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Any Primary Breadwinners?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anayasree, Apr 18, 2018.

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  1. Apr 18, 2018 #11
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Why the move.. did you have a choice ... were you fully in favor of it ... were living arrangements and household task distribution during their stay, discussed ...did you and DH talk about the details of having his parents live with you guys in the not so common arrangement you have. These things will decide what you can do now about what is bothering you. And whether you should.

    Your botheration is understandable. That you are thinking before reacting about that botheration is good. You recognize that it is not a MIL-DIL issue - nice.

    Technically speaking, it is fair enough. He was supposed to do the house work etc. It is getting done. What would bother me is MIL doing the caring for kid. The primary reason a parent stays home with child is that the couple wants one of them to do the parenting and not outsource that job to nanny, daycare. Grandparent can be the grandparent, but major parenting should be done by the parent staying at home. IMO.

    Bringing it up won't help. If you bring it up, you would have some unpleasantness, in-laws get to know, and husband continues to not do house work. Your good relationship with MIL might suffer. And they might start to feel not so welcome in your home. Even if your husband starts to do some work, it will be like only when you are around, and with MIL telling him to not do it. Too much awkwardness all around.

    Your situation is not so common in Indian families. Having in-laws living with you for two years was not the most feasible decision. Maybe it was unavoidable. But, now that they are in your house, don't bring up the matter of your husband continuing to do household work. His parents are old. They have accepted this arrangement with minimal comment. Are even staying with you for two years. Your child gets so much time with grandparents. Don't rock this boat. This is a battle not worth picking, and a victory that you can't be at peace with in any way...

    How about using the opportunity to go out more often with husband? Maybe even a short vacation without kid, if kid is old enough to stay without you both for 2-3 days.
     
    Rihana, Apr 18, 2018
    Rihana, Apr 18, 2018
    #11
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  2. Apr 18, 2018 #12
    Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    What if you were a SAHM and your parents came over and decided to help you with cooking etc ? Do you think your husband would have a problem ? I don’t think so because as far as there is food on the table, kid looked after he wouldn’t care. Yes equal distribution of labor is important but this is a temporary set up so why not let the spouse enjoy some down time. On a side note, how does this break impact your husband’s career ? Will he be getting back to work at some point ? Can he use this down time to update his skills ?
    Do you realize that you are no different than the millions of Indian men that think housewives have it easy and should take care of everything at home because they have the “easier “job ?
     
    Sandycandy, Apr 18, 2018
    Sandycandy, Apr 18, 2018
    #12
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  3. Apr 18, 2018 #13
    ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    If it's a sahm, n her mom comes to stay with her for a few years n takes care of the household n asks her daughter to just relax, or they hire helpers, Many sahm moms in India does have 1-3 helpers around them on a daily basis.

    Would we be ok if the bread winner husband says the same thing to a sahm? Just wondering!

    I think the fact that you are working n he's just relaxing, is annoying you. When both of you where working equally, it was ok with you but right now it feels out of balance n unfair to you. The question of "why should "i alone" work when he's jus relaxing?" Is in your head.

    Cons:
    Your hubby might get used to the pampering n might not feel like going the old way again.
    Possibility of extending his parents stay might happen, since it's convenient for him.
    Even if you raise this issue, his mom might still not be ok to see him work n she sitting (just like many moms).

    Pros:
    Use this opportunity to restart his career - It might add on to the saving no matter how small or big.
    Also use this time to plan vacations or outings as a couple, some personal time.
     
    ashneys, Apr 18, 2018
    ashneys, Apr 18, 2018
    #13
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  4. Apr 18, 2018 #14
    Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Why do you think the your husband is not contributing in any way? I am sure Mil does most of the cooking. But who does help your daughter with studies/activities, cleaning, driving around, groceries, paying bills, maintenance etc.

    Your resentment makes it look like you are not happy with your office work. Do you enjoy it? If not, his relaxation can cause you resentment. Talk to your husband about stress on the work front. Do not turn it into you have it easy argument.

    Since in-laws are here to stay for 2 years, talk to your husband about how you like things a certain way, especially if it affects health like cooking healthier stuff etc. If you like some things the way your husband did, lovingly remind him of how his way is better. Let small things slide since your mil and husband seem good otherwise .

    After 2 years (with in-laws around), your daughter may be more independent. So if your husband has plans to rejoin work at that time, he can start earlier without having to worry about a long career break.
     
