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Annoyed with parents

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by nuss, Sep 2, 2015.

  1. nuss

    nuss Finest Post Winner

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    Dear ladies- I had quite rough week and I am here to get some support. To provide some background- my husband and I have accepted new jobs and will be moving to west coast soon. We own a house in Midwest where we live now. The housing market in our town hasn't recovered yet and for now we are planning to rent our house. We are also planning to buy a house at new place before we move. We are a little short on money to pay 20% down payment and closing costs. I've ~$10k in India and if I transfer that we'll be fine with our closing and down payment. I asked my dad to transfer my money and told my parents our plan that my dad thought was a good decision.
    Anyway, my dad told me that my FDs won't mature until end of September and I said that's okay since we're not going to close until mid-October. Now, few days after this conversation we came to know that one of my brothers-in-law lost a lot of money in business and were really struggling to pay fee for kids (my niece is in Medical school and nephew in NIT). My parents already gave them money earlier this year so they didn't have much savings and they called me and told all this. Well, I don't want the kids to suffer and I told my parents to use my money to pay for their fee (~3.5 lacs together) and send me the rest. I talked to my mom this morning and not even once she mentioned about sending me any money and all she talked about was-how they have sent money to my sister, they had to prematurely cash the FDs but hell with it, what else savings are for. Not even a word about- well, thank you for letting us use your money especially when you needed it as well. I don't know if I am overreacting but I did feel hurt. I always help my parents and nephews/niece but it seems everybody just takes me for granted. I am not rolling in money, I saved money on my postdoc salary. I started making good money only 3 years ago since I got a faculty position and my parents know all this. A little appreciation is all I wanted. Oh well...
     
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  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    When we help - we should help without expectations.
    Else, better not to help.
    But help when done should be done without expectations [none/nada/zilch].
     
    beautifullife30 likes this.
  3. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    @Nuss..

    can understand your pain..been there done that..

    parents are always worried about the weakest one.. they do appreciate your generosity deep within but cannot put it in as much words simply because the other "child's" suffering is what is occupying their heads completely.... while your generocity has actually alliviated a huge trouble, it hasn't really ended the emotional turmoil your sibling is going through.. what's in store for them in future is still far from being answered.... these apprehensions are what they are occupied with... I am a mother and can understand how it feels..

    simply take this as a credit to your "karma" account and leave it at that...
     
    2 people like this.
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Nuss,
    First of all congrats on both your new jobs! I know how hard it is to find a science faculty position, so this is very well deserved for you both.
    As for your parents I would also be hurt, especially as you have been helping your family all along. We scientists start earning later than people in most other fields, but at least the immediate family shoukd understand that. Perhaps your parents are feeling awkward at having to use your money after you told them about your own needs?
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. anumuralik

    anumuralik Bronze IL'ite

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    It's okay OP... You can vent out here... This place is meant for that... Vent up your frustrations and your problems and emotions here... You will definitely feel lighter at heart...
    Now coming to the topic... Parents always sway towards the one who is weak.... They think you are stronger... You are one indeed... But one thing don't expect gratitude from your parents... If you wanna expect anything expect it from your sister and BIL... I think your sister n BIL are feeling happy about your help and are may be embarrassed of their situation.... Give them some time to cop up with their situations.... I hope you had good relations with your sister and vice versa then obvious she feels the gratitude for sure...

    lots of of love and hugs... Keep smiling....
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. brahan

    brahan Platinum IL'ite

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    Nuss,

    Its parents attitude to worry about the weaker ones...So please be happy that you were able to offer help.
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    OP, it is human nature to appreciate something based on how hard it is to attain. The monetary help from you came easily enough, and so less or no appreciation.

    Applies to almost any thing and any one - a movie ticket, somebody's time, enrollment in a class, a desired book, a relaxing weekend - we value it more if some struggle or effort associated with getting it.
     
    4 people like this.
  8. Minion

    Minion Gold IL'ite

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    Nuss,

    Why do you want to pay 20% down you can get a loan if you can pay 3% down. You have to pay PMI but you can invest the other 17% and get more money.
     
  9. Salaswathi

    Salaswathi Senior IL'ite

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    Nice to have jobs in America. And make lots of money. Since OP is a teacher, she must be open to new learning also. This is a new learning. When money is not in your control to use it when you want it, it is not "really" your money. After the OP gets some of it back, she ought to thank the parents for sending back that amount. And then remember this event always.
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. preethiitech

    preethiitech Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi @nuss.. I totally understand.. But we have become non-resident from the country and similar for our parents. They think we are well and happy. They really do not understand the things we are going through and how we save.

    People give more importance to those who are close by (here, its your sister and family). No matter how much you expect, or even mention this to them, I am afraid it wont change. You will end up hurting more.

    We cant change people. But we can change ourselves. Stop expecting the appreciation! or even acknowledgement and learn to live with it.. Just do not expect!! Its difficult, but this is the only way
     
    2 people like this.

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