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Any Body Please Give Some Advice About My Marriage Life....

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by madhu26, Jul 19, 2018.

  1. madhu26

    madhu26 New IL'ite

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    Hi, i am madhu staying in foreign country. I am married with one daughter as of now 4 yrs finished... Me and my husband met and he likes me i also liked him and our both parents agreed for our marriage. Now the problem for me is In-laws.after my marriage i stayed with my In-laws three months because my husband and In-law wants me to stay. Then problems started and before marriage i know about my husband financial status but i thing we decided we want to buy a new home.
    After marriage so many problems happened. My MIL don't like my mother she is always scolding in front of me but i never say one word...she always compares me with her daughter about cooking, Good nature, respect etc....after i went to foreign country i thought at least now i will be happy with my husband...But again started. My husband is the only son of my MIL.Before marriage he usually talks so many hours with my MIL. After marriage also its happened like that..he talks in phone and he neglects me...Every MIL has thought after marriage his son won't listen her words because of Daughter-in-law. that thing happened small small things i adjusted so many. Maybe my MIL don't like my parents.Once she told me because i am only loving his son, i looks beautiful so she agreed for marriage.

    Three Years gone and i got pregnant. Everyone is very happy. Except My In-law because she is worried whether it is a girl. But god is not in my side.I give birth to baby girl. she look's like her father. But she is not that much happy becoz my daughter is not that much fair.like a movie...every time she is saying bad abt my daughter on my back.she always compared with her grand son(her daughter son) he is very fair like that...

    Now...My husband went to India for searching new houses and he didn't tell me proper information he bought one house that one old house....as he convinced me after some time we will demolish and build a new house.But i feel bad and call to my In-law she got angry and told me "In our house elders will take the decisions. who r u to ask me. My son bought home with his money" like that...My father-In-law told me if want to come OK otherwise don't come...i am very depressed and i cried a lot. i thought to separate with my husband but i am thinking about my baby only.

    I didn't share much details ti my parents also becoz the re are very far from me if i say anything they will hurt....For coming out from depression i joined in job...but still my heart feels bed about house. all my dreams collapse. what my husband told me he didn't do. when i ask him he says later will build new house. But i am worried that if my daughter grown-up is it possible again they will say any others reasons...Please help what i have to do in this situation...i don't know i can not compromise on house issue...Please help me....
    Thanks for reading my story..
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    You are staying away from PILS . Try to ignore and give a deaf ear to PILS comments. Your dh will always be a baby to his parents. You just joined (only 4yrs). It is impossible to break that relation. Accept it. Wife and mother are two different entities. Don't compare. Given them enough space. Is making phone call to his mother the issue here. If he is taking care of you and your kid and help you with household, don't make it as a big issue. It is impossible to demand 24h attention by a husband, that will suffocate him. No one like a nagging wife.

    Gain some confidence. You are getting affected because you believe what she say. If you are confident that you are doing good and right, why bother about others comments. Develop a thick skin. If you can create an I dont care attitude to MILS comments or comparisons, she will stop when she is not getting the response she wants from you. Don't respond. But give an expression like .. ' again...'. just walk way or get busy with something else..Silence is big weapon.

    If she comment on your parents, just walk away. Or you can tell her they are your parents and you dont want to talk about it. Give respect and take respect. If she comment on your daughter, say she look like his father, kids look like their parents not others. Tell her you dont want your daughter to hear this comment- she is beautiful the way she is. Color don't decide success in ones life. Also never complain about PILS to dh ( if so it will be foolish decision), unless its a very serious issue. I am sure you also dont like anyone to complain about your parents.

    Men generally take time to understand they have a family and his wife is the queen of that kingdom, not his mother. Save your energy for important fights not silly things you can neglect.

    If you have any issue with husband, address him, not PILS , that will escalate the problem. You have every right to question your husband, not his parents ( that was mistake questing/commenting your Ils instead of your dh for his decision) as it will backfire. If you are working, control your fiances yourself, so that you can invest in what you want.

    In your house, you and husband should take decisions. No one can question you including his parents. He should share information about his investments. You should ask him in a calm way instead of thinking and worrying about it. See the positives. He invested his money on a property instead of giving to someone. He is going to build a house. You guys can sell or buy another house in future . It is up to guys to move to that house or not (your FIL already said it). Use your power as a wife that time. Consider it as an investment.

    I always feel that many people see only the 10% missing instead of 90% of blessings they have and spoil their life happiness, goes to depression, instead of enjoying 90%. You are staying away from them, that is a blessing by itself. You have a job, have a beautiful dd ..Try to strengthen relation with husband and enjoy life as a family.