    Brevity, Apr 18, 2018
    Brevity, Apr 18, 2018
    #14
  5. Apr 18, 2018 #15
    anayasree

    anayasree Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your inputs. Almost all are saying that I should not bring this up now. So my instinct was right. I didn't want to do anything in a hurry and regret later so posted here to get third point of view. Glad I did. I'l try to answer some of the qns asked by many members.

    The mutual agreement that he will be SAHD is not a temporary one. He did not take a break from his career. He quit his job and chose to be SAHD. No regrets there from both of us. As long as my H was managing the house we both had no problem. H finding a job is not a possibility, dont want to go into much details.

    I am neither jealous of my H nor am I unhappy with my work/career.

    For now the move is 2 years. This setup was a joint decision and I was a part of it. But I told H clearly before the move that I dont want any change in the work distribution or the way our house is managed. He agreed.

    Good question about SAHM moms getting help from her mom or helpers. I have asked myself the same question many times to help me understand the situation better. But you know what, if I was in his position or be it any woman in my H's position will not sit idle just watching tv the entire day. Pls dont ask me how I know my H does only that. I dont want to share too many details here. We have a large social circle and I dont want someone identifying me. Try to take it at face value that H is indeed not doing any work and relaxing all day. The only work he ever does is grocery shopping. A SAHM mom with 3 helpers will still need to manage the helpers and will also care for the kid. Dont compare them with what my H does.

    Please dont even compare me to these men. I dont go home after work and sit in my couch and order my H to bring me chai and blame that he does nothing. Before in-laws came, I used to take over dinner preparation when my H relaxes. I am not bothered cos I think my H is a SAHD and he has got the easier job. I am bothered cos under the disgiuse of being a SAHD, he is basically doing nothing at home.

    To all who ask technically the work is getting done, so why bother? Well, let me put it the other way. Say in a typical setup where H is working and W is a SAHM, if suddenly one day H decides to quit his job and do nothing, and the H's father decides he will take care of the income, how many SAHM moms will be okay? Why bother who brings the paycheck, right?

    I know the move is only temporary. But who knows, as someone else posted, it could easily become 5 years, my H may become too lazy to go back to the old way. 5 years down the line, if I think back how much I contributed to this marriage and how much my H did, all I can think of now is that all my H did was grocery shopping. I dont know if it sounds mean but this is causing too much resentment in me.

    Using this opportunity to go out with H or spend more time with him is not going to happen. In-laws are traditional like that. They are open minded when it comes to W working and H being SAHD but traditional in other stuff. Its gonna be all of us vacationing together.

    Yes, it is and I think it is unfair to me.

    So how do I handle this? See I understand many people may think this is not a problem at all, and I dont know may be it is not. But it is bothering me a lot. Either I want to bring this up or I need a way to handle it. If I go on like this, it will cause too much resentment in me.
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2018
    anayasree, Apr 18, 2018
    anayasree, Apr 18, 2018
    #15
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  6. Apr 18, 2018 #16
    nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    After reading your response , I am able to understand it this way . You feel he outsourced himself completely as a dad and homemaker , and that he has no real interest or involvement in the family . Yes you are right , you want your husband to do his role as your other half and he is demonstrating that he doesn't care about the home or family . Getting help from maids or parents is another thing , but compLete uninvolvement reflects of deeper issues and his attitude towards the family . What does he really want out of life ? Maybe he is depressed about not working , whatever it is you need to talk to him and find out what he wants out of life . Certainly not waste his life with the TV.

    There can be nothing good in completely depending on MIL to run your house . Your husband likes it this way and it is bound to become permanent .I don't think there's any going back from this arrangement .

    I think you need to sLowly, subtly bring your husband back into his role as your life partner . Mil is not your life partner nor she is parent of the kids . Kids need their real parents .

    Also , MIL is old she can do a supervisory told at this age that's best , why bother an aged person to take all the responsibility .Convince your husband he should not burden his mom .
     
    nakshatra1, Apr 18, 2018
    nakshatra1, Apr 18, 2018
    #16
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  7. Apr 18, 2018 #17
    ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    These are some valid points.

    Yes a sahm still does manage the house n kids regardless of parents or helpers helping.
    Regardless of taking the sahd role, it looks like your dh has resigned his post n handed the whole kid, house, kitchen, etc responsibilities to his parents N enjoying doing nothing n lying down on the couch watching tv n getting fed.

    You could probably let it go if it was just for a few weeks, but with 2 years n with a possibility of expanding, this would turn ugly especially with the resentment that's already getting built.

    The cons I mentioned in my previous reply are some practical n serious concerns esp in a long term situation.

