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Are We Completely Blameless?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by satchitananda, Sep 2, 2015.

  1. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    As a continuation of Building Positivity in Married life Forum, let us talk about whether we are completely blameless when it comes to problems with our In-Laws.

    It's generally speaking, not very hard to get on with one's own family of origin, simply because we have grown up with them around us. Does not mean that it is all smooth sailing. We see their limitations but tend to gloss over them. We might fight with our parents and siblings as much as we like or criticize them, but we are unable to take others criticism of them. Why? Simply because we love them unconditionally as they do us.

    Come to relationships between ILs. What goes wrong? Obviously there are a lot of differences in family customs, amplified that much more if it is an inter-state, inter-religious, inter-cultural or inter-national marriage. Why is it we are not able to over come these differences?

    The reasons that come to mind are:

    • Expectations of others
    • Our defenses are always up and we are quick to take offense at real or imaginary slights even if we could accept the same behaviour from our own parents/siblings without question.
    • No matter what our romanticized notions of marriage, the concept of 'them' and 'us' creeps in somewhere. Comparisons start - my parents vs my ILs, my husband/wife vs me, the way 'we' (my FOO) do things vs the way 'they' (ILs) do things.

    All perfectly normal reasons. Happens to all of us. But do we ever put ourselves in the shoes of the other party and think what short comings they might find in us? What is our own contribution to that friction?

    Looking at our own warts in the mirror could help us be more accepting of the other side and their foibles. A basic degree of acceptance and understanding could lead to a realistic, healthier relationship even if it is not all sugary and diabetically sweet.
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I think the biggest shortcoming in their eyes would be my reluctance to open up with them.

    The in laws dil cycle is expected to follow a certain path. They being the strict in laws,treating the new member like a dil.The rather rough phase for dil.

    This is supposed to smoothen up over a period of time and the dil is supposed to open up(they too I guess).There is a saying that in 15 years dil and mil become like friends.

    I guess I did not let the smooth change to happen. I grew comfortable in the slightly abrasive ,formal relationship.The status quo is comforting to me as I am rather wary of what a change would bring.

    The second grouse would be my reluctance to take on the mantle of the 'elder dil'.Mil expected me to play that role of the bhabhi(sil) and jaithani (elder co sister).That is something I have never considered important. We all live in nuclear families and I think these roles work in joint family situations more. I don't see how I get to have the dominating role just because I married someone born earlier than others.

    These two are the grouses they may have justification in holding.

    Others are just the usual ones that I feel are not quite fair.
     
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Satchi , I think the major difference between our relationship with parents and in laws is about the ability to speak up with parents without causing major problems in life.The freedom to voice an opinion without the serious effect on our married life.
     
  4. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    In my case, i would say yes,,,,

    differences are endless and it even grew as they did not want to accept the way I am and always wanted to mold me in their die.... That is how it's done here and so forget your old home and old u ... that is so many things in few words.

    There was never openness to listen to me
    to allow me to pass some funny comment
    or it is ok not to know something.....

    I was so open and myself...and then i became like the turtle who goes in shell around them.....because i did not know when where i was being judge...

    and yes, I have put my self in their shoes just naturally as soon as my brother got married a year back or so.

    when my Bhabhi does something i feel like why does she do that....? that is not ok....and then i realize no...it is not me talking, it is how i have been brain washed for years by my in-laws...so then i become me and i know my bhabhi did not do anything wrong....


    my contribution to friction is

    - i got married too early (22....console1) and knew nothing about running home though already had been working and running a team (lo kar lo baat)

    - i was ok wearing whatever (shorts, skirts, sleevless) and was not ok wearing whatever (bindi, bangles, mangal sutra around the house)

    - I donot believe in God's puja though believe in God, and humanity tasks is my way of puja....


    and there is a list like that...

    not bragging but i had no expectations from them when i came in, but they planted the seeds by their behavior and now the tree of expectation has grown at my end....