    Dont know if I miss anything, Cheer up OP and take it easy.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2018
  3. madhu26

    madhu26 New IL'ite

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  4. madhu26

    madhu26 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your concern and suggestions....i will try my best to come out from sad. But still we are not talking each other becoz of house issue i think this is the big weapon for me in future.... thanks
     
  5. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

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    Madhu, I agree with 99% of what Ddream says. I realized something which Ddream wrote :
    "Your dh will always be a baby to his parents. You just joined (only 4yrs). It is impossible to break that relation."
    That blew my mind as I am living proof to tell you, IT IS POSSIBLE. When your best is not good enough even after 4 years...that tells you right there that namesake family or not, they are not WORTH YOUR BEST. 4 years is long to still be treated as an outsider...to still not have the comfort level to speak freely...
    They are already not speaking to you right? As hurtful as it may be...it was in the 4th year of my marriage after trying everything, their treatment became more than I could bear.
    They cut you off, just don't permit them to return. It's that simple. Block all their numbers on your phone, block them on WhatsApp. Or leave the group on WhatsApp which caused a tiny scandal but I got through it .You don't need your husband's support in this. He cannot, and must not try to force you to mingle with them. You can't be sad for years and years, right now I am 6 years married and only this year I began to have peace, do you really want to waste more energy thinking about people who don't care about their daughter in law? I realized this right away but continued contact with my remaining sis in law. When in-laws succeeded in turning her against me. I accepted it, as I know I did everything in my power to get along with them.
    Give your best to your marriage. Men are slow to realize, in-laws had success with turning my husband against me for 5 years, but I still had hope and fought through the hell to have the peace I have now and it was worth it I tell you. You have a daughter, you don't live with in-laws thankfully. Concentrate on your marriage and your child, do you really need them turning your own child against you? I think not. Children are impressionable, you don't wish her to learn their bad habits when she is young. If she wants contact with them and you see she is mature enough to notice when people are being manipulative and cruel, she will see for herself--- in-laws like ours cannot hide who they are forever. My DH accepted my not talking to his family now. It's all thanks to when they all claimed they forgot and did not call us for our 5th anniversary (Yet they had called the previous year when there was a death in the family....)That was the first blow from the 1 sis in law who I was always in contact with. Then I knew, they had turned her against me. They didn't even call their own son. When it affected him, only then was he able to admit how horrible they are. For shame, men are so proud. Whatever it takes, I was relieved....
    The relief you'll feel will make it all worth it, otherwise its just years of torture ahead if you keep concentrating on how horrible they are to you and your parents and daughter. FYI my husband bought them a house a business, let his rude sister and husband and tornado child stay with us when we were newly married...yet only when my FIL took ill they are now serious about how much they will not allow my rude 2nd (rude) SIL to torture the family further....it took 8 years for them to run out of patience. It took me 4 years. Only you know what your limit is...be strong, you CAN OVERCOME THIS.

     
  6. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Madhu,
    DDream gave you the best advice. Please read DDream's response again.

    I was like you 48 years ago. My husband took care of his entire family parents and 5 siblings. I believed, once married my husband is mine; looking back it is more like my property. My dear Madhu, my husband used to tell me that when you love someone, you can't isolate the person. It took me a while to understand that his experiences, identity, his happiness and sadness was with them. The truth is they also loved him. Believe me there were lot of things going on.

    Soon, we moved to US and I grew up and I didn't want to change him. I also realized, that if I were a true partner I could be working and contributing instead of complaining. I supported when he wanted to help his family and I worked for 4 years, didn't make good money; I wanted to buy a house. So, I went back to the university and got my engineering. I din't have background and it was lots of hard work. He fully supported me and I had a 4 year old son at the time. You know what, not only did he respect me, he appreciated me supporting his family and we discussed all the issues including his family. Sometimes it didn't look fair; because, we as a family made lot of sacrifices and his family didn't even acknowledge all he did to the family at the time. BTW, I never did anything to my family as they were not in need.

    Looking back I have no regrets, because god gave us plenty and in fact he built a beautiful dream house. Three Decades later, his family acknowledged all his sacrifices. He was my best friend, my soulmate and I recently lost him after 46 years and now my son's wife insists that I live with them and she is very caring. I have only one son and if I am talking to my son, my daughter-in-law walks away and if I call her, she tells me, "Amma, enjoy and cherish your time with your son." I must have done something right in my life :))

    So, if you truly love your husband, love him with all your heart; be a true partner to him. You need to be his best friend.
    Good Luck
     
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2018
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  7. madhu26

    madhu26 New IL'ite

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    Dear D Dream's Thanks for suggestion.But my husband bought one house without my involvement. am so much worried that till now i adjusted becoz i thought in future we will buy new house.so i stop talking with him. doing my all works silently and take care of my daughter.i don't want any fighting but want to realize him that i am also important for him to make any decisions. i stop everything even physically also. but now he is getting angry and said i am wasting his life he says be happy now afterwards will see..How can i be so happy with him if i am so much worried. every time i adjusted and compromise. so i told him until this solves i will maintain distance but he is angry. Am i doing right thing? Am i wasting my life also....to keep distance from him...please suggest
     
  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Silver IL'ite

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    The answer is NO.
    You should read it again DDreams response and try to understand it. As Dderems put it "I always feel that many people see only the 10% missing instead of 90% of blessings they have and spoil their life happiness, goes to depression, instead of enjoying 90%. You are staying away from them, that is a blessing by itself. You have a job, have a beautiful dd ..Try to strengthen relation with husband and enjoy life as a family."
     
  9. Urmila420

    Urmila420 New IL'ite

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    Wow. That is so stupid. These Indian families are full of crap. This is not the way to treat a girl. You should immediately take a divorce. Leave these sick people. And do what you have to do. Take the child with you. Marry someone else. Think about yourself. If you don't do something now. Nobody will be able to save you. Get yourself out. Before it's too late. Save yourself.
     

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