Are We Completely Blameless?

Completely agree with what you said.... one can face problems with one's on parents and siblings.... but then again the problem is that in our hearts of hearts we yearn for some approval from the people around us... The day the yearning for approval stops and one is at peace with a clear conscience about one's own actions then you realize no one else can affect you... ( studied something on similar lines on my course on Indian Philosophy and this has stayed with me since then.... the strength this gives you is unexplainable)

 

True that. There is often a price to pay for each victory ....and not always worth it.

Not sure its a gender thing. Battle won war lost... something like that. DH and I
been there a few times where we pushed just a bit too hard. It was almost never worth it in the end. Now we just dont it if both our hearts are not in it. That this translates into
"nothing gets done in the JAG household " is story for another day.
But that is a price I am willing to pay.

 

Assessing my self and my experiences in stages really helped me attain a level where I felt that it is very important to break this vicious cycle of cold war and since I come from an accounting and finance background that comes naturally to me. I work better with numbersComputer Typing and we have to do whatever makes life easy and gets you your peace of mind.

Of course there are many who have problems with siblings and parents but in that relation you can take out your frustration loudly without having to watch your words and feeling guilty. I have been married for 10 years and my brother for 8 years. He is a few years older than me But we still fight a lot, Those silly siblings fights. Sometimes they do take an ugly turn. but That stays just in between me and my brother, I never miss a chance of letting him know how egoistic he is, he is narcisst and passive aggressive, How his wife is tolerating him. He calls me a proud girl with bad attitude and after a few days we patch up and carry on with our lives again.

Now I cant tell that to my mil that stop judging me with every stare, I am not God I am bound to make some mistakes, I am years younger than you Please accept me as one of your own. There was no open channel of communication in me and my mil. I tried to communicate it to her but her indirect answer was no you really do not know how things work out at in laws home. Me and my husband had love marriage, I think she never accepted me whole heartedly.

I can openly talk with my mom where she is wrong in her relationship with her dil. My mom is very possessive for dinner sets and crockery which she has collected from various places over the years. She has huge emotions attached to that. When my sil (brothers wife) uses that she doesn't take that extreme care which my mom takes. Which is quite natural and that started to become a bone of contention in my mom and Sil. Without interfering directly I secretly told mom that just a few plates and cups are not worth the argument. They are fine china, they are bound to break for god sake do not fight over it. If they are so dear to you move them from kitchen cupboards to your own. My mom got the point and left that issue right there. My mom is happy to change for a peaceful home environment reason that's a big reason that things are very smooth in my mom and sil. Sil also knows that there is no one judging and controlling her in the house which leads to a happy home environment.

Many times I tried to talk to my mil but was back to square one. Things get worst when keep the frustration bottled inside, unwantedly u take out that frustration on your spouse and children which leads to further problems. Some people are not very happy with a shared victory idea. May be they think that sharing anything with dil is not worth it, even if it is a silly argument.

Things take an even ugly turn when you have to live in that environment 24/7. My life got better from the point when I realised that I need not seek approval or prove myself. If someone is being negative towards me that is there choice and it is not necessary that I have to respond back with negativity as well. I had to bring this change for my 4 year old. I want her to grow up as a content and positive person but if her mom starts loosing peace over her grandma's judgmental comments that wont set very good examples for her. I couldn't agree more with Rumi who says Yesterday I was young I wanted to change the world and now I am wise and I am changing myself.

I have realised that we all are blessed with different environment and differently temperamental people around us and it is not worth to loose yourself, your peace and contentment just to win a few arguments. It may not work for everyone but it surely has brought me huge peace of mind.

Things work differently for everyone, now some have no choice but to walk out from their marriages, there are some very good mils and very ugly dils. There is no one size fits all. you can deal with all this only if you have a strong connection with yourself.

Now lets see what stage four comes up with laugh1smiley. Since I have started following spirituality my husband says stage four would be You living on your own on either Himalayas or jungle.

