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Are you at peace without clarifying..what do you do?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Happy2be, Jan 27, 2012.

  1. Happy2be

    Happy2be Gold IL'ite

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    Just a li'll inident at my place gave me this thought ...in fact such incidents are very common at mine and I think many places and may be all of us get this thought later - How do other DIL's behave?
    Like at times some topic comes up where MIL misunderstood you or DH or both of you as one and pointed out to DH in a little disturbing manner... what happened here today was that a small topic came up..which me and DH simply forgot t o share with MIL..neither was it that important or of much interest to her, thats what we had in mind. Yesterday night, MIL asked DH about it in an indirect way and he told whatever it was..without understanding her pont behind asking until she pointed - why did you have to lie to me and not tell me about this straight away...he cleared that we didn't lie to you...it just wasn't that impt and till now I dont remember whether we shared this with you or not...but AS USUAL...she gave a NOT CONVINCED look and kept mum. DH came and told me and I also felt that it wasnt that impt neither did I took it that way as to tell in advance...it was just about a piece of furniture that we had decided many times in our talks to dispose...My parents needed and we gave it to them but it somehow didn't serve them..They asked us to take it back but DH told that in any case we had to put this away because he planned for a room renovation at that side..and DH tol him that you give it away. MIL asked that if you had to sell it..why did you lie to me that you are gining it to them and sold it thru them. DH clarified...that mom you never had any interest in it whenever we asked for your suggestion..and it didnt fit in their room..there was no fun bringing it back here and then selling it...and in any case we had to do away with it...According to him, she wasn't convinced.
    He was upset that she doesn't trust us even for such petty matters and thinks we lie to her...she has a basic nature of not trusting us for anything..we know that whereas if for some required matters, whenwe have to mould things or hide from her, me and DH feel guitly about it but have no other choice in those selected cases.
    Now, DH is the kinds..and being the Son , I think...doesn't feel the need to clarify or convince her properly..I talked to DH and FIL..both said..whatever be it..she will keep having doubts about small and big things..how many times we shall keep convincing her for different matters..This happens many many times. I know she is the kind of lady who registers things in her mind and might come out with it even after months and since this invloved my parents..I was all the more restless..not disturbed though. SHe doesn't clarify ever..and I never want to leave anything assumed between any family member. I feel that causes misunderstandings....although DH tells me no need to keep convincing her..for some impt things..I do keep shut where I think it might worsen the doubts..but today just while working..casually I started and cleared to her and she kept moulding the topic here and there...UNTIL I said that DH felt bad when you said we lied to you. DOn't you trust us ..and why would we lie to you for such petty matters..I could see she was then trying to clear her point..I told her that we understand she would like to know and theres no wrong in it but she should plz keep this out of her mind that we ever lie to her...
    Later I am feeling that now she might again get to DH that why did he tell me about their talk..although she knos we share all talks :)...I told her I didnt mean to disrespect you but I am clarifying so as there be no misunderstandings and she said no no..I trust you..after SIL's marriage you are my daughter..why would I doubt you :) hhhmmmpphhh...

    So, I was just thinking when something similar happens at your place with in laws..what do you and your DH's do?
     
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  2. dakshayaeni

    dakshayaeni Silver IL'ite

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    Hi friend,

    I will answer your question given on the post 'are you at peace without clarifying' - well my answer is a big NO. No matter whether its with my IL, social friends, forums, colleagues, if there is any misunderstanding, I really am not at peace w/o clarifying. Clarification either can complicate the matter, in which case I come to know it is being politicized or people simply have time to talk about these and quite often it simplifies misunderstandings. My take is whatever be the outcome, we must try to clarify own position and be clear in our conscious. I liked your thread btw..its more like me..
     
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  3. Happy2be

    Happy2be Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for making me feel..Im not the only restless being :)
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    From my experience .. I've learnt to be at peace with ppl with whom I can clarify, who can talk calm, understand other's point of view and accept and give things without feeling hostile or underestimated.

    With inlaws & hostile colleagues/ neighbours.. its totally different, they either win the discussion even when wrong or they feel insulted if their odds were pointed at (bahut zubaan chalti hai/ chup rehna to seekha hi nahin hai).. became totally hostile in self defense. In such cases the essense of discussion is lost.
    Whatever words were being used for clarification were further twisted and used against you...
    In short whereever I feel its inviting the bull... I make peace with ppl having their own perceptions and living in their well.... as long as they don't dangerously tred on me....
     
  5. RJMK

    RJMK Silver IL'ite

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    I agree to Shilpa Ma....I clarify with people for whom I really care for or I tust them that they will listen or understand..FOr others I just keep quite or ignore..Initially I was not like this.I used to be very restless and upset about thing or blames on me and used to go ahead and clarify..The outcome was that I am mean and very loud so I stopped bothering..Anyhow the blaming business will never stop..
    Yes if its Mom,H or my close frens I will definitely clarify but rest lime MIL,SIL etc I dont bother...
     
  6. Happy2be

    Happy2be Gold IL'ite

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    ShilpaMa and RJMK are very true about their statements. I always try to keep out of such things but I also honestly agree that I haven't yet been much successful about controlling my restlessness. The few cases that I mentioned that I do not go forward to clarify, they are such like you both mentioned..where I know its useless trying to talk and its gonna hit me back..in those I just make it a point to make it clear to DH so as he knows the right picture and then can interpret whatever after MIL's words...cos MIL never says as such in front of me even though she knows DH will tell me or that I will not speak in some particular matters...she always talks to him separately and I am ok with this..its about her comfort level.
    I really wish I can stop myself from bothering and stay cool, calm and normal like DH in almost all situations and with time most of them sort out..the only BIG difference being...if it was a case invlolving DH only MIL will sooner or later forgive and forget..or even if bring her ego in between, it won't be that bad..but if it were with me....it might not be that easy :) this is what makes me restless...moreover..sons will go out after breakfast..sit with MIL for say an hour or so daily..do not have to share housechores with them and somewhere with DIL's all this along with misunderstandings goes hand in hand..Isn't that true?? :)
     

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