    I can go on and on....but I am strongly believe no friction factors from my end
     
  5. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    True , i agree on vocing opinion yellomango
     
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  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    True YM. Looking at it from either side:

    A dil is wary of saying to pil what she would not hesitate to say to her parents. She also doesn't like it if they tell her to do or not do something which she might not mind coming from her parents.

    They on their part don't like the dil saying to them what they would take from their own children. Only difference is a lot of them do feel free to say to the dil exactly what they like, no matter how the dil feels about it :-D

    When we decide to look in the mirror and check out what our complicity in the whole matter is, it is obvious that they too have some unrealistic, unreasonable expectations of us and there is nothing we can do about that. The question is, is there anything that I do or don't do, which I can change, which will not hurt me in anyway.
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    The one way flow of freedom.....:coffee
     
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  8. docathome

    docathome Gold IL'ite

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    Nice thread.. I do believe that in my in law problems atleast, I do have a significant role:hide:.. But i think it's the expectations of others that create these problems initially.. When girls gets married, atleast in the Indian context, most are not too mature, worldly wise or culinary experts.. But in laws make it seem like these are basic prerequisites which you obviously should have, even if the guy is as immature, playful or clueless..

    Though we accept working girls, cos obvious monetary benefits, the fact that these girls should be as accomplished in the home sphere is considered a given, even though she may never have seen a kitchen in her life cos she was busy chasing degrees.. Atleast in my case that's what I feel.. Add to it a hotheaded, in your face, immature feminist n u get my in law problems :).

    Though initially I was at a loss with how to handle the situation, once I found out what the issues were I was more bugged.. I sure don't feel I need anyone to monitor what I cook, when I get up, how much I pray etc when if from afar.. Like you said, if it was my mom asking my response would been different but cos I know its some one asking to show her superiority n discuss her DIL's incompetence n her patience n longsuffering, I sure don't take it too kindly.. Few bad experiences n my defences sure are always up around my MIL, but I don't feel its without good reason.. Iv had interesting experiences like a discussion b/w my MIL n her eight sisters bout how I'm not falling apart weeping though my baby had a diarrhoea leading to them pitying my poor MIL!! I sure don't need such dramas again, I'd rather not let her into my privy circle again!

    Reg the them vs us, I don't think iv ever felt that.. There are a lot of differences between my parents n in laws lives but I just choose what suits us as a family.. Besides since both my parents n in laws don't interfere much now we just decide what we both r comfortable with n do it.. Besides, the society I live in is not too harsh with reg to customs or traditions, so it doesn't affect me much..

    But all the same putting myself in my MIL's shoes I don't think I would behave similarly cos my life is different from hers.. I have a loving husband, hardly any interference from parents or in-laws and live among ppl who are too busy in their own life to bother judging others.. She dint have these advantages. Though I do understand where she is coming from, I get irritated cos I feel I would've ignored many thing which she made issues bout initially especially since she is basically a nice lady and doesn't try to irritate others.. Only in the case of the DIL, her behaviour was different.. I guess it was jealousy or jus wanting to get bac at someone for the problems her in laws created for her, I'll never kno..

    For my part, I'm quite used to being encouraged and treated with respect at my parents home(OK OK.. I'm a bit spoiltgigglingsmiley) So all her taunting and complaints bout me were not taken in the right spirit. Icouldve ignored it n concentrated on learning what i needed to but I'd dint have that maturity at that time.. I guess only time can straighten out such things..
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Not blameless, but clueless. Young men and women get married knowing zilch about managing marriage and new relations.

    Put spouse first, respect spouse, honor his/her preferences as much as possible, make that known to all. Rest will fall in place.

    Give the newly married couple at least 2-3 years of living by themselves. Let them make love loudly, fight loudly, makeup loudly, without shushing each other or worrying about walls with listening ears.
     
  10. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    How true about the clueless part. I think this matter of saving one's energies for the bigger battles is something we could all do with.
     
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