 

Dear Satchitananda,

A wonderful thread has emanated from you.This is a topic running for centuries with no decision arrived at it.
But it is great that your title gives the prime solution.I am 73 completed, lived with my MIL for 35 long years.I was so fortunate to have an ego free MIL ,which I would like every woman to emulate.She was highly intelligent, accommodative and understanding to the core.Having lost her husband at the age of 28, she with her three children had to seek protection under her father, a strict disciplinarian.
A great point I admired in her was to think'Am I blameless?"before a conflict is likely to start.I have heard from her father ( my husband's grandfather)That it had been her attitude even from childhood and not after becoming mother-in-law.
In all the families there are family decisions on various issues.She would listen to all the arguments of others first and give her impartial opinion at the end without being judgemental.
There have been occasions when I would have lost my temper in my urgency to go to office or with anxiety about children's health.She would simply keep quiet.
In the evening daily we will have heart to heart talk for 30 mts and have made it a routine for nearly 3o years.Definitely she would say calmly and with determination that what I did was wrong and that she did not want to make me more tense in the morning hrs and and made me realise when I was receptive in the evening.

She never had any ego problem and was willing to learn so many things from me" We have to learn a lot from today's generation'she remarked.When my husband was seriously ill, she amidst her grief was a great pillar of support.She was an exemplor of how to to treat DIL with respect, how to make her feel homely and a well knitted member of the family.She will never talk ill of my parents or any of my relatives.In brief she knew what to care and what to ignore.She would never poke her nose as to how we manage house loans.She never raised any objection when I had to help my parents in distress.I hope to follow her completely in my realtionship with my DIL.

Sep first Sunday is National Grandparent Day, evidently includes Parents-in _law too.
When a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law do not get along, the resulting tension affects everyone in the family. Whether it's father-in-law, husband/son, daughter-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, or children/grandchildren, every family member is affected. Many often feel the need to take sides-- whether openly or in a quieter, more subtle way.

While some would like to save their wives from pain and hurt, mostly men want to get relieved of the mess.
Children/grandchildren are impacted because they love their mom and they love their grandmother. (Remember, kids see grandparents very differently than you do -- it's their grandma. Their relationship with your MIL is typically nothing like the relationship you have with her.) Children/grandchildren don't understand the issues being played out; they only notice the behavior both of you display, which can be confusing. They also are learning -- from both their grandmother and mother -- the way to treat people who matter to you.

No matter what the issues may be between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, everyone in the family knows about them. Unfortunately each member of the family sees the situation from their own perspective --meaning they bring their own personal history and emotional baggage along. As a result, it's difficult for any of them to remain neutral. These other in-law relationships become colored by what the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law do and say, which guarantees that the whole family pot stays pretty well stirred up!


Is it impossible to solve this mess?Never.
And obviously, the solution starts with the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. Here are some steps you as the MIL or the DIL can take to improve the outcome:



Take a step back, take a deep breath, and take an honest look at the bigger picture.


Ask yourself, Is this really how I want things to be in my family? Do I really want my family to see me as either the villain or the victim?

What can I do to start to make things better -- for me, for my in-law, and for the rest of the family?'Am I entirely blameless?"is the first step to start, as the title suggests.

Neither MIL ,nor DIL wantonly want to hurt others.

As unintentional as it may be, they do end up hurting other family members who love them.

Give it some thought. Whether you feel it is your mother-in-law or your daughter-in-law who is really causing the problems, remember that you are the one who has the power to turn things around.
Use the power positively to turn the table in your favour.That is what my MIL( who had not stepped into any school ) did and she walked the talk. Can't we, the educated do something in the interest of our own family?We cannot sacrifice the peace for winning over a few arguments.

Jayasala 42

 

Satchi, nice topic.

i think the difference is the husband. If the husband is neutral and not leaning on one side or the other (not mama's boy or Jhoru ka ghulam), both the MIL and DIL fall in line quickly.

I have a gem of MIL. Maybe because we haven't stayed long enough. She only visits us periodically. During that time, she takes complete control of the Kitchen and I don't make a fuss about it. I understand that she needs the kitchen to support my FIL and keep herself busy, so it is better if she keeps things easy for her to find. There are off and on comments but somehow it doesn't affect me more than a second. My husband is totally neutral and will convince me or his mother on any issue and would do so in absence of the other so that no one feels let down or proud.

 

well said....

For me it is not the approval i seek for what I got ..

it is more like...
i got it now? My all prime years wasted anyways...what difference does this victory make now that gray hair is already in my head....

or

got this victory, but then see a list of all other battles I still have to have to be there where I want to be or how i want to be