entire kitchen. MIL is attached to BIL and would say that co-sis is new in family so we should give her time to adjust. I never got any time to adjust!! I was in kitchen since day one. Co-sis wouldnt do much in kitchen on weekdays as she had to travel longer distance and used to leave by 8am and used to reach by 8pm - on weekends she used to sit with a book in a corner and say she has to pick up new technologies and doesnt get time at work to study, or she wud go to the parlour or start fixing her wardrobe. I had flexi timmings, but tons of work pressure and a small baby to take care of as well, so it was really stressful - but MIL never supported me. BIL n co-sis never shared a single expense though both were working.
DH saw all this for sometime, but after sometime - he had a discussion with PILs. MIL lied that she n co-sis support me all the time - DH knew she was lying. He did ask her to break tasks so that co-sis is more involved - but nothing happened. This made BIL n co-sis more bold and they would take us for granted for everything - in my own house!!
Eventually, DH told my PILs that he cannot support my BIL n co-sis forever, esp with the way they are behaving, there was lot of emotional rona dhona from my MILs side, including a lot of emotional blackmailing, FIL was abusive and started name calling my parents. But hubby was firm. Most of the times, when my PILs get frustrated, they take it out on DILs and her parents - that how my ILs were. Why we involved the PILs - as BIL will never discuss anything with DH and hide behind his mommy. My FIL would say that it is a joint family and the house is joint - me n hubby bought it, and pay the EMIs, and we were running the household expenses - so there was no question of this being a joint family or a joint house!!
Anyways, my BIL n co-sis moved out, eventually. Things are better now - its been more than 4 years since this happend.

I can sense the same type of issues coming up in your case. Best is to let your hubby discuss with PILs first. If he has a good rapport with BIL, he can talk to BIL directly - one on one. Believe me, there is NOTHING wrong in asking your brother/BIL to move out - it is socially acceptable these days. And relationships get worse by being under the same roof. I have seen cases where brothers live under one roof as a single unit, but it requires a lot of understanding, compromises, adjustments, and sharing from all the individuals. If there is just one person making all the compromises, it will never work.

All the best!!

chikfiesta · Jan 5, 2012

@ ars

We had to involve PiLs about this prior to the marriage.DH learnt his lessons when he tried to involve parents for everything and he knew his mom would change her statements frequently.

As Pamela has written we r in the same boat.We r considered ATMs and b-i-l doesn't contribute a single pie.As I mentioned he's extremely manipulative.He will spend for parents like taking them out and so PiLs treat him like Best son ever to be born on earth.

Irrespective of how much concern I show for the family and go out of the way at times to do things for them I have been labeled as a bad girl.I cannot be like DH being good to everyone.I just wish they have some common sense from the past experience that they were asked to stay only while we were away.

I guess the only solution from Pamela's experience is DH has to talk to his bro about this and I need to have patience for a few months after we move back.Its really annoying how many times we have to keep putting our foot down towards PiLs and remind them this is not a joint family but we are slogging our a** off to pay up the EMIs.

I got a suggestion from a friend to gift co-sis a kitchen cookware set when u head back...that will give her a big hint :rotfl

ars · Jan 5, 2012

Why can't your h talk to his bro about it before you land up in India.
He should tell him to look for houses so he can move by the time you are back. In that way your bil will have enough time to look for a house and you don't have to face all the stress when you return.
Since you are already a bad guy so why do you worry. Speak your mind. They won't give you a best dil award or best sil award if you are quiet and nice.
Why gift anything to cosis? Is she nice and friendly to you.
Maybe she will get the hint by your gift or act dumb than you have to voice your opinion.