    How to fix this ?

    Talk to your husband, take him out n talk to him alone about the way you feel. He is your dh after all n your partnership was working fine till now so am guessing there might be some good understanding here. Plus you have discussed about these things before they moved n he has agreed.

    Talk to him calmly n explain your situation n let him explain as well. Then find a mid way solution that you both are ok with n ensure to stick to it. Let him deal with him mom. But find a solution by discussing this with 'only' him. Doing this at home or anywhere closer to mil will cause unnecessary drama.

    Splitting work is also one solution. Depending on your mil n dh, split the work to yours n dh's comfort level. For example, House n kid management should be completely on him n cooking by her or something like that.

    As a last resort, tell him, if it's not doable for him n continue to build this resentment then he can join a call centre or some basic work or work from home office jobs which doesn't require big qualification or experience or atleast sign him up for some regular volunteering, just to get him out of the couch.
     
    ashneys, Apr 18, 2018
    ashneys, Apr 18, 2018
    #17
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  8. Apr 18, 2018 #18
    anayasree

    anayasree Silver IL'ite

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    Exactly, I am married to my H and not my MIL. We both had an equal say in how to run things around in our house. Now I feel like I dont have any say at all. I lost complete control over the kitchen. H is definitely not depressed, he is enjoying his life, pursuing his hobbies, no work, no commitment.

    MIL is not old. She is young and active. She is running the house like it is hers. I was once the docile DIL that just helped MIL while she cooked and managed the house. I cant and do not want to go back to that now. H and I running the house is completely different from MIL running the house.

    May be I have 2 independent issues. H being completely uninvolved and MIL taking over the house. If I can fix my first problem, the second problem will automatically be fixed.
     
    anayasree, Apr 18, 2018
    anayasree, Apr 18, 2018
    #18
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  9. Apr 18, 2018 #19
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Adding to what ashneys suggested, you can bring up the topic only with him, and outside the home. Start with what is going right. Find something positive to say about life with his parents in the house. Find something positive to say about him. If it is currently hard to think of anything positive about him : ), appreciate something about his parents. Then, bring up your botheration. Rehearse what you will say. Avoid blaming him. Present it as a problem you both can deal with. Layer the conversation with acknowledgements that things went well so far, compliment both you and him on managing it, and then say agreed upon arrangements can need revisiting and tweaking for long term happiness. Maybe, say that the resentment can impact your performance at work or your time with your daughter. If your daughter is of an impressionable age, mention to husband that one parent slogging away and another taking it so easy can skew her view of how family members pitch in together.

    Tell him you appreciate what his mom is doing, but it meant a lot to you when he was the one doing it. This can be tricky.. doing what she does gives his mom a purpose. If she has less to do, that will be a problem in itself.

    Two points here - one is you preparing dinner each day while being primary breadwinner is a little against the norm. Not saying it is wrong, but usually the working spouse gets to do lighter stuff in the evening like clean up after dinner. Second - you are also benefiting from in-laws' stay? Now you don't need to make dinner after a long day of work? Again, not saying it is wrong, but when you bring up the topic with husband, he might say even you are not doing household tasks that you used to before in-laws came. If you are still making dinner, then, oh my...

    : ) Valid point.

    It is not mean and I think most people would feel the resentment. It is not fair. Just that bringing it up needs lots of tact from you and pre-existing rapport between you both. There is something very annoying of coming home at the end of a long day and seeing spouse did practically nothing all day. To see this day after day and retain tact and patience to bring it up nicely... will take some skillful conversation skills. You are living a modern lifestyle choice with some old world constraints, like you cannot simply call for a family meeting and all four adults hash it out like adults.
     
    Rihana, Apr 18, 2018
    Rihana, Apr 18, 2018
    #19
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  10. Apr 18, 2018 #20
    anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    well,if you ask me..in a lighter note,even we homemakers when our moms come to America take a backseat when it comes to housework So it should be no different for the opp gender too.

    I am not justifying it but he will get back to groove once inlaws leave.Cut him some slack.

    Honestly,these days things are changing
    And I also personally know men who are house husband.It takes a lot of mental strength and confidence to be one for both the man and wife.I am sure in another 15 years it will be the norm but until then.

    So as long as you are getting your work done,fine but after inlaws leave he has to get back to doing his work

    Sorry..just saw they r staying for couple of years.In that case,he has to gear up a bit else he will get super lazy
     
    anika987, Apr 18, 2018
    anika987, Apr 18, 2018
    #20
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