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Are you a only daughter?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Mrudhani, Nov 23, 2011.

  1. Mrudhani

    Mrudhani Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    Are you a only daughter for your parents I mean without any siblings?

    Have you ever had a guilt feeling that you are not able to do much for your parents after marriage.

    I am an only daughter for my parents, and my parents had given more than what they could give for me. Now Iam married and have kids.
    Even though my parents are capable of doing things by their own, I have feeling that i am not able to support them emotionally or financially. Had i been a son for them, i could have done much more.

    After marriage parents become like any other relative.

    Have u ever discussed with your husband about taking care of ur parents may be after some number of yrs( in their oldage). What did ur Dh say?

    I feel that when you have the right to inherit to your parent's properties being an only kid, you have the responsibility to take care of them as well.

    I am interested to know what u have got to say.
     
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2011
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  2. RemyaSatya

    RemyaSatya Bronze IL'ite

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    hi,
    I feel this is a nice post, I am not an only daughter, I have a sister, but she is too young, who is doing schooling.
    I am married for more than 3 yrs, and about supporting my parents I have talked to my husband in our first meeting itself, and he agreed. I am from an average family, which doesnt has much of savings other than some land inherited from grand father. So even for the marriage expenses, we had to take loans to meet all the expenses, and I am the one who supported them to repay all of them. I do support my sis' education, as it became too costly compared to 10 yrs back. so I guess supporting our parents can be done with a good understanding with your hudband.

    talk to him, and try to find out whats his opinion, and what can be done.
     
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  3. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    the issue exists even in families with multiple children.in my case i have a brother who just started working.even though my DH is supportive of helping my parents,they don't agree or as for anything fearing it might spoil my married life-though this generation girls want to be treated equal to men the older generation is not able to come to terms with it-it was not them but the surroundings in which they were brought up.
     
  4. Mrudhani

    Mrudhani Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Remya,
    You are doing a gr8 job ...very inspiring!!! Touch wood!
     
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  5. SiriVeda

    SiriVeda Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Iam not the only child...I have a younger brother who is settling down in his life just now and mainly he is not in India.

    We lost our father two years ago and my mother lives alone now. (She is working in hyderabad and my husband is based out of chennai). I keep coming to hyderabad with my one year old now and then, but that doesnt satisfy me.

    We tried to get my mother transferred to chennai, but it did not work out.She is not interested in moving to chennai as her entire eco system is in hyderabad and she is very devoted to her job.We cannot move out of chennai as my DH's job is here. The guilt that Iam not near my mother to take care of her eats me always. A work around seems to be possible only after my mother's retirement
    :((((.....

    Sirisha
     
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  6. papoosh

    papoosh Bronze IL'ite

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    Good Post. While I am not an only daughter, I am the eldest. My younger sister just started working. Having said that, it is all about the equation you have with your husband and how well you are able to put your priorities across.

    In my case, I am lucky to have an extremely understanding husband who truly believes my family is his too..so part of our combined budget is allocated to how much we would allocate to supporting my parents as well.

    On top of that, there is no differentiation on his part in terms of whether we are paying for flight tickets for my parents or his, whether he buy gifts for them or me or even in terms of how often I might want to visit them (which could work out expensive considering my parents live at the other end of the country from where I am).

    Lastly, while a lot of it is dependent on how understanding our husbands are, we sometimes discredit them by assuming the worst and not even approaching the matter with them. I was initially very hesitant to talk to my husband about planning to have my parents move in with us as well in the long term. By the time I worked up the nerve to approach him with the issue, i realised what a waste worrying was, because it was something he had already thought of and was hurt that I felt I couldn't talk to him about it.

    So..yes, I understand the it might be a sticky issue to approach, but also, for all you know your husband could surprise you with tenderness beyond what you had thought possible. Good Luck!
     
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  7. iyerponnu

    iyerponnu Gold IL'ite

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    Hi

    This problem can occur even when there is more than one child. I am the eldest of two daughters and live in London. My sister lives in Bangalore.. She does come to my parents' aid when required. But as she is also working and has two little kids, it is not easy for her to do so at the drop of a hat.. Still, all said, they have come to a workable solution for this.. On the other hand, my husband is an only child and my in-laws are quite old too. They manage on their own, touchwood, though my husband travels a lot to Chennai to help them out. Us moving back to India is an option that we are not considering as of now due to various commitments. So, yed thigns are tough. I do not stop my husband from travelling to Chennai usually..though I did once when we had to go for my infertility appointment. I got the appointment after a lot of struggle and did not want to cancel it.

    Both of us know and have accepted that we need to support both parents. My husband supports me, at least in principle... so I need to wait and watch really. End of the day, it depends on the individual, though I would say we also need to stand up for ourselves and our parents.. If we are expected to say white is black for the sake of our in-laws, the least our husbands can do is say white is white for the sake of our parents!!

    Mythili
     
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  8. meerajesh59

    meerajesh59 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi
    I am the only daughter to my parents. My marriage is arranged one. My DH is also only son to his parents. When my inlaws contacted us that our horoscope matches, my first condition or obligation to them is that I will look after my parents after marriage. I will be physical,moral and economical support. They said that is obvious that I should look after them. I felt happy when they reacted like that. Even when me and my DH first met, I also asked him whether he has any objections on my conditions. He said he will support me. I was working before my marriage.

    I got married in September, I went to first diwali to my parents place and return back to my ILs place. Immediately after 2 days I got a call that my Dad is admitted in hospital for heart attack. I am completely shattered. I dont know what to do. My mom dont have enough money in hand. Since its few months after my wedding. At that time, my FIL gave me his Debit card and said have it with you and take whatever amount you need for your dad's treatment. My DH took me the same night to my place(Its one night travel from my ILs place). I cant forget that moment in my life.

    Now its 6 years after our marriage. Till my inlaws support me. I was working after my wedding for 2 years. Due to some health problems, I resigned my job.While I was working, I used to send money to my parents. When I resigned, I was worried about sending money. Immedietly,my DH said its my duty to send them money. I will send hereafter. Till now he is sending money to them.

    You may ask why you are not keeping your parents with you. I am ready to keep them with me. Even my inlaws prefer that. But my parents want to be alone for some time, they said they will join me when they really need my physical support. I am very proud of my ILs and my DH. My ILs and parents are mingling as friends. Now I am away from my ILS due to my DHs job. Even now my parents and ILs have good communication.

    My duty to both parents and loving ILs is to take care of them well in their old age. I want to be loving daughter for both family. My parents now have one daughter and a son (my DH).
     
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  9. lollipop

    lollipop Bronze IL'ite

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    I am an only daughter but since I am not married I have no such problem . But it is true that daughters face problems after marriage . I have seen my cousin couldn't help their parents as their husband did not like it .
     
  10. iyerponnu

    iyerponnu Gold IL'ite

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    Meena,

    Hats off to you and your husband... and of course to both sets of parents.

    Mrudhani,

    You have given the answer in your post.. when you have the right to inherit, you also have the duty towards them... I am sure you can discuss this with your husband and come to a good conclusion. I am not sure if you are working, but if you, I would suggest start saving something for them. Dont worry, I am sure your husband will support you :) Never let the fact that you were born a daughter eat you.. In my experience, the moment we start feeling for it, our relatives can start feeding on that!!

    Mythili
     

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