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Analyse this please!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sillyme, May 5, 2015.

  1. sillyme

    sillyme New IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies,

    Thank you for taking the time to read this.
    My DH and I have been married for 7 yrs now. Initially, we went through a lot, inlaw issues, DH temper issues, negative/narrow minded thinking, we are both attached to our parents so mostly fights very centered around them, you dint call, dint wish,etc. After about 2 years into marriage, things have become more peaceful, we know where to stop and know each others' 'problem' areas. However, recently we had a fight. While talking about last rites for dead people etc my DH stresses 2-3 times and said "My son will perform my last rites (before anyone's)". I asked why was he stressing so much, he just dint say and repeated that line. Then it occurred to me that he was indirectly mentioning that our son can't perform last rites to my parents. To which I said I didn't have such thoughts, my parents are perfectly healthy and why are you even thinking about their last rites. I asked him in the beginning of the discussion when parents have only daughters (like in my parents case) is grandson allowed to perform last rites. So he thought I was referring to my parents and my son. While I was enquiring about his mom and her father. But that's ok, him thinking I am enquiring for my parents but even if I was, I didn't like it that he immediately said our son should perform for him. I said a person can perform last rites any number of times, to which he said, I did not know that but still I want my son to perform for me first before anyone else. I was hurt. How can he be so rude and non-empathetic, isn't it mean that he doesn't want our kid to perform last rites for my parents, if need be? Would he say the same thing for his parents? I was shattered I said, anyway I am not enquiring about my parents, I wish they have a healthy long life, God forbid, if something happens, I want to perform the rite or my son if he can.

    Pour in your thoughts about the above, do you think I am over reacting or is he being plain mean and selfish? He says such inappropriate things once in a while which hurt me and also make me re think if I even need to have another baby with him. He is otherwise a great dad and husband but not so great son in law. He is courteous to my parents but he snaps when something bothers him from what they say. He is basically reserved, talks to his family and no friends.

    Please share your thoughts.
     
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  2. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Sillyme, sorry to say this... but this really is a silly discussion between your husband and you!!

    Are your conversations usually this bizarre and morbid??!! Next time this topic comes up... just walk away saying you're not interested in discussing these things.

    When the time really comes, I highly doubt that you will all be at a state of mind to fight on who will light the funeral pyre.
     
    8 people like this.
  3. indubalram

    indubalram Gold IL'ite

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  4. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Now a days daughters do last rights of parents . But a grandpas can do the last rites . Your husband is trying to negate any future discussions which I think is totally wrong .it should be your decision also if time comes .

    No need to discuss this at length but if you think
    it is a possibility , you need to make your husban understand that it is how it is going to be .

    why were you enquiring your husband'a parents , they have a son no , did not get your intention .
     
  5. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    According to sastras if any son equivalent (direct/adopted) is not available, the son in law can also do the rites... Usually the parents of a daughter 'adopt' their daughter's son and he can then do the rites...

    In your case the discussion was very silly and unnecessary... You asked reg his mom and he pounced on your parents. You could've clarified about his mom instead of 'reacting' to his statement about your parents!!! Maybe the conversation would have gone differently
     
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  6. VanithaSudhir

    VanithaSudhir Platinum IL'ite

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    OMG. Do you guys even discuss these things ? It is so painful to even think about it.
    And you guys are having a fight over it...!!!

    Nothing is in our hands.. God decides when he has to call.. whom. where and when !
    Did you not hear about the recent tragedy in Nepal ? So many people were buried in dust and there were mass cremations done. (God forbid. No one should face such circumstances.). For all you know, your parents/in-laws might opt for Electric cremations

    Please stop thinking about unpleasant future incidents and avoid such discussions.
     
    2 people like this.
  7. indubalram

    indubalram Gold IL'ite

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    And of course any father would want his son to do his last rites. I dont find anything wrong in what your husband said.
     
  8. Dinny

    Dinny IL Hall of Fame

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    Did you and your hubby realise that you were fighting over a hypothetical situation???:roll:

    Dinny suggestion:
    When you see your partner itching to fight over an imaginary situation, then deviate from the topic. In short.... AVOID THE FIGHT at all costs. :)

    Hon, life's too small for such fights. I'm sure now you know when to stop...

    Regards
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2015
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  9. PavithraS

    PavithraS Platinum IL'ite

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    I do not think your husband said this on his own. He is reflecting others' view. And they might have their own concerns regarding this. It is pathetic that in their rush to be more "practical" and "fore seeing" an unavoidable circumstance in future, they mouth such irresponsible and insensitive words. Muruga, forgive them.
    Please do not share this with your parents for two reasons, one it will hurt them deeply, second , it might take this situation to even uglier position.
    You will find it very hard to be normal with your husband after this for sometime. But do not allow the awkwardness to continue. It will only divide you further. Be magnanimous and ignore childish conversations. God has plans for everybody and every situation. We will get to know of it when it is time. Stop worrying about this. Cheer up and thank God for giving us this very minute.
    Regards,
    Pavithra
     
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  10. sillyme

    sillyme New IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    I understand your shock on our discussion but trust me, it never was weird until he kept repeating our son would light his funeral pyre. Till then, we were just talking normal stuff. Then it got weird and I was like why on Earth is he stressing that so much. I am not able to get over this and I had to post here. It was highly insensitive of him to intend that he wants our son to do it only for him first. I know his Mom once said before us all that for such last rites in her family, they made her 2nd son do it as they wanted their first son to do theirs. Maybe he had that etched in his head.

    @armummy I was enquiring about MIL as MIL's dad dint have sons.

    @PavithraS I think you got my points. Thanks!
     
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