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Annoyed With Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Shivika992, Jan 8, 2020.

  1. Shivika992

    Shivika992 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Ive been married for 7 months and have good in laws. So far it has been good but has taken some effort adjusting and understand my in laws. For the past few months, my mother in law was good and nice to me, but past few days she has been acting weird. She has been commenting on how Ive had it so easy at her house. Comparing my ways to how her daughter had it so difficult when she had gotten married. I agree her daughter had a tough time at her in laws but now she is separated from inlaws and is enjoying because she and her husband lives closer to her mother and us now.
    I really feel intimated by mil, and find it difficult to voice my opinions in this family as I am scared she may not like what I am saying. When i say something about a topic she ignores my opinion. I don’t really feel like a part of the family yet, and I am okay with it because i know it will take time. But her new way of nagging me is making me feel like just ignoring her and sitting in my room.

    I can also nag about how things are better for me at my own parents home or how its nice that her daughter gets to see her parents everyday whereas i don’t but i don’t compare.. so why is she.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2020
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  2. geetu14384

    geetu14384 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I clearly understand your position and your views....these are the most common things that happen to each and every girl in the first few years ..... we also unknowingly judge our in laws they also keep judging us...this is just a phase of life where we try to understand each other in the most annoying way.... things all will fall in place.......i am pretty sure...... by the time you wrote this post here.... thing would have settled down at home at home........ this is just a passing cloud..... All the best for a successful married life.........
     
    Shivika992 likes this.
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    There could be many factors. For example...
    Who else is in the household ? She could be peeved at someone else or something else, and lamenting how it was before you came into the household.

    How old is your MIL ? [i.e., has she been through menopause?] Older people have one permanent lament, that youth is wasted on the young.

    I'd recommend that you develop selective hearing.
    Double down on whatever it is that you do at home which she likes.
     
    Topaz49, Rihana and Shivika992 like this.
  4. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Hi, maybe your MIL is bothered because of her daughter's married life having spoilt.
    Not justifying her behaviour but you cannot say she is happy to see her daughter staying closeby and visiting her daily.

    Try to understand from her point of view too.
    For a mother, having her daughter to stay near and separated from her husband is not a happy thing.
    For a mother, both her children are important like 2 eyes. Similarly, she would be happy to see her son settled with marriage but might be she is sad about her daughter's future and broken marriage.

    If she has been nice to you and just some days such comments are coming from her then try to ignore or just leave from the conversation place and do your own thing.

    Some people in old age behave weird n we need to learn to ignore it unless they are insulting you or using abusive foul language or harassing you.

    With time, she will understand you better.
    Try not to react even though we may be tempted to give it back immediately.
    I learnt it hard way and still learning.
    Initial days you are trying to adjust with them and they are trying to adjust with you too. So it takes long time even years before you all together live in harmony in same house as a family unit.


    One thing to keep in mind that even the world's best inlaws will never treat daughter n daughter in law as same except in few cases.

    So love them as your husband's parents and respect them considering their age, let it go of harmless comments.
    They can never be your parents and you can never be their daughter.

    So don't keep high expectstions as you would from your own parents.

    E.g. i maybe in bad mood n shout at my.mother for some comment of her that I didn't like . Later we both would patch up n forget it because we are mother and daughter.
    But if even I said a word in a polite tone that too as a response to my in-laws hurtful comment to me, there would be a major show down and I would be blamed fr not having respect for them.
    Even if things resolve later, such incidents between dil and inlaws are not forgotten nor forgiven easily because deep inside we cant ever love them like how we love our parents.

    You are just married for 7months. Focus on building rock solid relationship with your husband first.
    If husband is on your side, even if inlaws issues are there it can be handled politely.
     
    Shivika992 likes this.
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If I were in your place ,I would calmly and respectfully respond by saying "Don't worry about her maa, sil is happy now. Her in laws didn't treat her right and now they don't get to stay with her ".

    That will send more than one message to her to stop what she is doing.

    Some mils think decent human behavior from them is a luxury that the dil should be grateful for .
     
  6. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Hi, sorry about my this post I think I mis understood that her daughter is separated from her husband.
    I read again now and understood that her daugter and husband are living separately away from her inlaws n closer to her mother (ur mils) home.

    I understand your pain now. But as I said, it takes time and efforts from both inlaws and dil to understand and adjust with each other.

    If she otherwise behaves well, calmly tell her that she should be happy her daughter is living separately from her inlaws who didnt treat her well.
    And tell her hope you don't have to face similar things.

    Be diplomatic in handling such things politely n respectfully.

    And as I said, focus on building stronger bond with husband first. Inlaws are secondary.
     
  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Don’t forget that your IL also had to adjust to you. What adjustment you think your IL had to make?

    It always helps to look at it for what it is than looking at it as something against you. Respond to her that you are lucky and you appreciate her kindness. Remember, they have their emotions that can go up and down. If they are good to you, build on that relationship. Try to be more understanding, supportive and loving. One negative thought can create a lot of damage, on the contrary a positive thought can result in beautiful outcome.

    Watch your thoughts, they become words.
    Watch your words, they become actions.
    Watch your actions, they become habits.
    Watch your habits, they become your character.
    Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

    Happy positive thinking!

    Best advice

    Instead of telling “she should be happy”, I would simply say that you are glad SIL doesn’t have to go through that anymore. Making yourself part of the family is very important as you do agree that your SIL had difficult time.

    Yellowmango said it very nicely!
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    This is a rather simple issue. Continue to agree with her about the tough time her daughter had. Ignore the part where she compares. If the comparison comes up when that daughter visits, turn back the topic to parts that you agree with them. Occasionally, when all are present, be explicit about some thing that you appreciate in your MIL.
     
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  9. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Only if you let go and look at it as way MIL is simply expressing her frustration when she thinks about her daughter.
    Magnifying what MIL said and try to find what you don't have (SIL lives closer & can see her parents more often unlike you) won't help to let go. If you go the negative route, soon you will find lot more ....
     
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    @Shivika992 - You are a newly wed. You should be worrying about creating a strong bond with your husband rather than worrying about MIL. The MIL worries will be there for a lifetime but you won’t get this carefree time back. Why is mil changing now? Because she thought she could handle having a more important person in her son’s life but it’s really hard. She wants to be the better mil but also is a human being. Just ignore those comparisons, agree that she’s the best mil around and try to build a good relationship with your husband.
    Learn from Megan Markle. She is smart enough to have gotten Harry completely on her side so much so that he’s leaving the royal palace and all the royals behind and moving to Canada with her.
    I wish I had learned early in life to be politically correct and work behind the scenes.
     
    SunPa, Rihana and Sunshine04 like this.

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