And more on men and women

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Vidya24, Apr 11, 2006.

  1. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,

    Enjoy this one. Not my original, and maybe u have even seen it around somewhere. Still, gives us another opportunity to laugh at the other sex.

    cheers
    V
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    A Comparison

    Handwriting:

    Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

    Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use large loops in the "p" and "g". Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.

    Groceries:

    Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.

    Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.

    Relationships:

    Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

    Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

    Sex:

    Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

    Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.

    Maturity:

    Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

    Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

    Magazines:

    Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.

    Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

    Bathrooms:

    Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

    Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.

    Shoes:

    Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

    Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

    Cats:

    Women: Women love cats.

    Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

    Children:

    Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

    Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    Dressing Up:

    Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

    Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

    Laundry:

    Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.

    Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."

    Eating Out:

    Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

    Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

    Mirrors:

    Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.

    Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.

    Menopause:

    Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

    Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

    The Phone:

    Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

    Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

    Richard Gere:

    Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

    Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

    Madonna:

    Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

    Toys:

    Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

    Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

    Cameras:

    Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

    Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

    Locker Rooms:

    Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

    Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

    Movies:

    Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.

    Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

    Jewelry:

    Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

    Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

    Conversation:

    Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."

    Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

    Leg Warmers:

    Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

    Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

    Friends:

    Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.

    Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"

    Restrooms:

    Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.

    Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

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  2. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I can't believe, Vidya !

    Dear Vidya,
    I have not read this & so I enjoyed it thoroughly !
    I am happy to see you in this forum ! You & Ramji seem to be getting good "forwards" ! Share them with us here - we will all have a good laugh.
    Now, enjoy this one!


    A Computer:

    A student asked, What gender is 'computer'? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
    recommendation.
    The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
    (No chuckling... this gets better!)
    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
    (el computer''), because
    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
    The women won.


    Love& regards,
    Chithra.



     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2006
  3. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    That was good

    Dear Mrs C,

    That was good. Look forward to more male bashing forwards from me. All in good humour and jest.

    cheers
    V
     
  4. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    that was a fabulous one chitra

    dear chitra,
    i thought u r a very serious person....but u proved me wrong that was a wonderful forward....regards..sunkan
     
  5. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Sundari, believe me when I say.....

    I used to be labelled " a serious person" ! But now in I L , I feel as if I am going through a " personality change " ! I myself was notaware, I could relax so much - well interaction with everyone of you seems to have made me a better & more enjoyable person, hopefully.
    Love & regards,
    Chithra.
     
  6. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Mrs C,

    removed post
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2006
  7. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Enjoyed reading these again, it evokes laughter anyway....

    Keep sharing all these , brightens up the day and the feeling of shared laughter is good for all of us scattered all over the globe!
     
  8. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

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    Some more in the same vein!

    Hello everyone.....

    Couple of more fwds on the same line...enjoy!

    1)A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
    spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

    There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
    "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

    The owner looked at her and said,
    "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
    Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

    The woman thought about this, but decided
    she had to have the bird any way.

    She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
    in her living room and waited for it to say something.

    The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
    "New house, new madam."

    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
    but then thought "that's really not so bad."

    When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
    the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended
    but then began to laugh about the situation
    considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

    Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
    came home from work.

    The bird looked at him and said,
    "Hi, Keith!"



    2)Little Pauly comes home with a note from the teacher and shows it to his mother. The note reads:

    "Pauly is an intelligent little boy but spends too much time with
    girls."

    The following day Pauly goes to school with a note from his mother to the teacher that reads,

    "If you find a solution, please let me know. I have the same problem with his father."



     

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