Are We Completely Blameless?

Well said, but i guess naive people like me need more than 2-3 yrs LOL

 

Great thread !
My thoughts are like this:
1) The MAIN issue in indian marriages that the marriage is NOT between two individuals. It is between two families. And most of the time than not, these families are COMPLETELY POLAR opposites. Their social backgrounds/social status/financial well being may be similar, but their thought processes (Parents of boy/parents of girl mentality), their culture and their upbringingings would be entirely different.

2) Marriage becomes a power struggle between these two families, in the midst of which the married people get churned. As with curd or milk, when churned - everything splits. People take sides, their nature changes and the whole fabric of the family changes - THIS whole process is most of the times blamed upon the latest addition to the family - the DIL .

3) The DIL - unable to bear the sudden transformation of people around her, the dream of ideal marriage shattered , can only see the negatives in people who have caused this distress - in this case , husband's parents.

I read an article recently where a famous doctor (psychologist ) has written that in every marriage - there is an adjustment period. No matter how well you know the person, you need time to adjust to his environment and family. Typically this period is 1 -2 years. In the indian society, this period is only 1-2 months. The new DIL is expected to set up everything and run the family in this 2 months. This creates unnecessary pressure - and the DIL most of the times falters and then falls. ILs are not happy and the cycle is repeated.

The solution - MATURITY from both sides. Parents need to let go of their kids and MAKE them live separately. Give them time to get adjusted to each other, before butting in to their lives. Be parents and stay out of their internal conflicts. offer advice only when asked by both of them.
Sons and daughters - Need to understand that parents are parents and will always be protective about them. They should not involve the parents in the domestic issues between husband and wife and ALL decision related to their own house should be made with the involvement of the spouse first and THEN the parent (only if needed. For example: What mattress should i buy for bedroom- decision solely by spouses. How should I invest 12 lakhs?- Discuss among the couple first and THEN talk to parents - because they may be more experienced and have their own good points).

Answer to the original question - NO. we are not. We are humans, they are humans. Only thing is the level of humanity differs

 

About marrying two families... i go by this....

What should happen: two individual marry each other
WHat they (indians) say happens: Two families get married
What actually happens : An individual (DIL) marries to the whole family

 

This....
Satchi..My only regret I wish I had learnt the "pick ur battles" lesson sooner.
Well at least it comes in handy now with my kids :thumbsup

 

A Very good effort Satchi, did u happen to read my mind because I was just thinking of a similar thread but was getting lazy to type. Acc to me My relationship with extended family has gone through several stages , But I think if u ask my mil she would say it was always the same, my dil is very proud, egoistic, rude and not suitable for marriage. The problem was that this is just her opinion about me. I do not know why on earth I let her opinion offend me so much. After all I know myself more than her, so it shouldn't have mattered so much.

My relation with mil has gone through three stages, Stage one: I Let her say things to me did not respond back instead of replying back to her I took all the frustration on DH. who is a gem. Gave him countless silent treatments. Which was wrong. Slowly I realised the problem and from there on it moved to stage two.

I started replying back. Started giving back then and there. It felt bloody good after every argument. I am being completely honest now I will not defend myself , In true words It inflated my ego and may be that's why It felt bloody good. I felt like a winner. whenever around mil I always had to be alert. Mind always sharp and working ready to respond for the next punch from mil. Hubby was becoming like a battlefield. Mil always trying her best to show me how I am not looking after DH AND DD well. What a terrible wife and mother I am. I would go two steps ahead in proving myself. I think its the desire to prove yourself which makes things worst. I was enjoying the stage two more than one. Mil was always escalating the fire in me by indirectly telling me that I am a terrible person, I was happily accepting that fuel. The flames of that fuel were always going through the roof of my mind. Mil was always on my mind. I had the secret desire to appreciated, but since I wasn't getting any affection and appreciation from mil that had the opposite effect. I think if any one knows how to handle stage two well will end up good.

Now my state of mind has moved on to stage three. where the opinion of others doesn't matter to me much. I have stopped getting offended. I do not prove my point anymore. Love and trust with husband has always increased. both of us live in each other. Daughter is a happy and well mannered child. Every one gets fed on time and the house is not fire. isn't all this enough to prove myself. Why did I have the desire to prove myself to mil. By blaming me mil was pressing my buttons and I was letting her do it. I have started loving peace rather than giving back. People can have all sorts of expectations from you, Its up to you how you react to those expectations.

Another thing which always bothered me all these years was that hubby had huge financial commitments towards his family and he has always proved to be a very good son definitely not acc to mil. But otherwise yes. In the early years I hated those commitments. But now I am proud of him. I have realised that money is not the most important thing in life Peace is. You can always earn money, but you really have to work hard on yourself to get peace.


Dh is having a tiff with mil over a matter of property, which he bought with his hard earned money. Its not getting anywhere and he is losing sleep over it. a few days back I was telling him not to bother about it, We are happy as a family, lets hope someday maa will realise that she is wrong and if that doesn't happen do not worry at least you will have that satisfaction that you did your best to look after your parents and he was like WHATT???? I do not expect that coming from you.

A few days back mil called me and tried put all the blame on me that I am ear filling him. Had it have happened a few months back I could have written a thread on it like what should I do, mil accusing me wrongly. But it doesn't matter to me now. I was calm over the phone, she was sounding like an insecure person. If she was in front of me at that time I could have given her a tight hug. I do not have any anger left on mil. I have forgiven her. I feel We all are designed to work in a specific way. I have realised that If a person cant change for better than rest of us do not have to loose sleep over it.

I saw the worst of my mil during my pregnancy. She behaved terribly no sane person does that a pregnant lady who is decades younger than you. But my husband was always on my side and that's what matters the most. I was immature instead of focusing on my husbands care and love during that tender period I was focusing on mils negative behaviour. She can be negative that's her choice, I do not why all these years I let her negativity affect me. Since my attitude has changed now, it might mend fences in us someday. Before I never bothered to make things right, but now I want to. I really want my mil to realise the beauty of life with loving relationships and that cant happen with me giving back and proving mypoint.

My dad and mom say when it comes to relationships Expect nothing, ignore all and do more. Before I thought this is rubbish.But it happens to you only when it comes from with in.


Pardon me if I have stretched too long, after all I had to sum up my feelings of last 10years

 

@Joyoflife- i loved your response. Just loved it - comes at a time when I guess I need to internalize it.
Thank you for starting this thread @satchitananda, really. I don't have much to say at the moment except that reading some responses bring solace to an often questioning mind.

 

I think the main problem comes, when each side doesn't want to be dominated/to put in other words, the insecure feeling in the family.

In the relationship with parents, there is no such insecurity for both the children and the parents. But with in laws or with DIL, the MIL doesn't want to be dominated, and in the similar way, the DIL doesn't want her MIL to be controlling when she has never lived a life like that before. Striking a balance here is the challenge.