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As a woman, why would you give dowry to get married?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by blackbeauty84, Jan 3, 2012.

  1. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    My friend recently announced her marriage and I felt very happy for her. Her parents were searching a suitable alliance for her last 3 years. But she later said that her dad gave Rs. 3 lakhs as dowry and promised to buy the house hold appliances & utensils for the couple to settle down.
    I was very shocked to hear this. My friend is working in software field earning more than 50,000 per month. Her dad was working as an auditor & family is well settled. Why would a well settled, educated family give dowry for marriage? I mean with her salary she can very well settle down in the new house. When I asked my friend her response was this is a common practise in my caste.

    If I were in my friend's place I would have said no to this marriage. My question is as a woman why would you give dowry & get married?In a case like this,What hope you have in the future that this guy is not after your salary or further dowry?
     
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  2. renutn

    renutn Gold IL'ite

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    Wow... a very good thread u have started; I too wonder when a well educated girl came from a well family would do like this
    Old days are gone where girls are not getting proper education and system made the girl parents to give dowry to the boy's family; but why now?
    And in fact in some cases girl's parents provoke the boy to take the dowry like by saying we are not giving it to you it is for our daughter.

    Does dowry system is good ? can any of IL's who got married by paying the dowry can answer this?
     
  3. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    BB, I think the answer to this lies in the fact that although education is meant to empower, its entire purpose has been subverted. Here "education" is used as a word which replaces "qualification" and an "educated" woman is seen solely as a member of the household who will bring in the moolah. It has unfortunately not done anything to give her any dignity or to improve her standing in society.

    A large majority of parents still see daughters as "paraya dhan" (somebody else's property entrusted to them for safe keeping) and as a responsibility to be handed over to the first man who would willingly take her off their hands. The ILs see her as a welcome addition who would relieve them of the drudgery of household chores, provide them with an additional source of income and comforts and also grandchildren to play with.

    But the saddest cut of it all is that these "educated" girls fall for all kinds of emotional blackmail without taking a firm stand against it whether it be:

    1. Marrying on parents' terms and conditions - when, to whom, how ...... - never mind what her own wishes and convictions are.

    2. Toeing the line in keeping pils and husband "happy" without a word of protest - otherwise she and her parents will get a "bad name". She will appear like a real life Jezebel.

    3. Not protesting against any injustices and in the image of the "good Indian woman" just keep shedding tears.

    In this respect I am really proud of some of our "real" Indian girls from smaller towns who may not be so highly "qualified" who have got the bridegroom and his parents arrested in the wedding mandap when they have dared to make the most ludicrous demands (I love the Hindi word "dussahas" or misplaced gall/guts to describe the behaviour of such bridegrooms and their families). And I also admire young men in the crowd who have come forward in appreciation of these girls and offered to marry them.
     
  4. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    may be such a long search made her/family to compromise?
     
  5. kiranavvari

    kiranavvari Gold IL'ite

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    I completely agree with Satchi. Parents think that the children are educated by providing the education from college which is mere qualification and does not serve any purpose more than qualifying them for appearing an interview. But how many parents think that there is much more in the context of education rather than just the qualification. Once we get out of colleges, only then we realise that how difficult it is to survive, but unfortunately most of the times we fail just because we were not knowing how to deal with the situations, not because we are not capable to deal with the situations.

    And, with respect to dowry, I know one of my friend when she was adamant to reject the dowry, how her own family members talked about her. And, at such an age, when she was just is about to finish her college, and when she was not exposed to any thing other than the sweetness and caringness from family, I think it is extremely difficult for any one to come out of that emotional pressure. Finally her family members convinced her saying that when we are in a position to take dowry (which probably mean groom) we should oppose to take, but when we are in a position to give (which mean bride), we should follow the society norms. But question is how many people reject when money comes in. not many. Thats why this dowry system is still flourishing, and actually in the upward trend as well.
     
  6. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    When I was in college sometimes we had a discussion among friends regarding would you agree if groom asks you dowry... then I used to say...yes I will give dowry without hesitation and simultaneously I will by a dog of same amount. If tomorrow he says something...I will scold him back saying "See i bought you and the dog at same time....you are barking and he is not... learn to be like him.. " :p .

    But yeah DH and In laws didn't ask at all . I don't like dowry in marriages
     
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  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    What is the guarantee that families who don't apparently ask for upfront dowry really dont want it... now or later?

    With current trend of treating dowry as a crime/ ****ty business / lowly affair... guys families have adopted to resorting to ways which can be unclear to the bride's family... resulting into lifelong conflicts.
    Greed has no boundries and if it isn't present today there's no confirmation it wont be there tomorrow.. a lot of comparisons happen post marriage.

    Sometimes I feel the families who upfront fix everything are much better than those who leave it as a guess work with their double talks ... and then pass the blame game.
    My sincere appreciation for those families who really dont have any demands now and later but are really rare to find...
     
  8. mybaby1

    mybaby1 Gold IL'ite

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    hi black beauty,

    this is the thought i have been arguing with my husband my parents and many more but the same answer..it happens this way.
    like in my case my husband never wanted a penny(so its not alwaz the guy) but it was his parents whom he cannot confront out of so called respect..! & as they also did everything for their daughter inspite of this that she is a docter..and will do for their second daughter who ia a gazzeted officer earning 80k pm.
    the irony is( what i encountered after marriage) that those girls are completely ok with it.so to be frank what i came to know is that its not just the education that opens your mind its also the beliefs that your parents & society instill in you right from your childhood..now here both my SILs want to be alwaz on receiving part inspite of being educated & financially stable and allwaz singing song that its the boys who has to take care of parents.
     
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  9. SallyR

    SallyR Silver IL'ite

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    Don't have time to write a proper reply today but wanted to say something quick...we need to educate our young ones (both boys & girls) in school and teach them about the unfairness of dowry system & make them aware of different laws against it.

    When we are brought up in an environment where everyone gives & receives dowry we don't question it much...accept it as part of life...so our education system should take on the job to educate our kids about why dowry is bad.
     
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  10. shruthisp

    shruthisp Gold IL'ite

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    With first hand experience i totally agree to ShilpaMa..
    The tactic which i have seen is ,
    Before bringing up engagement itself they will asses the potential(financial) of the bride family and mindset(wrt to dowry), then
    the groom side will first say whatever you want to do for your daughter we have no queries, but so and so from our society will ask so let us know what u r doing...
    Later once the marriage is over they will crib about everything what has been done earlier by the bride family and ask for more by demeaning the bride and her family.. Since the bride's family has the potential, to have their respect and for saving their daughter's married life the brides family will be forced to budge in...
    Yes Greed has no boundries.. These kinda ppl are Parasites who will suck the last drop of blood..
     
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